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Goodbye Friends

post #1 of 39
Thread Starter 

I am sorry to tell you that I will not be posting in the due Date club here any longer as I lost my baby over the weekend. almost 2 weeks ago, we had signs, spotting that led to discouraging blood work and were told to expect miscarriage. I spent about a week waiting and hoping and despairing and waiting some more... the bleeding began in earnest Sunday evening and in the wee hours of the morning we had to call an ambulance to the house as I was losing consciousness. i had really wanted to stay home and keep the event private and meaningful, but things didn't go that way. I labored in the ER for many hours and was eventually sent to surgery for a D&C. The blood loss was significant and I ended up being hospitalized for 3 days, receiving 2 transfusions of blood. The whole experience was exhausting, heartbreaking and invasive... very different from my previous loss which i managed from home. I am home again and slowly coming to terms with the loss of my baby as the focus of the last few days has been on me and my health, not my grief. It feels incredibly strange to come here and tell you my news and I hate to think bringing any of you down but i wanted to make a small space where I could interact with you wonderful ladies who have shared this journey with me. I was expecting a rainbow, but instead experienced the storm in a new and exhausting way. It gives me new understanding of and respect for the women I've met who have experienced multiple losses and still continue to keep faith that there is a rainbow waiting for them. It takes such strength to move forward through this with anything resembling grace...


Banana 

post #2 of 39

I haven't known you long, but I really really like you. I'm so sad that this happened.

It's so hard to know what to say. I wish you all that is good in the world. 

post #3 of 39
I will miss you. I'm so sorry that there was so much trauma added to your heartbreak. Be gentle with yourself for as long as you need to be. It's such a long hard road, but it does get better and there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Insulate yourself and give yourself a break. I'm so sorry. *hugs*
post #4 of 39

I am so sorry :(

post #5 of 39
Banana, you and your baby will be missed here. Peace to you and your family as you grieve and recover.
post #6 of 39
I'm so sorry to hear your heartbreaking news, Banana. I will keep you and your family in my heart.
post #7 of 39

Oh, I am so, so, sorry. If there was anything to be done I would do it . . . take care of yourself. 

post #8 of 39

Aw, Banana, I am so, so sorry that it had to be such a traumatic experience for you. I know you are such a wonderful and loving mama. I wish you had not had to go through losing consciousness and a 3 day hospital stay on top of losing the baby. That is just so unfair. I wish you lots of strength and love and healing, and I hope you have people around you to help with the little things and let you relax a little. Best wishes to you on your journey to healing after this difficult time. ((hugs!))

post #9 of 39

oh honey, i so wish there were right words to find. please do not worry about upsetting us, i'm sure we all want to be here as much as possible. what an indescribably horrible time you've had, i had so hoped that your news wouldn't be bad, of course we all did. (so much love and hugs) if you ever need to talk, for any reason please feel free to message me

post #10 of 39

Hugs, love and prayers. Wishing you all the best and praying that you find that grace. 

post #11 of 39

Oh, mama... I'm so very sorry for your loss.

post #12 of 39

My heart breaks for you.  Thank you for sharing and know that there is much love coming from cyberspace:stillheart  Ya know, when I had my last miscarriage, what REALLY helped was watching cheesy funny movies, just something to have on in the background...I laid in bed for a few days watching movies on the computer (not my norm, AT ALL).  It did help get me through though.  Oh, sweet mama, take care of yourself.  

post #13 of 39
I am so sorry. My heart is with you.
post #14 of 39
I am so very sorry mama. My thoughts are with you.
post #15 of 39
Thread Starter 

