Thinking of you, clovebucket.
Losing my baby :( - Page 2
Thank you ladies... I just checked in (a bit late sorry!) and saw your comments <3
I am still pregnant, now over 39 weeks!... waiting for baby anytime. I have reached a sense of acceptance which at times surprises me with its buoyancy. I still have trepidation about impending first birth - and the loss afterwards (sometimes I don't know which I'm more scared of) but the more time goes on, the more fed up I get of fear.
I'm grateful I've had this time to think. Time has been a mental balm, a spiritual epidural. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel I can say now, I'm glad I didn't rush into induction which would have involved feticide beforehand. I had to ask myself could I, personally, live with that pitiful process in my mind forever... I knew my decision had to be made with a peaceful and strong mind, but every moment I felt like I wanted the hospital plan, it was triggered by anger and fear, and I knew that wasn't right, so I'd let another appointment slip. It is not so much that there is a right or wrong. It's just what is right or wrong for you. And when clouded by shock, that judgement is muddied.
My midwife has been a godsend and a ticket to autonomous thinking to clear through the clouds of shock and get back to 'who I am'. She is an independent midwife, and I feel that money will be no object to have a woman like this care for me again.
So I'm still traversing the 'longer way through'... but one I do believe will bring me better closure, this is still my first birth, a very important and special event for any woman to cross through... dare I say it, there are specks of excitement appearing, as I realise I am still going to be doing what I have anticipated for so long, I love my baby and that's never changed and never will.. and on that high of love I will soar.. no matter how many hard moments birth has, this will still be as I always thought... 'monumental'. Concentrating on this baby, MY baby, gives me a surprising sense of willpower... my special baby with his/her own circumstances... not any other bouncing healthy baby I see round me... this sweet baby of mine has only me to protect them and see them through.
And when I ask myself, would I swap places with any other mother right now? My answer is no, this is my life I'm living, and I love my life.
And when I ask myself, if I was offered by a magical force to make this baby just disappear, would I accept? My answer would be no, I have to give birth to this child, my child, and be fearlessly present for their sake to help them pass through. No-one else can do it for me. I have to be there for them, just like any mother present for an older child in any situation they face.
It all still sounds daunting to me, as a first time mother especially. But the answers to the questions are true, and I use love, pure love for my baby as the rope to pull me through this. <3
your are one strong mom and you are right it is your baby and always will be your baby to love and to hold in your heart i wish you the greats strenght that i can give you it is not an easy thing you are going thru but i do feel you are strong enough to have been bless with a special baby that was made for you
clove, you may have already heard of this organization, but https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ is a great source for families looking for photographers. A friend who lost her triplets last year, has talked about how happy she was to have this service available to her.
Thinking of you.
Hi all - still waiting for baby, i'm 41 weeks which I did not expect to reach, after having read stories about Potters babies coming as early as 32 weeks!
Some days are surprisingly buoyant, other days I am full of tears, but even when I cry I still feel determined and full of love, and because of that I don't feel like this is the worst thing that could happen to me. It's strange.
Still got that tall gate to get through... the birth... but what I have learnt lately is that sadness is ok as long as there is no fear. Without fear, sadness is 'do-able'. Crying can even feel good. I am expressing all my emotions and working through them as I should.
It really helps to have read other people's experiences, noted down things they said, kept those words by me as a guide to what I might feel in the future... and slowly start to feel them myself.
I would be honoured to be able to help other people in similar situations in the future. It makes living this experience worthwhile.
I make sure I stay connected to my baby and tell them every day how much I love them, I sing to them in the shower and massage my belly in coconut oil as I always did... keeping 'face on' to the presence of my baby, and trying to project a retrospective appreciation of them being here right NOW, I believe is the best way forward.
Till the next update... will meet my baby any day now.
Edited by clovebucket - 11/26/13 at 2:37am