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Healing After Birth - Page 2

post #21 of 47

oh wow, interesting. what kind of toys are good for kegels??

i do hope it will get less at least for me, i'm still leaking too much for any kind of exercise. can't even do yoga! :(

post #22 of 47

So I totally missed this post earlier, but I am so jealous of all you ladies who had an easy recovery. I had a relatively easy pregnancy & labor, though I did push for 5 hours (!!!) so I suppose it was only natural I have a miserable recovery. It was easily the worst part of the whole 'new mom' experience for me - worse than the lack of sleep. Bleeding wasn't too bad but I was in pain for much longer than normal, considering I only had a few first degree tears. I even went in to see my dr around the 3w pp mark because I was still in agony - couldn't sit comfortably, constant burning, shooting pains, etc. No sign of infection but I noticed that the pain lessened each time my dissolvable stitches "fell out" so I am pretty sure I was having an allergic reaction to the stitches. Next time, if I need to be stitched, I will ask for the kind that need to be removed.

 

I did not feel back to "normal" until 6 weeks pp, but even now at 10 weeks pp I am still not able to have sex comfortably. My poor husband. I think lack of estrogen from BFing is making it worse, but I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon so, lube it is. 

 

Things "look" relatively normal down there, but does feel a little different ... like I have a hard little lump down at the bottom of the opening, if that makes sense. Is this normal? Maybe scar tissue? I assume some of this is to be expected but the doctors really don't go in depth about what to expect in that area, postpartum.

post #23 of 47
Omg Sarah, 5hrs of pushing?? It does sound like you might have had a reaction to the stitches, I didn't know that was possible.. Glad that time is over!

I've actually been meaning to ask about sex. I'm 11 weeks postpartum now and we haven't even tried yet. Went back last week and my OB said I need to massage my scar (second degree tear) because it hurts, and that I need to be comfortable with touching the scar before having sex again. DF is miserable of course.. Is everybody else already having sex again?

Also, she examined my uterus and it looks like I may have a fibroid. Didn't have it or didn't show up at my 34 week ultrasound. I gotta go back in January for an ultrasound to determine its location.
post #24 of 47
We've had sex twice. First time was at 10 weeks. The midwife must have done a good job stitching me up because it only hurt a little. Its hard finding time and energy for it though especially since i went back to work.
post #25 of 47
vc, we tried a week ago and it wasn't pleasant. I think next time we try I will use my toy first to help relax things a bit. I also have a hard time relaxing mentally, I find myself listening for him the whole time.
post #26 of 47

thanks for your replies.. dakipode, didn't you have a 3rd degree tear? what kind of toy did you end up getting? 

 

i started my massage last night and um, i don't even know exactly where the scar is. so i'm just massaging the general area of where i *think* it is. :S

post #27 of 47
Sarah, with my first, I had a knot of tissue where I had a suture. It took about a year to resolve.
On the sex issue, we started about 7 weeks PP and average once every week-10 days now at 13 weeks. I don't always desire it but can usually become interested if DH puts in a lot of effort. The first few times were weird, and we tried a few different condoms to find one we could tolerate. But, it's much better for me than last time after DS, and I have my mojo back in terms of arousal/climax (mostly). I think this is heavily influenced by having the good luck of a baby that STTN. More sleep=more normal me. We also use a toy and I demand LOTS of foreplay ahead of the actual intercourse to be very ready. Hope that's not TMI. Oh, and lube, lube, lube! Breastfeeding leads to wicked vaginal dryness and sex can be so painful, even if you feel aroused. Good luck and give yourselves and your partners lots of grace...it's definitely awkward to start DTD after birth.
post #28 of 47
I can't help with this problem as I had a section, and I must admit I'm actually quite glad I did as I haven't got to suffer some of the after birth problems like everyone else. I hope it gets better for you all.
post #29 of 47

vc, I have a "personal massager" but I also want to get some weights, just haven't gone to the store to get those. The idea with the weights is that you have to squeeze to hold them in thereby strengthening that muscle. Yes I had a 3rd degree tear and I wonder if it's scar tissue or they sewed me up tight or my fear of it tearing again (which seems silly since DH is obviously smaller than a baby's head) that keeps me feeling so tight. Anyway, we haven't succeeded yet and DH has been very patient with me for which I'm extremely grateful.

post #30 of 47

Ahhh, postpartum healing and sex. Ugh.