My mother has flown in from wisconsin and we are receiving meals via meal train which is a big help as my mother has a lot of limitations physically. Having her here gives me a feeling of permission to be weak and sad and tired. It is so strange to think about how strong I had to be, how calm and controlled I *had* to be... it was a real emergency, and there was no space for grief. As the days pass and my strength returns its' strange that bit by bit, I realize how bad it was. i'm really struggling with the reality of the D&C. When i came to in teh recovery room after teh surgery, I was talking... I was telling the people around me that I was actually a Vampire Slayer and that I would recover really quickly because of my "slayer-strength" reality set in enough that I knew I wasn't actually a slayer and it makes me laugh to know I was saying something so darn silly... BUT it also breaks my heart, that in that moment, I was that out of it... i didn't even know or understand what had just happened... that my baby was GONE...that my baby was not inside me anymore. i didn't even know. It took a long time for me to "get it" because in the next hour or so, they tried to release me, to send me home and i passed out all over again... i was still totally messed up.   we discovered at that point my hemoglobin was at a 6.4 (usually about a 13) and it took to transfusions to get me up to an 8.0 *sigh* Even once I was home I wouldn't relax, falling asleep felt too much like passing out and when I sleep, my dreams are crazy vivid and I wake up with my heart pounding, covered in sweat with my head throbbing. 
The kids are all still processing the experience, my youngest (3) acting out in all kinds of ways... hitting, sobbing over little frustrations and being very, very mama clingy. My 7 year old son is probably the most calm, but i wonder how much is going on under the surface. He is pretty self centered and self contained and while he is sad to know that baby died, he seems to have moved on. My 9 year old daughter however is really having a hard time... not only with the deep disappointment over having another baby die (in our minds a sister) but also with her intense fear after realizing that i could have died... that mama *could* die. *sigh* She was the most loving to this baby of any of us... the most excited and most eager to know the person growing inside me... she is really hurting. 
i must admit that this experience has really shaken me... has me really seriously questioning if i am willing to EVER try again. which sucks. I haven't stopped wanting to love another child, to nurse another baby... to give my children another sibling, that feeling hasn't gone away, but I am really scared of the mere thought of getting pregnant any time soon. It will be months till my body recovers from this... probably around the time our little one was due to be born. i'm looking at 6 months of recovery before i'd even consider attempting another pregnancy. And to be honest, I don't know if i'm willing to risk this happening again. i hate to be dramatic, but IF I had started bleeding that way I did while I was home alone with my 3 year old... I could have died. If my husband hadn't been at my side and catching me as I passed out... moving me to the sofa, putting my feet up i wouldn't have *thought* to do that myself. I could have bled to death at home and my kids could have come home and found my body. That's a really terrifying thought and it makes me sick to my stomach... I have NEVER been scared of birth before. 3 homebirths, 2 were unassisted... joy-filled powerful experiences and now i'm scared silly. It's gonna take time for me to trust my body again. 
So, i'm grieving for the loss of my child, the impact on my children and husband and my own trust in my body. It's a lot to mourn and I'm doing my best to take it in small bites. This little song has been comforting...
http://zefrank.bandcamp.com/track/chillout?fb_action_ids=10202586177362074&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582


Banana
 

post #16 of 39
Oh Banana! My heart breaks for you! *hugs* I have more to say but I'm at work now but just know you're in my thoughts & I have faith you'll find your way (no time terribly soon, I'm afraid, give yourself time).
Love,
MA
post #17 of 39
Thread Starter 

And now it looks like the hospital has disposed of the *tissue* recovered during the D&C even though we checked a box requesting that the remains be released to the funeral home that we wrote in on the form...  we told the kids that we would be bringing home our baby's ashes and now that's not looking likely. I'm so angry and lost and defeated and exhausted. Can't get a clear answer from the hospital staff and it looks like another aspect of this experience that I will have to accept and move on. We have contacted the funeral home and asked them to "pretend" that an urn has the baby's ashes in it so that our daughter in particular can have some closure, even if we can't. *sigh* this means we have to buy an empty urn... and they aren't cheap.

Life is so complicated and weird.

Banana

post #18 of 39

I am so SO sorry to hear your horrendous story. I can't believe it and I am completely at a loss for words. you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers for healing, strength and eventually closure.

post #19 of 39

Oh, Banana!  I just happened to check in today and saw your post at the top of the threads.  I am SO sorry.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Thank you for sharing your story though.  I have yet passed any tissue (just spotting the last few+ weeks). I have a D&C scheduled for Wednesday morning.  I have been struggling with whether I should just wait it out longer or go through with the procedure...I'm okay with waiting, as I have already waited almost 3 weeks since I found out at 14 weeks that the baby stopped growing around 5/6 weeks, and am comfortable at home (all three of my babies have been born at home).  BUT, I want my milk back for my 22 mo old and I don't want something dramatic/urgent to happen while I'm home alone with my 3 children 5 yrs and younger.  I try not make my decisions out of fear, but your story helped me feel better about my upcoming D&C.  Thank you.  May you find peace and grace as your healing continues.  xoxo

post #20 of 39
brokenheart.gif Banana and AshleeS I am so sad to hear that your babies have passed. I hope you find comfort as you grieve and recover.
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