My mother has flown in from wisconsin and we are receiving meals via meal train which is a big help as my mother has a lot of limitations physically. Having her here gives me a feeling of permission to be weak and sad and tired. It is so strange to think about how strong I had to be, how calm and controlled I *had* to be... it was a real emergency, and there was no space for grief. As the days pass and my strength returns its' strange that bit by bit, I realize how bad it was. i'm really struggling with the reality of the D&C. When i came to in teh recovery room after teh surgery, I was talking... I was telling the people around me that I was actually a Vampire Slayer and that I would recover really quickly because of my "slayer-strength" reality set in enough that I knew I wasn't actually a slayer and it makes me laugh to know I was saying something so darn silly... BUT it also breaks my heart, that in that moment, I was that out of it... i didn't even know or understand what had just happened... that my baby was GONE...that my baby was not inside me anymore. i didn't even know. It took a long time for me to "get it" because in the next hour or so, they tried to release me, to send me home and i passed out all over again... i was still totally messed up. we discovered at that point my hemoglobin was at a 6.4 (usually about a 13) and it took to transfusions to get me up to an 8.0 *sigh* Even once I was home I wouldn't relax, falling asleep felt too much like passing out and when I sleep, my dreams are crazy vivid and I wake up with my heart pounding, covered in sweat with my head throbbing.
The kids are all still processing the experience, my youngest (3) acting out in all kinds of ways... hitting, sobbing over little frustrations and being very, very mama clingy. My 7 year old son is probably the most calm, but i wonder how much is going on under the surface. He is pretty self centered and self contained and while he is sad to know that baby died, he seems to have moved on. My 9 year old daughter however is really having a hard time... not only with the deep disappointment over having another baby die (in our minds a sister) but also with her intense fear after realizing that i could have died... that mama *could* die. *sigh* She was the most loving to this baby of any of us... the most excited and most eager to know the person growing inside me... she is really hurting.
i must admit that this experience has really shaken me... has me really seriously questioning if i am willing to EVER try again. which sucks. I haven't stopped wanting to love another child, to nurse another baby... to give my children another sibling, that feeling hasn't gone away, but I am really scared of the mere thought of getting pregnant any time soon. It will be months till my body recovers from this... probably around the time our little one was due to be born. i'm looking at 6 months of recovery before i'd even consider attempting another pregnancy. And to be honest, I don't know if i'm willing to risk this happening again. i hate to be dramatic, but IF I had started bleeding that way I did while I was home alone with my 3 year old... I could have died. If my husband hadn't been at my side and catching me as I passed out... moving me to the sofa, putting my feet up i wouldn't have *thought* to do that myself. I could have bled to death at home and my kids could have come home and found my body. That's a really terrifying thought and it makes me sick to my stomach... I have NEVER been scared of birth before. 3 homebirths, 2 were unassisted... joy-filled powerful experiences and now i'm scared silly. It's gonna take time for me to trust my body again.
So, i'm grieving for the loss of my child, the impact on my children and husband and my own trust in my body. It's a lot to mourn and I'm doing my best to take it in small bites. This little song has been comforting...