 

This is my third baby, and the first time I may have sort of gotten hemorrhoids. There was something lumpy down there, anyway, but there was no itching or pain, so who knows? Anyway, I decided to take a look with a mirror, and maybe it's just been a really long while, but things just look weird. It's very hard to explain, but my vaginal opening just seems more OPEN, and you can see vaginal wall right through that opening. It was very unexpected and unsettling to me, and I thought something might be wrong. I was checked out at my six-week appointment and told I was looking good, so go figure! But I just feel off, and not at all sexy. I haven't felt like having sex at ALL since the birth, and in fact, it was at least a month or more before birth since we last had sex, thanks to discomfort and pain.

 

Soooo…. yeah. No sex going on here. Besides all that, there's just not really been a good time or place, now that we have the three. I'm hoping soon it might happen? I think I need to MAKE it happen, regardless of my feelings, but I find that so hard to do psychologically. It feels violating to me. Ugh. I just don't know.

 

:(

post #31 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bromache View Post


Soooo…. yeah. No sex going on here. Besides all that, there's just not really been a good time or place, now that we have the three. I'm hoping soon it might happen? I think I need to MAKE it happen, regardless of my feelings, but I find that so hard to do psychologically. It feels violating to me. Ugh. I just don't know.

greensad.gif
Totally felt that way w/#1. Hugs to you, it's such a yuck feeling. My first doula, who was also a sex educator, recommended setting a date to start trying physical intimacy again. Start out just being skin to skin, making out or massage. Then progressing to more intimate touching, etc. This can take as long as the couple wants/needs, but keeping a weekly date to be physically together and working on it. She also suggested masturbation (the mama) might allow some exploration of a changed anatomy and response patterns after giving birth without the pressure of doing it with/for your partner. I found these ideas helpful the first time, but it took a long time to want sex again and stop feeling like I was doing a job that I didn't particularly enjoy.

Wishing everyone the best as healing continues.
post #32 of 47
Ah, yeah. Sex is a touchy subject around here. We started up rather early I guess- before the 4 week mark, anyway- but it isn't happening often. Probably once a week or less on average. My sex drive is great, I think DP is very attractive, he is ALWAYS ready... But I'm just so tired. We don't have many evenings together and when we do I just want to sit on the couch and watch an episode of a show on netflix. I enjoy sex very much when we do it, but it mostly just feels like one more chore to me.

It's selfish, I know, but I just get so "touched out" and I dread his expectation and hate disappointing him.
post #33 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by haurelia View Post


Totally felt that way w/#1. Hugs to you, it's such a yuck feeling. My first doula, who was also a sex educator, recommended setting a date to start trying physical intimacy again. Start out just being skin to skin, making out or massage. Then progressing to more intimate touching, etc. This can take as long as the couple wants/needs, but keeping a weekly date to be physically together and working on it. She also suggested masturbation (the mama) might allow some exploration of a changed anatomy and response patterns after giving birth without the pressure of doing it with/for your partner. I found these ideas helpful the first time, but it took a long time to want sex again and stop feeling like I was doing a job that I didn't particularly enjoy.

Wishing everyone the best as healing continues.

 

Thank you for the advice! I'm afraid scheduling it will add to my stress, but something's gotta give. I guess I need to just make it happen.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post

Ah, yeah. Sex is a touchy subject around here. We started up rather early I guess- before the 4 week mark, anyway- but it isn't happening often. Probably once a week or less on average. My sex drive is great, I think DP is very attractive, he is ALWAYS ready... But I'm just so tired. We don't have many evenings together and when we do I just want to sit on the couch and watch an episode of a show on netflix. I enjoy sex very much when we do it, but it mostly just feels like one more chore to me.

It's selfish, I know, but I just get so "touched out" and I dread his expectation and hate disappointing him.

 

Oh, touched out for sure! I don't know if it's good or bad that he seems to have no expectations right now. Bah! He did seem to want a "real" kiss last night, but I have a split in the corner of my lip from the dry air, so it wasn't happening.

 

Someday… someday.

