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How to get over an inappropriate crush?

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 

Hi mamas - I'm posting this under an alias to protect my privacy. I have developed a really bad crush on someone I don't know very well but see regularly. I'm married with 3 kids, he's married, no kids, so neither of us is even remotely available. It would be a lot easier for me to get over it, if it weren't for the fact that the attraction seems to be mutual. I would really like to stop thinking about this man all day long. I feel like a 13-year-old girl (and also like a complete fool). How do I move past this?? helllpppp...

post #2 of 33

Can you avoid seeing him? He must have bad parts of his personality, concentrate on those. Hmmm.... What else? Anyone?

post #3 of 33
Thread Starter 

Not seeing him isn't an option. If I knew him better I would know all those undesirable personality traits! But right now there's nothing negative I can focus on. Maybe I should just imagine up some disgusting personal habits and think about those (it's not like I'm ever going to know for sure anyways, right?)

post #4 of 33

Part of what's hard about this is that he may not have the various aspects that you can usually use to squash a crush when you're younger. I think I can speak for many of us when I say a lot of my adolescent crushes were rather, shall we say, immature. But you know this guy is mature and marriageable... because he IS married! *facepalm*. I second trying to avoid him if you can. Do not let yourself dwell on stuff that reminds you of him--find a way to mentally change the subject, an "I am not going to think about X right now, I am going to think about (insert other subject)". I second trying to find something else to focus on about him that isn't quite to your liking. How about the fact that he's putting some sort of energy out to YOU when you are both taken? I don't think you would be feeling this way if there was nothing coming from him. I have been in this scenario, and I've also had plenty of male friends where there was absolutely nothing inappropriate. I think if the guy is not looking for anything from me there is no energy for me to hook into... so it is a two-way street. He should be restraining himself, too. 

 

Also, if you don't think your husband would flip out, it might be worth telling him (you may be able to spare him some details) and have him help you come up with a plan and keep you accountable. If he sees you with this guy and is reasonably perceptive he may already have figured it out anyway. 

post #5 of 33
Thread Starter 

All good advice, erigeron, thank you! I agree that if there had never been anything flirtatious coming from him that I probably would have just noticed that he was very good-looking and left it at that. I have tried my best this past week to keep our conversations strictly business, no personal chit-chat. It hasn't helped much, yet.

 

I don't really want to tell my husband or anyone else in real life about this, I'm terribly embarrassed as it is, and I think his feelings would be hurt. My husband is not the most perceptive guy to begin with about this stuff, and he's never around when I have to see the Crush. I guess if I thought there was any chance that something might actually happen then we would have to talk about it. But there's not, and I really just want this guy to stop infecting my brain!

post #6 of 33

How about just enjoying it? It may pass on its own, so why not just enjoy the spark -- you can't help it if you are attracted to someone and maybe he is to you- and it could be something fun that makes you feel good!! Just figure out what your boundaries are and don't go past them--- it is not bad if it makes you happy.

 As long as you are not actually kissing or being intimate with him, a little harmless flirting is not a bad thing. You don't need anyone else to know about it! Just enjoy that someone makes you feel that way- having a crush can be fun!


Edited by Snapdragon - 10/23/13 at 7:16pm
post #7 of 33
I don't think it's a good idea to just enjoy it. How do you know nothing could happen? He is interested. You are interested. Just because you're both married doesn't make you immune. If it did there would be a lot fewer affairs.

I agree with PPs that being attracted to other people does sometimes happen but I think it is dangerous when the attraction is mutual and subtly acknowledged. These things almost always start very, very slowly. Most people don't go from "he's cute" to in bed in 10 seconds. It is tiny subtle steps so that at each stage you can justify and get comfortable before pushing the next boundary. "It's fine, it's just a little crush." "A little bit of flirting is harmless." "It's just a couple of text messages, everyone texts their friends." "It's only coffee. We're out in public, how is that wrong?!" And on it goes.

I'm not blaming or criticising you but I think you have the first foot on a slippery slope and now is the only time you can get off safely. If your husband would be hurt then it's not ok.

