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post #21 of 41
Originally Posted by Dia View Post

If you are genuinely confused as to why unplanned pregnancies happen, which to be honest, I find to be a disingenuous claim, perhaps explore that elsewhere, in another thread.

post #22 of 41

Maybe infmer77 is just uneducated, Ladies, and does not realize how . . . she sounds.


Infmer77, short of getting tubes tied or your partner having a vasectomy, no birth control is 100% effective, and even then, there are those whose surgical procedures are not effective.  As someone who has gotten pregnant (in the past, not this time) while taking birth control pills correctly, I can say any sexual relationship between males and females of child bearing age, runs the risk of pregnancy.  When a form of birth control is, as you say 99.9% effective, that means that one out of every thousand women will get pregnant using that form every year.  And if you choose to not subject your body to foreign hormones, your birth control options effectiveness is drastically reduced.


OP, sorry your thread got hijacked.  Don't worry about doing what is best for everybody.  Concentrate on what is best for you.  Your children will deal perfectly well, whatever you choose and you and your children take precedence.  What anybody else thinks is up to them and is not something you need to worry about.

post #23 of 41

Medicaid benefits have been expanded in many states and the income cutoffs are really high for pregnant women in our state. You would just need to google your state to find the office closest to you.


My understanding right now is that WIC offices are not able to take on any new clients, but hopefully that will change soon.


If you need stuff for the baby feel free to pm me. I can definitely get you some clothes and can probably pass along some cloth diapers.

post #24 of 41
Thread Starter 
You're all so kind. Thank you. Fortunately, my laziness after baby #3 might pay off, I guess, because I still have cloth diapers in a box that I never got around to selling. I might even have a few clothes, though I doubt it. Sadly, my ex husband sold my baby hawk and my wrap sling. Not much else I need besides clothes. No crib, no bottles, no fancy baby swing. Anything like that I might need I can get on Craigslist.

I am really leaning hard toward trying to make this work, as you can probably see. It's unfortunate that I won't have much support, but you're right about joining lll and possibly even a church (I'm an atheist, though. Maybe a UU church).

I'm just thinking out loud here, I guess. Thanks to all for reading and for responding.
post #25 of 41

On the WIC, it depends on what state you are in.  Some states are still accepting applications, though if the government shutdown does not end soon, more will be effected.  I applied last week and walked out with checks in hand.  It has really helped.

post #26 of 41
post #27 of 41

Is there a local crisis pregnancy center in your area? If there is I would highly recommend asking them for help. I have several friends who volunteer at one, and at least the one in our area is very much committed to loving and supporting women who want to keep their babies but are having a hard time figuring out how to make it work financially or for whatever reason. It sounds from your original post that keeping this baby is what you'd really like to do if you can make it work. They might be able to give you not just moral support but also some practical assistance and direct you to some specific programs that might be available in your area. I know some of the services the one in our county offers are a free "store" for pregnant moms for baby supplies, help with prenatal care if you're uninsured, childcare during doctor appointments and volunteers to help with things after the birth. Sometimes there are things available that people just aren't aware of because they're small and local. If you can't find a crisis pregnancy center then maybe see if you can find some help through a local church? Regardless of your own religious affiliation or lack thereof, people are usually willing to help or at least direct you to an organization that can. Lots of hugs to you, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can find the help you need for this baby to be a joy to you.

post #28 of 41

Here is a list of pregnancy crises centers. In my area there is a great Catholic center. They support women for years after an unplanned pregnancy. Please know that I am NOT trying to convert you or sway your decision one way or another. It doesn't sound like you want an abortion, so I'm just giving you other options.
post #29 of 41

I am very anti crisis pregnancy center for women who are looking at all of their options, but it really sounds like you want to carry to term and parent this child, so they could be a fabulous resource for you. 


I wish you the best- people will adapt, really. It will be ok- do what you feel is right without worrying about everybody else. 

post #30 of 41
Thread Starter 



Edited by lalloronita - 11/2/13 at 10:22am
post #31 of 41
I'm sorry, OP.

Please don't let him pressure you into ending the pregnancy if it's not what YOU want to do.
post #32 of 41

I was able to terminate a pregnancy when I was fairly young and had not been pregnant without major emotional turmoil.  There were extenuating circumstances that made the decision easier, but I think it would be a harder decision for me to make now as I have my children, and have been through the whole process. 

I am happy to talk to you more about it, I have made different decisions at different points in my life, none of them have been easy choices. But they have all been the right choice for me at that moment in my life.  I don't regret the past, but as a 35 year old woman, I would make very different decisions in similar situations now. 

post #33 of 41
This is a difficult position for a man to be in, but I have to say that I really feel like it is ultimately your decision. If he wants, would you be okay with him terminating his rights as the father? I know it could be harder without his support but if you make a decision that you regret you will be the one having to deal with that regret the most.

