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Would you stick with a married DP?

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 

My DP and I have been together for a year and he has been separated from his wife for almost three years now.  It's really bothered me that he is still married, and I've told him so, but he doesn't make changes, saying that he is worried he won't see his kids as much, etc, if he fills out divorce paperwork.  His ex is a very manipulative person and I see part of this as her doing...she threatens him a lot with things and he gets so afraid of losing the kids that he does what she likes. 

 

I have a very hard time with the whole situation.  I feel like they need to divorce so they can move on.  I know there is nothing going on between teh two of them sexually or anything, so it's not so much that I feel threatened, but just that I feel it's wrong to live with a man married to someone else, and eventually I would like to marry him.  I also feel like he doesn't take marriage seriously since he does live with me and sees no issue with staying married elsewhere. 

 

I kept telling him I couldn't deal with this, and he didn't seem to take me seriously, so a month ago I told him I need him to get divorced in 3 months or I will leave him b/c it's a need of mine and I can't just hang on to a married man, no matter how much we love each other. 

 

He thinks it's mean of me to do this, and he thinks I've stressed him out, and he thinks 3 months is not long enough to write up divorce papers.  Meanwhile I did my divorce papers in an hour for my own marriage.  I don't get it...is this legit, taking 3 months?  I don't need them processed, I just want him to file them in the next three months. 

 

Unbiased opinions sought.  He just keeps saying he wants to do everything right so he is slowly working out a plan...yet he has nothing written down...and i don't see anything changing. 

post #2 of 14
I think you've made a very reasonable request. If it's important to him, there's no reason that 3 months wouldn't be enough time to file the paperwork.

Hugs -- I hope this all works out.
post #3 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I think you've made a very reasonable request. If it's important to him, there's no reason that 3 months wouldn't be enough time to file the paperwork.

Hugs -- I hope this all works out.

I agree with this. Wish you best, OP.
post #4 of 14

hmmm raene. you know your situation is pretty common. for various reasons. most couples are cordial though that i know of. 

 

well its now 2 months right? even now its enough time. you have been talking about this and giving him plenty of warning. so you have been fair. 

 

do they have a lot of property together? i can see that taking some time. getting a lawyer set up. and figuring it out. but if the logistics are simple, there is no reason why it should take him this long.

 

has he done anything this month? did he give an explanation why not. 

 

basically he is not willing to talk about this, when clearly its time to talk. 

post #5 of 14
I think three months is plenty of time to file and he is better off filing first so she has to contest if she doesn't agree with the amount of custody he requests. A decree will take away her power to use the kids against him because he will have a legal right to whatever is in the decree and if she denies him his visitation she can be held in contempt or prosecuted for kidnapping.
post #6 of 14
My DH was technically still married when we got together. The marriage was over, and his ex was living with, and had a child with, another man. DH had never filed because admitting that his marriage had failed was hard, and painful. Still, it was necessary if we were going to have our own life and our own family.

It's past time for your DP to move on, and extricate himself from a marriage that is already over. Not just filing papers, but cutting the apron strings with his ex. If he can't do that, you should move on.
post #7 of 14

If he's still married, he has a wife, NOT and ex-wife.  He is cheating on her and their children (do you really want to be with someone that cheats on his own children??).  Rationalize it all you (and. he) want, it's still adultery.

 

Quote:
I don't need them processed, I just want him to file them in the next three months. 

 

Until he is divorced, you are abetting his infidelity.  Are you any better than he is?

 

Leave.  Now.

 

By the way, why accuse his wife of being "very manipulative", when it is so obvious that he is the same way?  He has you doing what he wants (that's a hell of a "plan"), as well, and you have been doing it for a year.  Seems like he and his wife are very much the same type of people, manipulation-wise....

 

Why buy the cake if you can eat if for free?

post #8 of 14
While the OP's partner is not being responsible in this situation, I would hardly call what they are doing "infidelity" or "cheating on his children" just because a piece of paper says he is still married. They've been separated for three years.

He is having a hard time with the divorce papers but you are in the right, OP. It's time for him to buckle down and deal with it. Nothing wrong with what you are asking. Good luck!!!
post #9 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by dalia View Post

While the OP's partner is not being responsible in this situation, I would hardly call what they are doing "infidelity" or "cheating on his children" just because a piece of paper says he is still married. They've been separated for three years.

He is having a hard time with the divorce papers but you are in the right, OP. It's time for him to buckle down and deal with it. Nothing wrong with what you are asking. Good luck!!!

 

He IS still married and that "piece of paper" is a legal document stating such.  Without that piece of paper, this situation would not exist.  If he's been separated for 3 years and involved with the OP for a year, that gave him the prior 2 years to clear the books.  Unless, of course, he was involved with someone else, like the OP, and gave her the same woe-to-me sob story.  If that is the case, the OP needs to recognize that he is not going to change and move on with her life.  Without him in it.

 

Honestly, three years to make things clean?  Nope, not buying it

 

He needs to do right by his wife and children and by the law.  He is married.  He should not be married if he is going to be with someone else.  It is quite simple.

 

OP, if he has cheated on his wife, with you, for a year, what makes you think he'd not be the same with you?  It's ultimatum time.  File AND finalize.  Now.

 

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children.  He's not exactly a shining example of love and commitment for them.

 

.

post #10 of 14
Oh, I'm not saying that she shouldn't give him the ultimatum, I just think I have a different view of his level of "wrongness" here. To me, he's not cheating. I'm assuming they are legally separated at this point, but even if they aren't, three years pretty much says the marriage has been over for a while. I don't consider the OP the "other woman" at this point.

I do think he's being irresponsible but I don't think he's cheating at his point. That was what I was trying to say.
post #11 of 14

I think giving him 3 months to file is more then fair.  Yes, it might take a while for things to be finalized, but it really does not take very much time at all to start the process.  I would also insist that once the process is started that he stay on top of it and that he is not the one that is dragging it out. 

post #12 of 14

You need to stop seeing things the way you want them to be, and see them the way they are.  You are with a married man, who has no plans to become "unmarried" any time soon.

 

As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?"

post #13 of 14

we do not know the history behind the relationship so i am not going to jump in and say she is the 'other' woman.

 

but i am surprised no one here has come across a situation such as this family's. many DONT feel they need to divorce to move on. 

 

lots of married people separate physically but on paper stay married. for various reasons - sometimes its benefits and health insurance reasons. sometimes for the pandora's box the divorce will open. sometimes for property reasons. some enter new partnerships and have children. 

 

so that part does not bother me at all. 

 

i do not absolutely jump into the cheating on his wife theory. it could be but it may not be (depending on the history). 

 

but all of this does not matter. what matters is OP how u feel, and how he supports you in that. would u be happy if he divorced his wife and refused to marry you? what if he is completely against marriage any more? would that make you happy?

 

i would start planning your life and researching what legal rights you and your dd have. that is prepare for the worst but hope for the best. 

post #14 of 14

I think you have done the right thing with the ultimatum. 

Quote:
 His ex is a very manipulative person and I see part of this as her doing...she threatens him a lot with things and he gets so afraid of losing the kids that he does what she likes. 

Honestly, it sounds to me like he is very manipulative himself.  HE is stressed.  YOU are mean.  I don't think so.  He is trying to have his cake and eat it to, and that is not at all fare to you or your child.  

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