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post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 


Edited by lalloronita - 11/2/13 at 10:20am
post #2 of 41

I don't know that I have any suggestions. This sounds like an agonizing decision. I feel for you. This pregnancy is my third and unplanned and it is logistically throwing my life for a loop. I waiver between excitement for the child I know I will love and sadness over the life that I thought was to be. I hope that you can find the clarity and peace you seek for this decision. 

post #3 of 41
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Big hugs to you.

I don't know if my advice is going to be any good. I supported myself for a long time and made pretty decent money as a single gal with no degree. However, in my life as a mother I have been fully supported by my husband. I don't have any experience taking care of myself plus others financially.

I don't have any objection to abortion or adoption morally, so what I am about to say is not swayed by those ideals. Just based on what you are saying, it sounds like you would not be able to live with those choices. That's okay. It doesn't make you selfish. It's okay to want to keep this child. Maybe you should start from there and just start looking at options for how to make this work.

You have older children that can help with the baby at least a little bit. Have you looked into what government assistance might be available to you? Don't feel guilty about accepting it if you need to. Hell, you already paid for it anyway! That's what it's there for. There may be some help you can get to get you through school and to keep food on the table. Just a thought.

Have you told your ex about this? He should be able to help in some way as well. Does he have family nearby?

Just some things to think about. I hope you are able to find some clarity as well. Please keep us updated. <3
post #4 of 41
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to offer you support from the bottom of my heart.

My circumstances are not like yours, and I can't offer you advice, but my unplanned pregnancy baby is now 7 months old and I do understand a bit of how you feel. I considered abortion, but couldn't bring myself to do so seriously. Deep down I knew I wanted my child.

Do you have anyone close to you that you can talk to about this?

If the answer is no, and you want to talk, pm me.
post #5 of 41

Sometimes when we're entering something new, the present seems so much better and safer because we know exactly what it is like.  You KNOW what you are leaving behind when you have the baby (schooling, greater financial stability, a good relationship between the three children and you, etc.), but you don't know yet what you'll be gaining.  It's a leap of faith to move forward into the unknown.


Maybe try to think of some of the good things that might come out of this:  the last child you always hoped for, that you may not have otherwise had if you were just leaving a relationship and not even close to starting a new one, greater motivation to strive for financial independence via school or another job, or even motivation to build a support network of friends or others who can help you through this difficult time, what else?  


You know that the infant/toddler years are temporary, and can draw on this wisdom from your experience of your other children.  You may have to put school or a larger house on hold for a few years, but hopefully once they are in preschool or kindergarten you will find more time for those pursuits, meaning it's not FOREVER even if it hurts to put those things on hold for now.


If you're like me, you've also realized that babies do not need as much STUFF as you once thought they did.  I'm pg with baby #3 and I do not intend to buy 75% of the stuff I had in the house when I had the other two kids (we weren't planning on having more and got rid of all our baby stuff).  So that might help simplify things for you.


Maybe you can find a local La Leche League meeting to go to while you're pregnant, to share concerns and build a support network of women who can support you emotionally once the baby comes.  My best friends were made through La Leche League.


You have several months to prepare for what's to come, you've done it 3 other times and there aren't as many surprises with respect to pregnancy/birth/parenting.  You've already learned that where there's a will there's a way, and found the strength to start over after your divorce.


Just try to figure out what you need (emotionally, financially, physically) to make this work, and spend the next several months developing a plan for filling those needs.  



post #6 of 41

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough circumstance. It's not entirely selfish to want to keep this baby, in many ways it's selfless as only a mother can be. This is your child you're carrying, it's already there and relies on you right now, and you are looking out for him or her. You are strong, you can and will move mountains for all your children. I agree you might have to put school on hold to earn a living, or go part time if you can schedule the childcare and tuition isn't an obstacle. That's not so unthinkable really. And ask around for baby gear you don't have, every baby I had people overwhelmed me with hand-me-downs. There was always stuff I thought I needed, never got, I put it off and put it off then the baby outgrew that phase where it would have been useful. People have had babies since the dawn of humanity and often had next to nothing yet thrived. To build a support network ask around here at the finding your tribe forum, or join LLL, or join a church (UU if you aren't into anything fundamentalist or religiously specific). I think if you let the need be known and be open to help many women around would love to be there for you.

post #7 of 41

I have also found myself in a situation where I ended up pregnant, and lacked the funds and support to have another child.  It wasn't that I didn't want another child, just at that time I could barely put food in my current DD's mouth, let alone provide for a second.  I did end up terminating that pregnancy, and though I don't regret it, it was a very hard thing to do.  In fact, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. 


I wont say that because that is how I handled my situation , that you should then do the same. Every woman and every situation is different.  I think you know your situation better than anyone, and I think you know what you are going to do. 


Because of that situation though, it made me determined to get my life in order. I wanted another baby, and though at the time I was able to care for another child, I was determined to get to a place where I could.  I got my money situation figured out, bought a nice three bedroom home, and now I am pregnant again. This time 100% planned.


It boils down to this...What is best for you and your kids, physically and emotionally? Only you can give the answer.  I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you, because I know what a difficult thing it is to try and decided that.