Is there someone you can tell IRL who will be kind but not encourage you in any way? IME, well-meaning friends can do untold damage by helping to justify the relationship. A minister or minister's wife perhaps? Or just a good friend who you are 100% sure wont be giggly and excited about it with you.

What are the circumstances in which you have to see him? Can you be very busy and focused on your kids or his wife or your husband on those occasions? Resist the urge to exchange meaningful glances. As PPs have said, consciously avoid indulging in thoughts or fantasies (however G rated). Picture him wiping his bottom or picking his nose or shouting at his wife. You know for sure he does the first two and, if he's been married long enough, he's probably done the third at least once. And alternate those with imaging telling your kids why you don't live with them anymore.

Be kind to yourself but be firm as well. You can do the right thing here :-)
post #8 of 33

I guess. I mean, I would feel sad if my dh had a crush on someone else and I would feel weird if I had a crush on someone other than my dh-- so maybe I don't stand by my own advice the more I think about it. The thing is, I have no idea what OP's relationship is with her dh. Bu yeah, marriage is sacred and I do personally like monogamy. hmmm I am reconsidering my previous post-! I guess I just was thinking if it was a minor thing and didno one any harm then maybe it is not too bad? I guess there are so many different levels it could be interpreted on. If it is just that he is a attractive guy and makes her feel excitedand happy, I guess that is what I meant- then that is just fun! If it interferes with an otherwise good marriage between OP and her dh then it is a different story.  If she is not happy with her dh and this is someone who is giving her renewed passion and joy, then maybe it is ok. I guess it really depends on the situation. I was a bit blasé in m original post by not clarifying all that. I personally do value the sacredness of marriage so hope I did not give the wrong impression.

post #9 of 33
I love crushes! I get a bad one every couple of years. You just have to ride it out. But I take that crush-y energy back to my own marriage bed. Way fun for both of us
post #10 of 33

Yeah, I'm on the ride-it-out and enjoy it for a bit bandwagon. Unless you really are afraid by doing so you will do something you regret. 

post #11 of 33
Not me! I hate feeling that way. It discombobulates my head and makes it feel weird between me and my husband, since usually I can tell him anything that should happen to come into my head. I've had a crush on someone else twice since we were married. Both times he's known before I said anything, and though he hasn't been mad, I don't think it's pleasant for him either. And since it was someone I knew semi-well, that made it harder to just transfer the energy to my husband. If I saw a cute guy at the library, had a fantasy, and went home and acted that out with my husband, that would be one thing. But way past that, it just gets ucky.
post #12 of 33

I am also on the ride-it-out-and-enjoy-it bandwagon.

 

However, I sense you feel a little beyond that - or you probably would not be posting.

 

I would make very firm guidelines with myself, and I would start with "no being alone with him."  

 

Also, and I mean this with kindness, I do not completely buy that you can't avoid this other person.  If he is a friend or in-law of some sort you can distance yourself somewhat.  Be very busy, and get a needed mental break.  If it is someone you work with, that might be a bit tougher   - but still, very little is worth jeopardizing your marriage.  If you cannot get these feelings under control or feel you are on a slippery slope, I suggest you request a transfer or update your resume.  Extreme, yes, but so is infidelity.  

post #13 of 33
Thread Starter 
Thanks all. I've been dealing with sick kids for the past few days so haven't had a chance to check back on this thread. I find it interesting that the range of opinions here echoes what is going on in my head - from "just enjoy it" to " get this guy out of my life and never see him again". We had been texting too much, and that has lessened this past week so I think there has been some realization on both of our parts that we had crossed a line of some sort. I've working on focusing my mental energy on how fortunate I am with my marriage and family. Another mental trick that seems to help when I find myself thinking about him is to remind myself what an unlikely object I am for a young attractive man to be interested in. Maybe not the greatest for my self-esteem right now but it does seem to help.
post #14 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by blushing View Post

Thanks all. I've been dealing with sick kids for the past few days so haven't had a chance to check back on this thread. I find it interesting that the range of opinions here echoes what is going on in my head - from "just enjoy it" to " get this guy out of my life and never see him again". We had been texting too much, and that has lessened this past week so I think there has been some realization on both of our parts that we had crossed a line of some sort. I've working on focusing my mental energy on how fortunate I am with my marriage and family. Another mental trick that seems to help when I find myself thinking about him is to remind myself what an unlikely object I am for a young attractive man to be interested in. Maybe not the greatest for my self-esteem right now but it does seem to help.

