Banana and AshleeS, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. My thoughts are with you. You both seem so strong!
Goodbye Friends - Page 2
And now it looks like the hospital has disposed of the *tissue* recovered during the D&C even though we checked a box requesting that the remains be released to the funeral home that we wrote in on the form... we told the kids that we would be bringing home our baby's ashes and now that's not looking likely. I'm so angry and lost and defeated and exhausted. Can't get a clear answer from the hospital staff and it looks like another aspect of this experience that I will have to accept and move on. We have contacted the funeral home and asked them to "pretend" that an urn has the baby's ashes in it so that our daughter in particular can have some closure, even if we can't. *sigh* this means we have to buy an empty urn... and they aren't cheap.
Life is so complicated and weird.
There are other options for the urn. Honestly, my mom bought one at Ross once.
Something like this could be really special:
Today I went in for the follow-up appointment with the OB who performed the D&C. It was a hard day. I had to go alone as my hubby could not miss class and my mom stayed home to meet the kids getting off the bus. I knew i need to get as much rest as possible in advance of the activities of the day but i ended up sleeping in ridiculously late and had to rush out the door as fast as possible when i awoke. I got there late and they had me wait for a good 45 minutes while they worked me back into her schedule... Being late had stressed me out and i had moved as fast as possible which was exhausting. sitting in the waiting room watching the parade of big beautiful bellies and little bitty babies go by was very hard. When they moved me to an exam room the nurse told me to remove my pants and drape with the big paper towel... I started crying and asked why they needed to do a pelvic exam. she said it was to make sure there was no infection but that i could just sit down and wait instead. When the OB came in she was surprised and visibly annoyed that I wasn't prepped for the exam. Seeing her face triggered a big reaction for me and i started crying again. not big sobbing wails or anything, just leaking eyeballs. Her response was to ask me if i had a history of depression and suggest that she could prescribe an antidepressant... which upset me further because it suggested that she felt my reaction was unwarranted and unwanted. *sigh* I explained to her that i felt i was doing okay and she said that i didn't appear to be okay, but the way she said it was not caring or emphatic it was condescending as if she were a better judge of my emotional state than i was. I assured her that I have lots of support and am quite able to accept help if it is needed, that being there in the office was upsetting me beyond what i was experiencing at home... we then got on the subject of the *tissues* that i wanted released from the hospital to the funeral home. She felt the need to explain to me that a 9 week old fetus is not *solid*, or *sizeable*. I told her that i understood that during the process of the D&C that everything gets broken up and that there was not a "pretty little baby" and that the funeral home was prepared to handle the situation. she basically rolled her eyes at me and said that they would get me a form to sign... I reminded her that i had already signed that form and they should have followed my request without me having to call and request it again.
After the stupid 2 minute pelvic exam, I did not have to deal with her again. I was moved to her office and after a wait a social worker came in who was the nicest sweetest most emphatic human i interacted with the entire time. She assured me that she had personally gone to the pathology dept and had asked the staff there where my baby was being kept. She assured me that the staff there was aware that it was destined for a funeral home and that the paperwork would get to them tomorrow. She and i talked for about 45 minutes about everything and she encouraged me to write a letter to the hospital administration explaining the things i told her about. Namely i think that I should have been moved to Labor and Delivery in the women's center rather than staying for so long in the ER (about 10 hours) and then going directly to surgery prep. I am convinced that the staff that issued my release from the hospital had no concept of how much blood i had lost. When they settled me in a surgical wing following my last incidence of passing out, they again erred. The staff in that unit was accustomed to dealing with patients in recovery from surgery, but not patients who were grieving. No one ever offered sympathy to me or suggested bringing a chaplain or social worker into my care. The social worker i was talking to felt that if i had been in the L&D area she would have known about me, my baby and our situation while i was still in the building.
So, lesson learned is this... if a woman finds herself in need of emergency medical care during a miscarriage she should request admittance to Labor and Delivery if possible because the staff there is better prepared to deal with the unique needs of women during this event. There are procedures in place there that help get us access to compassionate care.