I have a question though. If you knew that at a later point (say after you get your degree) that you would have a chance to have another child, would you terminate this pregnancy?

post #8 of 41
Thread Starter 

I'm moved to tears by all of your thoughtful, caring responses. Thank you all for your kind words. I have a lot of thinking to do and a very difficult decision to make, but at least now I don't feel so alone. You've given me a supportive place to vent, and some good words of advice. Thank you again.

post #9 of 41

I don't think there's anything I can add that these wonderful people before me haven't, but I wanted to send my good thoughts. More importantly I wanted to say that I was a single mama at 18 and have experience as a parent student, and a lot of knowledge in what public assistance is available and I would be happy to answer any questions or help, if I could.

post #10 of 41
Thread Starter 

I'm currently getting SNAP benefits for my kids. I wonder if I can get WIC? I also don't know what to do about health insurance or if I qualify for Medicaid. Any information at all would be helpful. Thanks again so very much to all.

post #11 of 41

If I had to hazard a guess I would bet that you could get on Medicaid. All they can say is no, so it cant hurt to apply. You will need all your income info (child-support, etc) and a Doctors note proving your pregnant. Plus, the usual SS card, drivers license, proof of address and what not.  Where I am, if you have food stamps or Medicaid you automatically qualify for WIC.

post #12 of 41
I wonder why u wouldn't use a form of reliable birth control which is over 99.9% effective? That being said, women are strong and it's our natural instinct to take care of what's ours. You will undoubtably figure this out. Join support groups, network through your children's friends moms. Count on neighbors! There's always a way to provide for your kids. Even if you have to sacrifice all your free time and get two jobs! Make it work. And honestly you should consider adoption. Your baby's future should be more important then your own feelings.
post #13 of 41
Infmer77, this isnt a discussion about birth control, nor do i think it's helpful to the original poster to bring it up. She also already said that adoption isn't going to work for her and asked that we avoid the topic. It's a very personal decision that doesn't need the word "should" looming over it. That being said, I agree with you that there are lots of ways to support your family. OP, I like what you said about going from 2-3 and how you somehow made it work. There have been lots of great suggestions for resources, and I know that with time and reflection you will find the decision that is best for you, your family, and your baby. Big hugs to you as you work through this! hug2.gif
post #14 of 41
Infmer77, your comment about using her not using birth control (which you should not assume is the case) was not helpful here.
post #15 of 41
Thread Starter 

Thanks again for the caring responses. I appreciate that the majority of you have been nonjudgmental as I really need that at this incredibly difficult time. I am still considering my options and processing my emotions so that I can make what I feel is the best decision. This is one of the hardest things, if not THE hardest thing, I've ever had to do.

post #16 of 41

(((((HUGS)))))  I am in similar shoes to you - unexpectedly pregnant with my 4th child and my BF and I had just decided to be more on a friend level than a significant others level.  I am 39 and have wanted another baby for years. Never expecting that I would have another, I am very pleased with this chance even though financially, people will think I am insane.  I have been divorced for two years and I know what it is like to have a completely empty bank account at the end of every month.


I am sure you qualify for WIC.  The income limits for a family of 5 are over $50,000 a year. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/howtoapply/incomeguidelines.htm  And your and the baby inside you do count as 2 for WIC income guidelines. You would get WIC for you as well as your youngest child.  Believe me, the amount of milk you will get is a HUGE help (I get over 4 gallons a month just based on being pregnant as I don't have any other children in the home under 5 yrs old.)


Also, check out Medicaid and food stamps.  It can be very hard to apply for government support sometimes but it is well worth it to know that you will be able to put food in your children's mouths.  Apply for them, they can take a lot of stress off your shoulders.


I second joining a church, LLL or other support network.  They will support your children as well as yourself.


I am living in a small 2 BR 1/2 bath apartment.  (My oldest child is out of the house now so it is only me and my two younger sons living here now.) Living quarters are tight but my boys share a room and the new baby will be in my room for a while, no need for a third bedroom for a while.  I plan to move to a 3 BR home in about a year and am getting my finances in order to be able to make that happen.  I don't plan to buy a lot of equipment for the new baby.  So much is really nice to have but not necessary.  I will be checking out thrift shops and craigs list over the coming months so hope I won't be out of pocket by too much.


My heart aches for you.  You said you would ache forever for the child if you gave it up.  I am afraid that you will ache forever for the child if you have an abortion as well.  This is in no way a slight on women who do make that choice, it just sounds from your post that you love and want this baby already.  Some of the best decisions we can make are based on our hearts not on what may or may not be logical.

post #17 of 41
Thread Starter 



Edited by lalloronita - 11/2/13 at 10:21am
post #18 of 41
It's not judgement I'm passing I'm truly confused as to why there are so many unplanned pregnancies when there are so many forms of super reliable bc? It's more like I'm posing a question because iam truly confused that's all, no need to get all offended, the question is legit.
post #19 of 41
Thread Starter 
You're being presumptuous and judgmental. You don't know me and you don't know the circumstances under which I got pregnant. I'd like to respectfully ask that you stop posting here. You're being very unhelpful.
post #20 of 41
Originally Posted by infmer77 View Post

It's not judgement I'm passing I'm truly confused as to why there are so many unplanned pregnancies when there are so many forms of super reliable bc? It's more like I'm posing a question because iam truly confused that's all, no need to get all offended, the question is legit.

If you are genuinely confused as to why unplanned pregnancies happen, which to be honest, I find to be a disingenuous claim, perhaps explore that elsewhere, in another thread.
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