Edited by orthodoxmom - 12/14/13 at 4:49pm
Honestly, if it where me, I would be a supportive as possible. Is she talking about having an abortion? That's what I am kind of getting from your post.
You cant talk her into feeling happy about it if she isn't. All you can do is listen and help her make new plans. Encourage her to see a doctor to help with her depression.
She's been talking to me about depression....and I figured it out a few weeks ago what was going on and finally confronted her. I think she wanted to tell me but was afraid of judgment especially since I suffered a miscarriage a year ago and she knew I was torn up about it.
No, she is not talking about an abortion but probably wishing it wasn't so wrong and probably understanding why some go that route. She has voiced wishing something would happen. :( She has seen a dr. She's taking a low dose of Zofran, only 25 mg and has not yet upped to 50 even though she was supposed to... which makes me wonder if she isn't already looking out for this baby she claims she's afraid she will not love?
I think all I can do is listen and pray. I just wish I could guide her to some words of comfort... maybe someone who has gone throught this with a positive end?
That's the thing though, no two women and no two situations are the same. It seems to me that you want to fix her and force her to be happy about this pregnancy. I can understand why you would feel that way, but her situation is so much different than yours.
The truth is that there is a good chance that even if she wasn't struggling with depression, that an unintended pregnancy wouldn't have been welcomed by her. Add in the depression and whatever else she is dealing with, I can completely understand why she is feeling a disconnect.
From what you have said I would guess that she is considering having an abortion, but maybe hasn't said so to you because of your history. Of course I don't know that for sure, but having been in shoes very similar to hers, I would guess that she is.
Neither you or I can say what the best route is for her, only she can decide that. I would strongly encourage you to support her if she does decide to terminate, just as you would if she decided to carry to term. Please do not tell her it is "wrong" or whatever. Have a frank discussion with her about her options and then let her know that you wont judge her either way.
Maybe feeling like she has choices will help her decide that she does in fact want to keep the baby.
I wish you and your friend the best of luck. Let us know how things turn out.
No I don't want to 'force' her... I want to help make things easier if that's in any way possible. It's the pregnancy that brought on the depression, that and a milliion other life issues she's dealt with over the last year. I can totally understand how she feels about it... I am apparently only one of 3 people she even talks about it too... so I know that she does see me as being non-judgemental and I wish to continue that... I'm just looking here for advice on how to help her through this so that I can keep being strong for her and be what she needs.
I would never support an abortion and I don't think that's what she's considering. It's 100% against our Faith. And I know she's struggling spiritually right now but I know she would not do that. If she totally lost herself and did something completely against her total being, I would still love her but I coud not condone that act. EVER. Don't judge me for not being able to support an abortion and I won't judge you for considering it a viable option.
She is considering adoption.... but struggling with whether she could do that. I'm not sure her husband could support that but obviously this will not affect his life the way it will affect hers. She obviously loves this child even if she's not able to fully feel that yet. She is worried about whether or not she'll love it... why would she care if a part of her didn't already care about it? She worries about taking medication and she worries about whether it will have any medical problems. This doesn't come from someone that wants to terminate. I think a lot of this stems from marital issues... she is seeking counseling as well.
I wasn't asking anyone to change their beliefs, sense I didn't even know what they where until just now . OP asked for the perspective of someone who had been in a similar situation, and I gave it.
If I where in OP's shoes then I would be telling my friend that I was behind them no matter what. I know from experience though that when faced with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy, that it changes the way you look at things. Obviously people have different opinions and spiritual beliefs, but in that situation I would be leaving the door open for love and understanding if my friend seemed to be contemplating terminating and/or brought it up. But the point is moot sense OP says she is 100% certain that is not a route that her friend is considering. I was just making an assumption based on my own experiences and the limited information provided.
OP Just keep being an ear to listen because that is really all you can do. She has many choices in front of her, and unfortunately there isn't much you can do until she has made one of them.
And don't worry about me judging you OP, I am more open minded than that.