I am "looking forward" to knowing that my baby is in the hands of the funeral home and that we can move forward with picking out an urn and bringing *her* home to be with her family. We have plans for the weekend to have a family bonfire. The kids have some ideas about drawing pictures and writing letters that they can burn as part of the ceremony. We sill sing songs and have a place set up inside for putting the urn and other decorative stuff that is meaningful to us. I hope that by making an event out of saying goodbye we can all get some closure.
I am also finding that while i am still feeling tender about the sight of big beautiful bellies that my desire to get training as a doula has grown stronger. I am an online student working towards a degree in photography and intend to specialize in birth photography. i had come to the conclusion that adding doula training was needed as I am passionate about protecting the rights of women during their births... but this real life experience of what it is like to BE in a medical emergency has been eye opening. I really hope that I am able to serve as a buffer for other women to a system that doesn't not understand the emotional and spiritual ramifications of the birth process. I really hope that I am able to be with other women as they experience loss and can help them feel respected and honored as mothers. there is an organization called "now I lay me down to sleep" that connects families with photographers who are trained to document the precious brief window of time that some people get with their little ones. I saw that as a distant goal, but am now feeling driven to take steps towards being qualified to do that work. I trust that my current heartache regarding other women's bodies and babies will pass. I have too much passion about birth for this experience to take that away.. this only deepens it.
Again i thank you ladies for listening to my story and caring enough to reach out. I truly pray that each of you will have a joyous meeting with your little ones many months from now. Also, please consider including a doula in your birth team as they have a passion for the work and training to help smooth your journey. Let them help your special day be joyfilled, that's what they want to do.
Ugh, so sorry you had to go through that, after all you have already been through. Some people in the medical profession are very insensitive, and don't realize the impact of their actions and words on our well-being. I hope you find support among your family and that you don't ever have to go through something like that alone again. :( Hugs to you!
I am so sorry to hear this news... I am on here off and on and I'm just now seeing it. I'm glad you can share here. I had a m/c at 10 weeks last year after learning the baby died at 5 weeks... it's very very hard. And it does take time to heal. You will, and it's ok that it's not ok right now. I hate how cold some doctors can be. My thoughts are with you as you work toward healing... hugs.
Oh, banana! Thank you so much for taking the time to update us, you've been in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for the cold treatment you received, that doctor sounds awful. The hospital social workers are amazing, when I was in the hospital for placental issues 6 years ago, the social worker stayed with me and was just a beautiful comfort in the cold foreign hospital setting. I'm glad she was of some comfort to you. And what a blessing you will be to other mamas in need! <3
The worst of the grieving has passed I believe and I'm regaining my physical strength and my sense of fun. I attended a sweatlodge ceremony over the weekend that was very powerful and felt like I made some serious steps towards letting her go. We did end up getting 2 little urns to house the ashes from Orions' bonfire (the baby we lost 5 years ago) as well as Urscina's ashes that we got from the funeral home 2 weeks after the D&C. I had them distribute the bonfire ashes between the 2 urns and add the little bit of ash they had for us on the top of her urn... I didn't want to know how little came back to us, and this way they feel *even* and it's nice to have a physical way to honor both of our lost little ones. We ended up naming her Urscina Bernice... Urscina means "little bear" and refers to the constellation Ursa minor. Bernice is my maternal grandmother's name and Our baby was *born* via D&C on the 7th which is Gramma Bernice's birthday. she passed away 2 years ago and I've wanted to use her name if I had a girl for about 5 years now... so anyway, the blue butterfly urn is Urscina's and the black one is Orion's.
Today I have gotten my period. There is strangeness to it, a sadness and a reassurance as well. I definitely felt sad when it first began, thinking that I didn't want *THIS* I wanted my baby... but a calmness about it as well, there was a certain resigned kind of another thing-going-back-to "normal" feeling. And I need life to go back to normal, since I don't getting to be pregnant any longer, since that chapter has closed...
