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Dealings about the birth mom

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Is it normal of me to feel a little jealous that my step son is talking ty his mom?
The mom lives out of the state and hardly calls my step son and when she does my step son's attitude changes completely.
I'm the one that is there for him 100% and she only comes around to disrupt his life. I just want to know if my feelings are out of place or it normal?
post #2 of 7

Without knowing your circumstances completely, I would assume that all the adults in his life have the best intentions for him. Having several adults advocating for your step son and the best for him is good for him.

post #3 of 7
Thread Starter 
His mom left him when he was two and rarely has communication with him. I haven't been in his life for very long it's almost 4 years since I showed up in the picture, but we have spent a lot of time together and with his dad traveling a lot lately it has brought us closer.
post #4 of 7
How old us your step son? I can understand being a little jealous, but in the long run, he will recognize who the mother figure in his life has been. It must be very difficult to feel on his end, his bio mother coming in and out of his life. My step son has the same circumstance. She abandoned him as an infant but pops up about once a year to play mom for a day or two. He is 12 though and currently doesn't treat me any different. I am waiting for it to happen tho. But you have to not make it about you. Obviously if he is being rude of disrespectful I would address/confront that specific behavior with him but in the context of "I imagine it feels kind of confusing for your mother to pop in and out like she does but I want you to know that I love you and don't need you to take it out on me (insert specific behavior). I'm here for you. But it hurts MY feelings to be treated this way."
post #5 of 7

I know the feeling to an extent. Only I am the the bio parent jealous of the other one. I am noticing I am starting to develop a bit of unhealthy resentment to bio dad. He disappears for months then swoops in and is the "fun" parent for four hours and takes him out to chucky cheese and game stop. Then our son doesn't hear from him for 3 days even though his dad went months not even speaking to him. Really?? Yet here I am limiting in take of shitty food, unnecessary games, home schooling him, paying medical bills etc. It sucks.

 

I think it's okay to feel this way as long as steps are taken toward not feeling that way and you don't let your feelings interfere with their relationship. Which is my intention in my situation

post #6 of 7

I think my husband feels a little... not jealous, exactly, but definitely under appreciated when the kids get excited about seeing their birth dad. I tell him this, to try and see it from the kids perspective... they like seeing their dad, but there's also a ton of anxiety that goes along with a visit. They know they can't hold his attention for long and they are afraid that if they make any wrong move he will disappear again for who knows how long? They HAVE to stroke his ego constantly if they want to maintain a relationship with him. He doesn't get the benefit of really knowing them. As parents, we all complain about the challenges, but the depth of your relationship is so much more significant for all of that. Think of the comfort you get from your relationships where you can just relax and be yourself, where you can have faults and even be loved for them... fairweather parents DON'T have that. They have something akin to the half-crazed adoration a teenager might display for a rock star. It's not real. And it's temporary! Sooner or later, kids will realize they aren't getting a heck of a lot for all that energy they're investing... my kids are just 9 and nearly 12 and  I've already heard rumblings of this from time to time. 

post #7 of 7
Oh, it's TOTALLY normal to feel this way, from all sides of the coin. I know my husband has a really hard time when the kids see their bio dad. My husband and I have full custody and do everything for the kids and they don't see it at all, but it only takes ONE short visit with bio dad for him to be a hero in their eyes.

It really rang home how much it bothers him the other day, when our daughter told him "I love you and dad the same amount." I saw this as a GOOD thing, but he was really hurt by it because he is their father 100% of the time, whereas bio dad actually abandoned them, and now only pops in and out when it's convenient to be a parent.

It's totally normal to get these stabs of jealousy. Parent or step-parent, the child is still your child, and it's hard to "share" that priveledge at times. The most important thing is to not show the child that it bothers you. Hard to help feeling that way, but easy to keep it from being the child's burden.
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