i need help clarifying my feelings about my DH's family....since DS was born (3 years ago) MIL has insisted that we see them (MIL, FIL and Great Grandmother) approx one Saturday every two weeks. Prior to baby we saw them like 6 x/year. We mostly go over there during the summer because they have a pool - but now we will still mostly be going over there because DH's Grandmother is blind and cant hear very well and we have a huge staircase etc...etc...
My DH told me recently he doesnt think i will ever 'be ready' to leave DS alone - ever..... like for a weekend sort of situation - and as seeing that i still nurse DS to sleep - he's right. I need to feel confidant that wherever we leave him he wont scream for 'milks' for hours and hours - and at this point in time (no serious travel plans on the agenda....money crunch happening)) its not something i am going to push or make myself nuts about. He'll wean within the next year - as his vocab and understanding grows - even if he's 5 - (which i really hope doesnt happen) - but still....its not like we used to wing off to Vegas twice a month and now we cant... to me - its not the end of the world to wait this out ....
we have had time to ourselves - DH worked this summer (he is a teacher) but was off on Fridays - DS went in to PreSchool on Friday AM - and then took a nap! we have left DS with my older kids (now 15 and 18) - awake OR sleeping and gone out to dinner -DH works 14 hour days ...its not DS who is responsible for us not having much time together!
so anyway - back to MIL - she expressed that we come in earlier this weekend ....we typically let DS nap from noon - 2 then get on the road between 3 - 4 PM stay until about 9PM.
she wants us there earlier? i was like - she absolutely doesnt understand that we are a family - the three of us and we have stuff we need/want to do and we have limited time to do it because of DH's work schedule as it is - to which DH was like - oh they understand all that -= they just dont care .....
he claims that he warned me when i was pregnant that this would happen - i argue that no one could have been prepared for THIS! So i told DH the real reason we havent been on an overnight - or even all day together is because his mother has never offered to baby sit - when we need someone - its always on her terms not ours -" we need someone to watch Eli on Fri at 7" - "ok i can be there Wed at 9!" i mean - she does work full time and i know caring for her aging mother is time consuming....plus she wont drive here by herself - FIL would also have to take the day off! Anyway - ive never asked her to watch DS and she has never offered. DH blames me?
i told DH, that this weekend, he should drive DS out to his parents house - and then come home - drop DS off and tell them we'll pick him up at 8PM. DH was aghast that i consider such an arrangement - i told him i have a quilt to work on and i need to finish it - and he has weeks worth of grading to do already - just drive DS out at 3 and leave and come back for him at 8pm.
i feel that DH's reluctance to do this - clearly shows that MIL primary agenda is to control our family - not spend time with her grandson. and for that - i should not be blamed! Also - i can feel good about saying 'we are busy until 3 but we can come over after that" - and maybe - even push this to once every three weekends!
i do have to say that they adore DS and shower him with attention and gifts and he LOVES going over there! But i come home every other weekend feeling this mantle of shame come over me- we sit in silence 40 minutes home because i do not want to start telling DH how much i hate his mother and how twisted their family system is - but i sit there and seethe and feel ...i dunno - i cant figure out how i feel - all i know is its negative. small - i feel small.....do you think this is just a power struggle between to power control junkies (me and MIL?) or would anyone feel so used and manipulated?
Or is my DH just a HUGE mammas boy? refusing to confront her for any reason? I dont know why I cant seem to see this clearly - Thanks for taking the time to read this!