I agree that the texting is crossing a line, if its just personal (as in you don't work w/ him or have some other reason to be texting).  I'm glad you're finding ways to help yourself.  I don't think it's unusual to have a crush; what you do w/ it is the hard part.

 

Best wishes,

Sus

post #15 of 33
I think stopping the texting is a very good idea. I would suggest that you don't just reduce it but stop it completely and delete his number from your phone. I didn't gather from your first post that things had gone this far so I am revising the statement from my first reply - I think you have both feet on a slippery slope and I think you need to take some very firm steps off it.

If telling yourself you are an unlikely object of his attraction is working for you then fine. I would however caution you against sharing this view with him and giving him an opening to flatter you with all the reasons why he does find you attractive.

You mentioned in your earlier post that you didn't know any of his negative characteristics to use as a deterrent. Here is one for you: he is prepared to deceive his wife either by omission (not telling her about texting with you) or commission (actively hiding his texting with you).

I know I am sounding like a heavy in this thread but I can honestly see several red flags that make me think in a month or so your update will be "help! I'm having an emotional affair". Although, TBH, I think there is a good chance you're already having one. Is this man worth sacrificing your family for? If you need to feel good about yourself, I promise you there are other, longer-lasting, ways of doing it.

Please do not read any of this as a condemnation or criticism of you. It is not intended that way. I just think this is way more serious than a "harmless little crush".
post #16 of 33
Thread Starter 
I can't picture coming out and telling this guy that I'm an unworthy object of his desire, since we've never actually confessed any attraction in the first place! It's more of a reminder to myself of how I should be behaving around him.
I looked up what constitutes an emotional affair and we both had been doing several of the behaviors. But over the past week it's really stopped so I think I'm past the worst of this. I'm way past the enjoying it stage - this is torture greensad.gif There's the rational part of me that knows it's ridiculous and then there's this primal part of my brain that doesn't seem to be able to just let it go. The next time I have to see him is Wednesday, so I am steeling myself. I really appreciate everyone's input, tough love and all.
post #17 of 33

Which part of it specifically is hard for you, there are a few aspects.

Is it hard in regards to your husband and feeling guilty? Or is it hard in regards to your feelings about the crush guy and if so why?

You mentioned that you feel unworthy of him having a crush on you. Is it that feeling that is hard for you?

 

 I just reread the OP and guess I didn't realize originally that he is married too.

post #18 of 33

Imagine your favorite cake with all your favorite toppings on it. Then try to NOT focus on the cake. Try as hard as you may you`ll thoughts will come straight back to it.

Focus on your husband. Spend time with him. Go to your favorite places together. Be active in restoring your relationship with your DH and the other guy will be gone in no time.

Texting him is IMO playing with fire. And that usually doesn`t end well.

Best wishes.

post #19 of 33
Blushing - I sent you two rambling PMs! I'll blame it on having no coffee yet this morning! smile.gif
post #20 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by blushing View Post
 

All good advice, erigeron, thank you! I agree that if there had never been anything flirtatious coming from him that I probably would have just noticed that he was very good-looking and left it at that. I have tried my best this past week to keep our conversations strictly business, no personal chit-chat. It hasn't helped much, yet.

 

I don't really want to tell my husband or anyone else in real life about this, I'm terribly embarrassed as it is, and I think his feelings would be hurt. My husband is not the most perceptive guy to begin with about this stuff, and he's never around when I have to see the Crush. I guess if I thought there was any chance that something might actually happen then we would have to talk about it. But there's not, and I really just want this guy to stop infecting my brain!


I agree with you. I wouldn't tell my husband. Nothing much has happened, it's just a crush. It happens to most people once in a while. If it were me, I'd probably stop the texting, you start looking forward to them, and if your heart jumps into your throat when you see his name on your phone, it's a sign to keep him at arm's length.  Keeping away and getting busy with something else seems to really help.

 

Also, having sex with your DH a LOT seems to put those feelings where they probably should be as well as quenching them appropriately. :rotflmao 

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