Thinking of you, clovebucket.
Losing my baby :( - Page 2
Thank you ladies... I just checked in (a bit late sorry!) and saw your comments <3
I am still pregnant, now over 39 weeks!... waiting for baby anytime. I have reached a sense of acceptance which at times surprises me with its buoyancy. I still have trepidation about impending first birth - and the loss afterwards (sometimes I don't know which I'm more scared of) but the more time goes on, the more fed up I get of fear.
I'm grateful I've had this time to think. Time has been a mental balm, a spiritual epidural. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel I can say now, I'm glad I didn't rush into induction which would have involved feticide beforehand. I had to ask myself could I, personally, live with that pitiful process in my mind forever... I knew my decision had to be made with a peaceful and strong mind, but every moment I felt like I wanted the hospital plan, it was triggered by anger and fear, and I knew that wasn't right, so I'd let another appointment slip. It is not so much that there is a right or wrong. It's just what is right or wrong for you. And when clouded by shock, that judgement is muddied.
My midwife has been a godsend and a ticket to autonomous thinking to clear through the clouds of shock and get back to 'who I am'. She is an independent midwife, and I feel that money will be no object to have a woman like this care for me again.
So I'm still traversing the 'longer way through'... but one I do believe will bring me better closure, this is still my first birth, a very important and special event for any woman to cross through... dare I say it, there are specks of excitement appearing, as I realise I am still going to be doing what I have anticipated for so long, I love my baby and that's never changed and never will.. and on that high of love I will soar.. no matter how many hard moments birth has, this will still be as I always thought... 'monumental'. Concentrating on this baby, MY baby, gives me a surprising sense of willpower... my special baby with his/her own circumstances... not any other bouncing healthy baby I see round me... this sweet baby of mine has only me to protect them and see them through.
And when I ask myself, would I swap places with any other mother right now? My answer is no, this is my life I'm living, and I love my life.
And when I ask myself, if I was offered by a magical force to make this baby just disappear, would I accept? My answer would be no, I have to give birth to this child, my child, and be fearlessly present for their sake to help them pass through. No-one else can do it for me. I have to be there for them, just like any mother present for an older child in any situation they face.
It all still sounds daunting to me, as a first time mother especially. But the answers to the questions are true, and I use love, pure love for my baby as the rope to pull me through this. <3
your are one strong mom and you are right it is your baby and always will be your baby to love and to hold in your heart i wish you the greats strenght that i can give you it is not an easy thing you are going thru but i do feel you are strong enough to have been bless with a special baby that was made for you
clove, you may have already heard of this organization, but https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ is a great source for families looking for photographers. A friend who lost her triplets last year, has talked about how happy she was to have this service available to her.
Thinking of you.
Hi all - still waiting for baby, i'm 41 weeks which I did not expect to reach, after having read stories about Potters babies coming as early as 32 weeks!
Some days are surprisingly buoyant, other days I am full of tears, but even when I cry I still feel determined and full of love, and because of that I don't feel like this is the worst thing that could happen to me. It's strange.
Still got that tall gate to get through... the birth... but what I have learnt lately is that sadness is ok as long as there is no fear. Without fear, sadness is 'do-able'. Crying can even feel good. I am expressing all my emotions and working through them as I should.
It really helps to have read other people's experiences, noted down things they said, kept those words by me as a guide to what I might feel in the future... and slowly start to feel them myself.
I would be honoured to be able to help other people in similar situations in the future. It makes living this experience worthwhile.
I make sure I stay connected to my baby and tell them every day how much I love them, I sing to them in the shower and massage my belly in coconut oil as I always did... keeping 'face on' to the presence of my baby, and trying to project a retrospective appreciation of them being here right NOW, I believe is the best way forward.
Till the next update... will meet my baby any day now.
Edited by clovebucket - 11/26/13 at 2:37am
Finally after a total of 43 weeks, our son was born right where I wanted, at home, in peace and comfort. And he was beautiful. I was blessed to have the birth of my dreams, in terms of it being straightforward, natural and shorter than I expected for a first birth.
When I'd reached 42.5 weeks I started to droop into weary anxiety of when he was going to arrive, why labour hadn't started, and I began to lose belief in my body and in our plan.
So the day of reaching 43 weeks, my midwife gave me a stretch and sweep at home at about 11am, which was supposed to prepare me for a hospital pessary, but luckily ended up starting labour! Slowly over the next few hours pottering about at home watching films etc it got more intense and by 6pm we established it was early labour. I got as much rest as as I could.
By midnight we thought we had hours to go, I only called the midwife to have her company, because I was making some noise by now with a funny feeling in my bum during contractions. She turned up, checked me, and turns out baby was ready to be born! This was 2am. I was surprised that pushing didn't really hurt at all, it was just a very intense powerful feeling that made me roar loud and probably woke the neighbourhood. About 3 contractions and he was out.
He had already passed away, maybe moments before.
I held him in my arms at once. He was here, but he was gone, but everything is ok. I had always told him I would be here for him all the way, all the way I would look after him...
I cut his cord, we bathed him in a bowl, dressed him, took footprints, took pics throughout. Eyes closed, lips like mine, a few wisps of hair, limbs curled up and a bit squished along with slightly squished nose (from lack of fluid in the womb) but amazing to gaze at him endlessly, we took many pictures.
I always wondered how I'd react to meeting him and needlessly feared it. I had no tears during all the time we spent together that night. I was happy and so relieved. For the worst had already been done - 12 weeks ago when we first got the news. Now that he's gone, I am so grateful to myself for looking after him tenderly during that 2.5 months after his diagnosis. Because now I had his lifeless body in front of me, a real human, I'm glad he was looked after when his heart did beat and his limbs did move, frustratingly mysterious behind the flesh curtain of my body.
When I held him in the funeral parlour afterwards it felt so good, better than I ever thought it could feel; his weight within my arms and his soft skin against my cheek was like pouring nectar into my soul, he seemed to dry my tears from beyond the grave.
I ask him to watch over me, as I watched over him.
Two and a half weeks later, I have cried many tears saying goodbye to him, but his funeral and burial weren't the worst part. For me it was ok saying goodbye to his body, because I know he's moved on. But I miss him so much, and am grieving hard. I am also keeping positive about the new year and the future.
I am just so happy I did everything I could for him.
This quote gives me great comfort:
"...the children who come for a short time are gifts and for however long they stay we are lucky enough to be allowed to love them dearly. I am in no way discounting the immense grief that will come as well, because that is significant too, but being fearlessly present in the moment of your Childs life and death is the biggest gift you can give yourself and your child. When you look back on this is five years I hope that you are able to say that you created and held the space to the best of your ability for your angel of pure love to experience your human love without hesitation or fear of the moment, no matter how terrible the moment is. Your baby has known nothing but your love since the beginning, dont forget, the baby is pure love."
What message would I pass onto other mothers? I have SO much to say, but if I had to choose one simple thing, I'd say: don't underestimate love! Simply the love you feel, as a mother for your child, is more powerful than fear, sadness and pain.
Below is a picture of Evan and I.
I am now grieving hard... nearly a month after the birth... I feel like it's really hitting me. I am full of tears when I think of him once moving inside me, and then to fall still when we meet... I am thankful for everything I did for him, so thankful... but nevertheless I mourn that nature took him from me. I miss him, I wish he were with me, but I just want him to know how much I love him. It is so hard but I know the path is clear for my onward healing. I need to live on from this fearlessly, it is so important to me to do that, to make this experience worthwhile and make something great of Evan's existence.
Happy new year