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How to get over an inappropriate crush? - Page 2

post #21 of 33

This happens sometimes to me too (minus the texting) and I find that telling my husband is the single most useful thing I can do to stop it. I have to outline to the person who would be most affected by me doing something inappropriate exactly what I'm feeling and what steps I'm putting in place to make sure it doesn't go any further. Then he can help me. Or you negotiate your own boundaries between the two of you, you might decide for instance that having a close friendship is ok as long as your husband can read your communications. Its all about you and your husband and how you can make it work honestly and openly that way. 

post #22 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxswood View Post
 

This happens sometimes to me too (minus the texting) and I find that telling my husband is the single most useful thing I can do to stop it. I have to outline to the person who would be most affected by me doing something inappropriate exactly what I'm feeling and what steps I'm putting in place to make sure it doesn't go any further. Then he can help me. Or you negotiate your own boundaries between the two of you, you might decide for instance that having a close friendship is ok as long as your husband can read your communications. Its all about you and your husband and how you can make it work honestly and openly that way. 


This might work for some people, but it would be a disaster for others. Some of us not only feel we can control our impulses enough to not act on our "crushes" but also have a strong sense of needing our privacy. I value nothing more than my privacy. I don't read my husband's emails and he never reads mine. I don't go through his stuff or his wallet or his phone and he respects my property and information similarly. I don;t think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship.

 

In some situations (and I am not saying the OP is in this situation) a partner with strong feelings of jealousy could possibly cause serious problems of trust in the relationship. In some more unhealthy relationships it might result in anger and even violence.

 

IMO, if you feel you can control yourself, (and even if you can't) telling your partner in many cases can cause a rift in trust that could have long term repercussions. I KNOW my husband would be hurt if I told him when I had specific crushes. I've been married for almost 28 years and have never cheated (neither has he) so I know I can control myself. I see NO reason to hurt him by telling him I'm thinking of an other man when I know things won't get out of control and I always end up at home in bed with my husband at the end of the day.

 

As far as I am concerned, telling your partner is playing with fire. It could cause him or her to never trust you again and if he or she is the jealous type it could turn really awful really quickly, PLUS, I can't imagine the repercussions in the future, I can think of thousands (maybe hundreds) of situations where your seeming to not be able to control yourself could cause your partner to really lose faith in you. People sometimes say things they don't mean or even want to say when they are very angry. I can't imagine having this albatross hanging around my neck when the next knock down drag out argument happens!  I think the urge to "use" that information "Well, you were thinking of cheating on me! Argument over!" is too much of a temptation for many people to stay away from in all situations.

 

IMO, it's dangerous to share these usually completely innocent flirtations. If I ever felt I was in danger of actually cheating, I'd see a therapist, not use my partner (who has a huge emotional stake in my actions and emotions) as a therapist. That isn't his role.

post #23 of 33

I think it depends on you and your husband and your marriage. I don't think that either telling or not telling is blanketly good or bad for everybody, nor that it means that your marriage is a bad one if you choose to tell or if you choose to not tell. People should do what works for them and that isn't going to be the same for everybody.

 

I feel like I should just copy and paste this in every thread I've been in lately. Gah. 

 

For me talking to my husband worked because he basically already knew already so I wasn't gaining anything by keeping it from him.  

post #24 of 33
I'm quite amused at being told my marriage is unhealthy :-)

I didn't say everybody should do this, I shared my own experience of using radical honesty to help my marriage (as recommended by many therapists incidentally).

I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me. He feels the same and isn't worried when I tell him such things because in telling I am demonstrating my trustworthiness. I also trust him not to throw my honesty back at me in an argument, we don't argue that way.

For me it's important to have this level of intimacy in my marriage, he is my best friend. And how can it be spying on someone if they willingly grant you access? :-)
post #25 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxswood View Post

I'm quite amused at being told my marriage is unhealthy :-)

I didn't say everybody should do this, I shared my own experience of using radical honesty to help my marriage (as recommended by many therapists incidentally).

I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me. He feels the same and isn't worried when I tell him such things because in telling I am demonstrating my trustworthiness. I also trust him not to throw my honesty back at me in an argument, we don't argue that way.

For me it's important to have this level of intimacy in my marriage, he is my best friend. And how can it be spying on someone if they willingly grant you access? :-)


I hope that isn't what or all of what you extrapolated from my post!

 

I was stating my opinion in regards to my relationship and here's what I actually said, ". I don;t think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship.

In some situations (and I am not saying the OP is in this situation) a partner with strong feelings of jealousy could possibly cause serious problems of trust in the relationship. In some more unhealthy relationships it might result in anger and even violence."

 

I don't think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship. Ever.

 

However, If you don't think what you and he are doing is spying then the paragraph wouldn't apply to you at all. Don't you think?  If the "jealousy, trust, spying, violence" thing isn't present in your relationship, then I wasn't talking about your relationship. It was aimed at the OP, using your post as something I simply don't agree with doing.

 

You said: "I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me."

 

FTR, I have never in 28 years of being married to him, "worried about what my husband is not telling me."  shrug.gif  And I've also never spied on him. Nor he on me. Or looked at his phone or whatever.  If there is much trust, why would anyone have to worry about what the other person may or may not be "telling you?"