Thanks for listening!

post #34 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bromache View Post

 

Anyway, I decided to take a look with a mirror, and maybe it's just been a really long while, but things just look weird. It's very hard to explain, but my vaginal opening just seems more OPEN, and you can see vaginal wall right through that opening. It was very unexpected and unsettling to me, and I thought something might be wrong. I was checked out at my six-week appointment and told I was looking good, so go figure! But I just feel off, and not at all sexy. I haven't felt like having sex at ALL since the birth, and in fact, it was at least a month or more before birth since we last had sex, thanks to discomfort and pain.

 

Bromache, i too was pretty unsettled to see how "open" everything looked. it seems to look less open now at 10+ weeks PP. brought it up at my checkup and my MW said that's just what happens.. that it will always look a little more open or loose now after birth. 

 

thanks for all your replies. it's been 13 weeks now, still nowhere near sex. been a tiny little bit better with doing my kegels and i've massaged the area once so far. i just can't seem to find the time or the space or i don't know. i do want to get back to some sort of normal love life. it's been three months now and i also feel like i really want things to be "back to some sort of normal" again. everything's just gotten so hard. every day is a new challenge, despite settling into a few daily routines such as bed time for the baby. 

 

my body has become a mystery to me.. or remains a mystery to me. i had it figured out before birth and now i have to get to know it all over again. i really dislike it. i don't wanna touch and explore and feel uncomfortable. but i guess all couples eventually end up having sex again, right? right??

post #35 of 47

vc, DH and I finally DTD on Christmas (not because it was Christmas, just because A was down for a long nap and we were both home that day...) and it was uncomfortable. We used lots of lube and that helped. I'm hoping with time things will start feeling more normal again, as you mentioned, hormonally as well (i.e. I have zero interest, I just wanted to DH a favor).

Sounds like you've got some stress going on with "life in general". Take it easy, don't feel like you have to be everything to everyone! And good luck in bed, LOL!

post #36 of 47

dakipode, thanks for sharing! does DTD mean you had "real sex, all the way" again? (if you don't mind sharing!!)

 

yeah, the last two weeks were really rough here. but i'm also really missing our normal couple / love life. so we tried last night.

i was really tense, was expecting pain so it was definitely just an experiiment and nowhere near fun. although i was glad to just be close to DF again. 

 

we used a lot of lube and tried different positions to see which one would be most comfortable. DF was wonderful, patient, etc. i have to work on relaxing.. hopeing we can experiment like this at least once a week now.  

post #37 of 47

DH and I have DTD maybe 6-7 times since DS was born.  He wanted to do it right at 6 weeks so we did, even though I could have waited a lot longer.  It did hurt but he was gentle and since then it's been a lot better.  I feel bad b/c we used to do it so much and now I often don't want to, or more like I'm not initiating and if he suggests it I kind of see it more like a chore which isn't very nice.  Mainly it's b/c I feel so overweight and self-conscious; being overweight also means it's harder for me to get in certain positions like I used to.  I'm efb so that makes it dryer so we usually use lube which helps a bit.  A few times though I haven't needed it and sex was great, but then yesterday it kind of hurt again.  DH wants me to initiate more like I used to and do different positions but I don't really want to.  Usually I'm just doing him a favor when I do it although often I get into it to eventually.  Other times I um...help him manually lol.  Sorry if TMI.  I do know that our relationship is important and I shouldn't just be ignoring his physical needs as much as I do or ignoring our need to stay intimate so I should really put in more effort in making him feel more loved.

post #38 of 47

vc, yes, DTD was "real" sex. And since we're sharing: I pleasured myself first which really helped me relax and helped lubricate things down there. We still used lots of lube on top of that.

Kali: we call that a "hand party"! I feel the same way though, I need to put more effort into making DH feel sexually wanted and attractive. I put so much effort and energy into caring for DS that I sometimes feel like I've got nothing left, and that's not fair to DH.

post #39 of 47

thanks for sharing. man, i feel like we're months away from getting our sex life back. we did try that one time, but we both agreed it didn't count as "real" sex. and we yet have to try again. :S i feel like the lube isn't really doing much, and i find it hard to get into any kind of mood.. even when i did manage to get into the mood, i lost it as soon as we started trying. 

post #40 of 47

update. we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

two days later and we're both still ecstatic about it, and somewhat in disbelief.

 

key to the whole tear thing is apparently to avoid putting pressure on the scar. which requires some trying out of positions and angles. anyway, so relieved now - feeling like a normal couple again, well somewhat at least!

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