Pragmatically, I'm glad to see my cycle return so, I can be certain where I am in terms of fertility. I'm definitely not ready to try again... still wondering if I'm willing to ever put myself through this again... but my desire to have and hold another child hasn't disappeared, so... we'll see. I think I need to wait at least 6 months to let my body recover from the blood loss I experienced... my strength and energy is low still. Feeling generally kinda fat and tired. I think I should turn that around before I consider adding the burden of pregnancy to my body.
For Halloween, I dressed as Frida Kahlo, a famous woman artist from Mexico, who is well known for her self portraits dealing with body image. She experienced multiple miscarriages and I feel a certain connection to her. anyway I learned to braid my hair up on top of my head using a brightly colored scarf for my costume and tonight I have a bright red scarf braided into my hair... it's a way to celebrate the return of my cycle, to embrace the redness and be okay with it.
Thank you for reading my little updates... i miss you guys and missing being a part of the group. I mourn that loss, it's part of the whole of my grief... during my very first pregnancy about 10 years ago, I was really active in a mothering due date club and some of the friends I made then, remain in my life. I was hoping to make some of those connections again as we experienced sharing pregnancy. I have continued to read some of the postings, but find it makes me sad. Especially whenever I read that another Mama is experiencing loss. I wanted to be the last one... no more, no more... *snif*
I am selissa Leonard if you'd like to add me on Facebook. My profile pic is sepia and I wear glasses. I don't post to much about the pregnancy. I keep that stuff mostly here and o ravelry but I would certainly be happy to stay in touch if you are up to it
(Any of the rest of you can add me as well)
So how long does his feeling last, anyway? i'm trying to remember how long i mourned for my first lost baby, Orion... back 5 years ago. How long did I feel sad and angry? For how many months did I lay in bed and cry a wee bit at night after everyone else was asleep? I wonder, because this time... losing Urscina feels amplified almost... like I'm mourning EVERYTHING. Not just losing her, but all the things that would have gone along with being pregnant. I'm grieving losing the timing of it... there was window of opportunity and that window has closed. I'm mourning the loss of being a pregnant woman in certain settings around certain people and loved ones who I know would have engaged in loving on me and the baby is a ceremonial, respectful, heartfelt and eager way... instead I feel withdrawn from those very people and settings. Friends I wanted to see holding my child while she slept...that won't get to. I miss Orion, all over again and I had come to pretty *comfortable* place with his loss. It hurts allover again and doubles my worry that if I tried again that it would happen again. That I'm tiptoeing into "there's something wrong" territory.
How long does this last? I can't remember... but this feels like *forever* is the answer.
i'm sorry to be a downer... but there's something about this space, where I feel like I can say these things, because you don't judge me for it. My bigger circle of people want me to be okay... they want to know that i'm over it, so they can stop worrying about me. And because they love me and want me to be happy... but there's something different about talking to the women who have been here , have felt this loss and are carrying life within them right now. I should be doing and feeling the things you are feeling right now.. this post should be making me cry because i'm a hormonal wrecking ball of 2nd trimester glory. I can tell you that it still really, really hurts, because you have right under your skin, what I have lost.
thank you for giving me this space.
oh banana, you write so beautifully, i wish i could just sweep you into my arms we could hug and cry together. I wish I could grow the spark in my belly till it was a billowing flame that could then spare some of itself for your sake.
I wish I could answer your question. My first mc I didn't even know i was pregnant until i had the loss, a baby would have been bad at the time, but i still felt the loss for weeks, maybe months.
Every baby I saw was a baby that was not mine. my baby that was already gone and would never be again. I'd never felt that so tangibly
With my last mc, I never really got to fully morn that baby. I mc two days after I even found out I was pregnant. We were just starting to get adjusted and excited about the idea and I lost her. Then I immediatly got pregnant again, my symptoms from the first pregnancy had only faded for a couple weeks...in my head it's almost like i've just been pregnant all along.
all the ways are normal and ok my sweet lady. I know people want you to be ok, and you will be in your own time, and in your own way. in the mean time, it's ok to not be ok.
much love hon