Well, thank you for not judging but I feel is someone tells me not to say to someone else that abortion is wrong then they are judging me for believing that. And that is the only option I absolutely cannot support. I dont see that as an option at all. I also knows that deep inside she is against this too whether the gloom hanging over her is tempting her right now or not. So ....
Yes, all I can do is listen right now. And remind her of her own beliefs if necessary. Right now I'm not saying too much of anything other than guiding her to figure out what exactly it is that upsets her the most about this to see if those particular issues can be resolved. At least she's talking. She didn't for weeks. I just wish I could help her with the physical symptoms too that are just exacerbating the whole issue!
I think the best thing you can do for her is leave her alone. She needs space to think about her situation and find the outcome that is right for her. She doesn't need someone preaching at her. Hopefully she has some friends like MoodyAlly that can support her no matter what her decision is.
Hi, I'm Orthodox too! Really the best thing one can do for anyone is pray for them so you are helping her already. Maybe especially pray for her to the Mother of God. She knew what it was like to have an unexpected pregnancy, and also suffered from lack of support and people judging her. : ) Maybe you two could pray the akathist together.
Be a good friend, make time to be with her, listen to her, help out with things she needs done. Don't worry about how she feels about the baby, just focus your love on her. If she gets out of the depression and chooses to keep the child in her family, mom hormones should take care of the rest. And pray for her and with her, no agenda just health, love, peace, joy, and God's will be done.
For nausea, you can help make meals now and then for her and her family, it's miserable to cook while feeling pukey. And help her find anything with ginger in it, sour lollipops might help too. If there's heartburn involved, DGL licorice chewable tablets work wonders.
Hello Everyone. I'm moving this thread to Personal Growth as it's better hosted there given its focus on how to help and support a friend when the friend is feeling differently about her situation that the you would.
Because this thread is touching on some sensitive issues, a few reminders: Mothering does not support posts debating abortion. Also posts discussing how your faith has helped you are fine, but proselytizing to convert others nor are comments that disrespectful of others' religious beliefs. Disagreements about spiritual issues should be set aside out of respect for the diversity and varying interpretations and beliefs that we hold as a community. Last but not least, please keep in mind personal attacks will not be tolerated. Teat others as you would want to be treated.
Now, back to the thread: OP, one thing I suggest thinking about your own limits. In what ways are your comfortable supporting your friend? In what ways are you not? It doesn't make you a bad friend to set boundaries on the kind of support you can provide. If listening to your friend say things that you strong disagree with is difficult for you, perhaps that's not the best way to provide support. Maybe offering practical support (like running errands if your friend isn't feeling well) would be a way that's comfortable to you and provides support to her? Perhaps you can help research options for counseling and provide these to her so that she can talk with someone who is not personally connected to her situation?
The seems like excellent advice to me. It allows you to remain a faithful friend without going against your faith in case your friend's decision is something you wouldn't do.
Thank you everyone..... I appreciate that you have all wanted to help. This remains a difficult challenge. Some days are better and some not. She seems to be more accepting of the situation at hand when she's having a better day physically. Apparently she's been diagnosed with hypermesis. This with the depression is not a fun mix.
I remain a listening friend. While it's not always easy for me to hear, I need to do it. She has a counselor but has not shared this with many and doesn't talk about it to even all that are aware. I know what depression is like. I know it can make any situation seem completely hopeless. I've had depression in the past and have a great understanding for what it's like. While I'm not in her shoes for the events that led to this or going through the physical torment of hypermesis, I do know what it feels like to be sick and depressed...so I will still keep listeing. The suggestions on meals,cleaning, etc. are good. It's hard because she doesn't live very close but it's doable perhaps. Every time I'm in town I do call and see if she needs me to pick up anything but thus far the answer is no. I do appreciate everyone's intentions to help me here whether the suggestions were something I could follow through with or not.
I'm sorry for this confusion above.... yes, I used to be on here as organicmom but switched when my password got messed up and somehow when I responded with my phone it used the old identity. I have NO idea how that happend. Weird. I'll have to make sure to figure that out at some point and fix it.
Thanks again to you all.