Sending hugs!!
post #34 of 41
Originally Posted by lalloronita View Post

I'm currently getting SNAP benefits for my kids. I wonder if I can get WIC? I also don't know what to do about health insurance or if I qualify for Medicaid. Any information at all would be helpful. Thanks again so very much to all.

If you get SNAP you should qualify for Medicaid. Typically medicaid income guidelines are higher than those for SNAP, especially for kids and pregnant women. I know at one point our kids qualified for Medicaid but not SNAP. And WIC income cut-offs are really high, so that should be no problem. 


I personally don't think you need to quit school. I think you can continue to go as long as your are able. You will need to take some time off for the baby's birth and your recovery. I would take to the non-traditional student rep at the student services center of your campus and see what your options are. Perhaps you can take mostly online courses the semester your baby is due? If you just found it, it may be that your due date is in the summer? That would be ideal and then you can start up again Fall Semester. As far as being able to care for yourself, with an increased family size your amount of student and govt aid/assistance should go up, you can qualify for child care help as well through the state. I was a single mom going to school with kids younger than school age and I made it work. I got all the assistance I could because that is what it is there for! To help someone like me get on my feet and self-sufficient. With my student aid and government assistance I was able to rent a 3 bedroom apt (I did not have housing but it was slightly income subsidized complex) buy food and clothing, put fuel in my car, and pay for child care while I went to school mornings and worked afternoons at my son's school. I had no family nearby either, and my church friends pretty much bailed on me when I got divorced. It was hard sometimes, but totally doable. Oh, and as a single mom head of household I would get a nice chunky tax refund and I used it to buy a used minivan. 


As far as your ex, I am sorry he is not supportive. Guys do have a different way of looking at things and it can come off as uncaring. Hopefully he will come around. Regardless, he will be expected to support your baby and if he is basically a good successful person, you can count on some financial support from him as well. He will need to pay child support and also help pay for the child's day care expenses. Whether he likes it or not, the state will expect him to. If he is a really disagreeable person and you think he will just be a thorn in your side I would consider as a pp suggested, allowing him to terminate rights. Sometimes, depending on the person, the money is just not worth it. 


Lastly, I would find someone to talk to on a regular basis, to just vent or help you problem solve. Check and see if your school student services offers counseling. Most do and its free! I found mine really understanding, validating, and helpful and she got me through a really rough patch and helped me process my options and make some really difficult decisions. 

post #35 of 41
Wow...some amazing ladies in this thread!

OP, I am so sorry you are in this position. There is no easy answer. I will say, however, that it is good to remember that the baby/toddler years DO pass and children aren't children forever. I terminated a pregnancy, but for other reasons besides financial. I don't regret it but think I would have if it was purely financial. That said, I think you will find that we will all support you no matter what you do. This isn't easy at all and you need to do what's best for you and your family.
post #36 of 41
Thread Starter 

You're all so wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and for the resources. I really appreciate it.

post #37 of 41

I`m sorry you are in a tough situation. I am very pro-life so I`m holding my breath here hoping that you will choose life for that little child inside of you.


I would like to comment on your older children. Our family of 5 lives in a very small place so nobody has his/her own room. That said, when I ask my kids if they want another sibling they immediately say yes. Your children will probably adjust to the new addition remarkably well and they will be a huge help. My son is 7 and he helps out a lot with the toddler.


post #38 of 41
Don't end a fetus' life to try to save a relationship tho: the termination will likely change how you see your BF & you may want to end the relationship anyway. Women who are pressured into *any* reproductive choice deal with mountains of resentment, IMO.

More than anything, this is your body. You are the one who will have to go through a medical experience regarding this pregnancy. <3
post #39 of 41

So many wonderful responses here and not much I can add to. I can relate to the shock. I found out about my first pregnancy days after I broke up with DP. He was in a different country and I was alone, truly alone (I came to Germany to study and have no family here!). He was very unhappy at first to say the least but it all worked out in the end.  Really, finding out what support is out there is a great idea to give you options. What someone here already is, the turmoil is coming from comparing a clear and well established situation with a dark unknown, and that is just scary.


I've googled a bit and usually universities offer financial aid for students for with children in daycare. Maybe you can look into that?


And FWIW about needing a bigger place, my parents were well-to-do and I still shared a room with my 2 sisters until I was 13. Where I come from it's not the norm that every child gets his own room. My grandparents had 5 girls sleeping in the same room. And you know what? They/we were happy kids. Children need so little to be genuinely happy: food, love and a caring adult in charge. 

post #40 of 41
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your comment. I'm still not completely sure. I did tell the father that I don't want an abortion, which went about as badly as I had imagined it would. I just can't stop thinking about how incredibly hard it will be to have a baby and raise four kids alone. I'm absolutely terrified. I still can't convince myself that abortion is an appropriate alternative for me, though. I feel so trapped, and the clock is ticking big time.
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