No support for a first time momma...first time homebirther

[1sttimemomma]

I have never been here before, but i have just made the choice to birth at home. I am getting very little support from everyone around me. The most hurtful is the non-support from my hubby.

Even though I want to do this more than anything and I know that it's right for me and my baby...I feel it in my gut...I sometimes think about giving in. It's the little things that people say that really make things difficult. My hubby says that I don't have any sense.

[Evergreen]

Don't back down, this is your birth! Show him some studies that show how safe homebirth actually is. Bring him here to read some birth stories.
Two really good books are The Imaculate Deception by Suzanne Arms and How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor by Dr Robert Menelsohn.

Stick around this board for a while, there are some passionate and educated ladies here who will give you the info you need.

[cottonwood]

Also check out A Good Birth, A Safe Birth, by Scaer and Korte, and The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, Henci Goer. The latter is filled with research info.

I'm sorry your husband is being such a jerk. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's just that he has zero basis for understanding so that it seems literally crazy. The above books should help dispell this misconception of his.

[miriam]

MEN!

They are afraid of everything.

Nature knew better than to let them do the birthing.

I think that it is a historical anomaly for men to have anything to do with childbirth. Men need to stay out of the delivery rooms if they are obstetricians.

Find a good midwife by referrals. Do a google search for the Lewis Mehl Study done in the mid-late 1970's which is still the best and most scientifically done study ever done in regards to the safety of home birth for healthy low risk women. The Outcomes in every case proved that home was the better location for a woman to birth.

The reason that women stopped dying in childbirth is not because of mass hospitalization of all birthing women; it is because of antibiotics and blood transfusions.

Actually the overuse of these improvements have stopped other improvements from being implimented.

[1sttimemomma]

Thank you for all of your advice! You ladies are a breath of fresh air.

I have tried the studies thing. He's still not comfortable. IN fact, he said that he would be crying hysterically outside the door.

I have read The thinking womens guide to a better birth, but he won't even consider reading any pregnancy or birth books.

I also tried doing one of those homebirth meetups, but it was cancelled due to lack of participation. It was cancelled in the tri state area (maryland, virginiga and DC). UGH.

I'm not sure that there is much I can do but I do appreciate hearing your very wise words. You all provide so much inspiration for me. I am definitely going to stick around and soak up much information.

I did take a positive step yesterday. I ordered my birth kit and got a crock pot off of ebay. I am very excited about the birth.

[TrishWSU]

Sorry your DH is being a stubborn jerk at such an important time. When I want my dh to learn about something he shows no interest in (like no circumsion), I just keep bombarding him with little tidbits of info. I'll read something and be like, "Oh, this is really intersting. This study shows ...." It eventually it gets to the point that he'll just give in and read what I'm reading so I'll stop bugging him. It works for us.

I like your attitude, though. Stay strong and don't let anyone else's fears or worries become your own. Follow your instinct. Homebirth can be an absolutely wonderful experience. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your dh will suddenly see the light and be supportive of you. If not, we are!

Keep us posted and feel free to let out all your fustrations here. That's what we're here for!

[cottonwood]

"I have read The thinking womens guide to a better birth, but he won't even consider reading any pregnancy or birth books."

And he says you don't have any sense? Sigh. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. But as far as I'm concerned, if he won't even do the research he does not deserve to have a say in the matter. And if he insists, it should be his responsibility to prove to you that hospital birth is inherently safer.

[annakiss]

I don't know... When it comes to a husband, I'm reluctant to bombard him or be too overtly-stubborn. I think that if you attack him too much with information, that he'll just not want to listen anymore. Do you want him to just give in or to actually support you? Maybe it's time to think really hard about your emotions regarding this and let him know, either in a long talk or maybe in a letter. I'm not saying give in to the pressure to go outside of the home at all, I'm just saying that taking a more understanding approach will probably be more effective in swaying him. Say, "I've done a lot of reading and I really fell like this is the safest thing for me and for our baby." (not that you haven't said that, just giving suggestions). Try: "I really feel like you're not listening to me, to what I'm trying to show you. I feel like my feelings about this very intense and inherently important event are not being considered by you." "I really want you to be a part of this birth, to be a part of the decision making, that's important to me, but protecting myself and our baby is more important. I want to include you, but I feel like you're not letting me. If you just try to read some of these materials, you can see what I'm talking about." Maybe put together a synopsis of some of the most important points from the books with citations so he can see some basic "talking points" and then may be more inclined to take a harder look. Try showing him this flash video of a homebirth: http://danielfairbanks.com/jude/jude.htm (okay, I checked & the video won't be up again until May 1st) and then a hospital birth (or vice versa). I couldn't find a flash of a hospital birth. Try the documentary Born in the USA. You can order it online, I imagine, or get it at the library (if they don't have it, request an Inter-library loan). Or perhaps a midwife or birth instructor in your area would have it. Just some ideas.

[ramlita]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles!

My thought about this is that the right midwife could make all the difference. Where are you in choosing a midwife? I'd suggest interviewing all possible candidates by yourself, and regardless of which one you choose for the actual birth, pick one for your husband to meet.

I know that if I had any resistance from anyone important to me (which I didn't- such a blessing!) my midwife had the personality, experience, and information to win anyone over. Her confidence, knowledge, and people skills...wow.

If your gut tells you that you are safer at home, you not only have statistics to back you up, but as I see it, your gut is always right. Some women can have all of the information about homebirth, a good midwife, and a good home life, but if their gut tells them they're safer at the hospital, I think they're right- a deep belief like that can make itself come true. I hope between Mothering.com and your real life community, you can find enough support to continue to stay true to yourself- and never look back! If your gut says home is the place to be, caving and going to the hospital is not the right thing for you and your baby!

Best of luck to you. I hope this is a chapter in your lives together that will foster more respect for you from your husband.

[georgia]

Oh, my heart goes out to you....on our journey to/through parenthood, there is a powerful struggle to follow your heart and instinct for so many of us. I just wanted to say I'd much, much rather have dh crying hysterically outside my bedroom door in my house than at the hospital. It was our hideous hospital experience the first time that absolutely convinced my dh that hospitals are unsafe to birth in. I'd love for every first time mama to be able to get to skip right to the good birth experience!

Fear is not our friend---it sounds like your dh is perhaps afraid of birth in general and has incorrect assumptions of what a normal, unmedicated planned homebirth entails.....Keeping himself uninformed sounds like a defense mechanism, but maybe I'm projecting???

This is *your* birth, and while I realize partner's feelings deserve consideration---doesn't the birthing mama deserve the same?

Best wishes working this through--Go with your heart! You deserve to birth where *you* feel safest, comfy and most loved.