 

For my DH and myself, "trust" means not having to keep tabs on an other adult, because that adult is mature enough to manage his or her own behavior. That's what works for us.

 

I trust my husband and he trusts me. I also trust myself.  If I have trust in my own self control, why would I need my husband to check my phone to make sure I'm behaving? I guess I don't get that. That wouldn't mesh with our relationship. I'm taking a guess from knowing a lot of other people over the years that it wouldn't work with a good number of  other couples, as well.

 

YMMV.

post #26 of 33

Clearly our mileage varies, and thats ok :) I wonder if its a cultural or generational difference, I'd say the majority of people I know in happy marriages share this sort of information with one another. I can understand how you wouldn't be wise to do so if you were afraid your husband might be violent or react unpleasantly. 

post #27 of 33

In regards to telling a spouse - 

I trust my husband completely. 

I do not need him to tell me about a crush. It would make me feel bad, uncomfortable around that person. 

I am aware he is human, and attraction happens. I see this is part of life. I trust in the end he will make the choice not to hurt me, us, our family. I so don't need to know about something that is only going on his head. It won't do me good. 

If something were to actually occur, than that's a different story. 

post #28 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxswood View Post
 

Clearly our mileage varies, and thats ok :) I wonder if its a cultural or generational difference, I'd say the majority of people I know in happy marriages share this sort of information with one another. I can understand how you wouldn't be wise to do so if you were afraid your husband might be violent or react unpleasantly. 


Maybe it's cultural or generational. I don't know. I don't see this much in the people I know.  None of my friends, except the ones who feel they have a reason not to trust their partners do these kinds of activities. I have two friends in heavy D/s relationships and their husbands always check their phones, where they go, what they are doing, what they do with their money (including requiting receipts and permission before buying anything) and it works for them, but my husband and I have a different relationship.

 

I personally know my husband wouldn't react violently, of course, but a lot of women's partners might..  For my husband and I, it's just part of the respect system that we have set up with each other. I also don't ever check my children's phones, email accounts or search their rooms. I was not given a lot of privacy as a child, and my mother was always snooping.  I felt very violated by that.  I told myself I would always give the people around me trust and I have kept that promise to myself and to the people I love.

 

But, as with many things, mileage may vary. :) 


Edited by MaggieLC - 11/7/13 at 8:04am
post #29 of 33

My husband doesn't have any of my passwords or anything, but it's kind of a Chinese wall because my computer is on all the time and everything is saved on there, so if he really wanted to snoop he could. We don't read each other's messages or texts, though. I honestly don't understand this phenomenon of sharing passwords. Maybe I was so thoroughly drilled in why not to when coming of age in the early part of the Internet age. I don't see any benefit to it. There is also nothing I do online that I would not tell him about. 

post #30 of 33
Thanks for explaining :-) I don't have a high need for privacy, my dh having access to my phone and email means I have to do less general arranging and communicating of things to people. Mind you, I'll happily hand my phone over to my kids or Mum or close friends as well.
It's nice to hear other people's point of view on things. Especially when it's so different to mine.
Whether it's easy to hear about attractions your partner has depends on all sorts I guess, for a few years near the beginning of our relationship I would have found it very hard. Now it feels like a fun secret that we share and I can tease him about.
post #31 of 33

OMG. I needed this thread. I feel like I need to reread this over and over again. I have been such an idiot. :(

OP - I am right there with you. My story is a bit different, but emotionally I am in a similar place. I reconnected with a guy I used to know as a teenager. He was very flirty with me way back then, and I was completely enchanted with him. Nothing ever happened though. Well, we both lost our fathers this year and after 30 years of no contact we are back in touch again. He lives far far away and it seemed harmless. We only communicate via text. But I LOVE "talking" with him and get a charge from the innuendo and casual flirting. At first, it supercharged my marriage and distracted me from the loss of my father. But now, 7 months later, we are still texting...sometimes two hours at a time (but really only about once every 10 days or so)...and our last long exchange was way over the line, acknowledging that we are still connected and that we always have been...and he asked me to erase the chat and told me he erases all of our chats. We haven't really texted since then. I am...scared. And thrilled. And freaked out.And feel like we messed up a harmless thing and now the reality is...as fun as it is to think about, we crossed (or maybe I crossed) that line in a big way. So now I feel like I've lost a dear friend and there's nothing I can do about it. I texted him something innocent and he responded, but barely, so I think he's pulling back too, even though he promised me he never would and that nothing would ever harm our friendship. I t went from an innocent childhood crush, to something that is potentially dangerous. So I am losing him all over again, and that is so painful. Don't mean to  highjack, but it so helps to hear all of these responses bcs it's helping me get my head on straight. 

post #32 of 33

Cristina, best of luck with moving on from that--it sounds really difficult. It honestly sounds like it was never really harmless. If he was a big flirt then, and it sounds like he still is, I don't think you guys were ever destined to be just good friends. It sounds like it would have been problematic in any case. 

post #33 of 33
Blushing- what became of your crush?
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