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Vent- stbx has new gf

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 

It has been a year since stbx moved out because he wanted to focus on work and not put energy into relationship and family.

 

Well, now that he has his freedom he finds that he does want a new relationship.  It is the second interest of his since we split up.  The first woman (the one he started pursuing when I was newly pregnant with our 2nd child) ended up not so interested in him in a romantic way, so it didn't really go anywhere. But this second one is more mutual. So he is obviously seeking a relationship out. 

 

Anyway, it isn't really the fact that he is starting a new relationship that is hard.  Life is so much easier and more joyful since he left.  And, he has asperger's syndrome, so I know it is only a matter of time before he will pull back into his shell with this relationship too.  Or, who knows, maybe it will work for them.  That isn't really the issue for me.

 

The thing that is hard for me is that it is just so easy for him to just find someone else.  He meets lots of women with his interests through his work and he is in a leadership position, so he seems to be a good catch (at least at first glance).  Plus, he doesn't have children tagging along.

 

I've got full custody (which is really what I think is best for us all) and my entire life is young children, breastfeeding, and waking up 50x a night. I'm exhausted.  It is so hard to find time for myself where I don't have little people climbing on me.  Also, I just don't have any opportunity to meet guys who might be even remotely available or interesting.  My only social life is through my daughter's school.  I'm on the Board and really active in so many way that are very fulfilling, but it is a very small community.  It isn't like there are constantly new people passing through, like with my stbx's work. 

 

This afternoon I dropped in briefly for friend's birthday gathering after picking my older daughter up from school.  There was an attractive guy there, but I didn't even bother to start a conversation.  I had both girls with me, my youngest trying to lift my shirt up to nurse, my oldest being obnoxious because she hadn't seen me all day and just wanted my attention.  I felt frazzled and exhausted.   And who is going to pursue a mom with sole custody of two young children? 

 

I'm 42, I have a 5 year old and 16 month old and right now all I really want is a full night sleep and someone to do my dishes.  I can't imagine beginning a relationship. 

 

Meanwhile, here is their dad footloose and fancy free.  His time is his own, his life is his own.  And, gee, it really wasn't that he didn't want to put energy into a relationship.  It is just that he didn't want to put energy into *our* relationship and family.

 

Ok.. that is all.  Thanks for listing to my pity party....  

post #2 of 11

Wow, I can really sympathi*e(that key is broken on my laptop).  That was my life.  My ex left when I was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd child and he began dating nearly immediately.  There was a lot of animosity between us at that point.  And I felt as you did for MANY years.  We've had joint custody since day 1 but he had the kids very very little, especially with our littlest one being so small for so long.  He didn't even take the kids overnight until she was 2.  So I had absolutely NO social life.  My entire life revolved around our children and he had work and a social life and things seemed so rosy for him.  I was really really bitter.  And even up until maybe 3 months ago I still had no social life because I stayed home.  But it's been 5 1/2 years and all of our kids are finally in school and I"m back at work and dating.  I'm enjoying meeting new people.  Things are so much better.  It took several years to move out of that "mom" role but it was worth the wait because now I feel like I can have my mom role and enjoy my kids but then I can let them go with dad while I work or go out and I get the best of both worlds.  It's still not "even" between ex and I because I have them FAR more than he does but I think it's for the best anyway.  I'm okay with it.  I have my "me" time  So don't lose heart because it will happen for you.  I wasn't even looking when I met someone at work.  So anything can happen.  It took me nearly 6 years to get back into the swing of things but it is worth it.

post #3 of 11
MamaRuga, I completely hear you. Except I just have one 2 year old daughter... My husband left me because he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be a father or husband. He also has aspergers. He hasn't started dating yet, I don't think, but I've been treated to his report of all the things he goes out and does and how "hard" it is to hang out with all these women he's met. I know his newfound sociability won't last long, but it still stings. Me, on the other hand...our daughter is attached to me every second I'm not at work. I'm nursing, I'm cosleeping, and I do NOT feel sexy. It's not fair :-/
post #4 of 11
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the encouragement, justmama.  It is nice to hear that things can change. 

 

Rainface, it is great to hear from someone else who has been in an AS marriage too.  It was so surprising when he left because everything that I had understood about aspies was that they just get comfortable and won't want to change things.  I guess having kids was the clincher.  Just too much chaos and noise.  

 

His new "interest" is moving to town this week.  It will be interesting to see what happens.  I just can't reconcile how fast he has tried to jump into another relationship when we seemed so burned out in ours.  He didn't want any physical contact and didn't want to put anything into the relationship.  Now, here he is ready to jump so quickly into another one.  I was the one with all of the unmet relationship and sexual needs.  Now he gets to pursue that while I'm probably years away from being able to start something.  Something just seems wrong with this picture. 

post #5 of 11

Something seems wrong in this picture because while you're taking time to learn from your past relationship, he's in denial, it would seem.

post #6 of 11

Man. I could have written this exact same post. It's so strange to have spent such a long time sharing the same life with someone, and then all of a sudden our lives could not be more different. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't yet. Just know you're not alone - good luck. 

post #7 of 11

MamaRuga,

 

I don't have much advice for dealing with your ex having a new girlfriend, but I wanted to comment on something else.  It sounds like you are overwhelmed, taking care of two kids by yourself 24/7, while your ex is "footloose and fancy free."  Anyone would start to feel resentful with this arrangement after a while. 

 

I think you need a break from your kids.  I know you felt that full custody was best for everyone, but I would encourage you to reconsider that arrangement.  Does your ex EVER see the kids? 

 

Even if he got them one night a week and every other weekend, that would be a nice little break for you to recharge your batteries.  When I was married, I never got a break from my girls.  I was constantly tired, irritable and I was quick to snap at them for every little thing.  I was too tired to do anything with them most of the time.

 

Once I got divorced, my ex got our girls every Saturday afternoon.  That little break was enough for me to relax, do something for myself, catch up on housework.  Getting that break gave me a chance to "miss them".  I wasn't so burned out so when they got back I was able to enjoy my time with them more.

 

It's important that your girls spend time with their dad and you should not let your ex escape his parenting responsbilities.  He has aspergers but he's not disabled.  There's no reason he can't spend time with his girls and you get a much needed break in the process.

post #8 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

Something seems wrong in this picture because while you're taking time to learn from your past relationship, he's in denial, it would seem.

I had to quote the above statement because he is going to be on a long roller coaster ride. I was in a very similar situation and I learned to be resourceful over time with child care supports, be it only a few hours a month, coupled with knowing that my ex was worse off because he was himself. LoL. Dating with twin newborns didn't seem hot but by the time they were toddlers I gave it a try and I'm taking my time.

It's great to have a pity party every now and again just don't forget the wine...
post #9 of 11
Thread Starter 

Thanks amber3902, I think that is good advice.  Now that our youngest is getting older I think that one afternoon a week is doable.  He has been saying that he wants to have more time with the girls.  He even put the baby into her car seat tonight and got her out again.  And she seems to really be warming up to him.  So that helps me feel more relaxed about it.  I'm sure that having a new girlfriend may actually help encourage him to be a bit closer with the girls. Right now he is looking at how to make himself appear more "normal" and attractive to his girlfriend.  Being an attentive father would be helpful in this situation.  I'm sure that he honestly wants more time with them too, but I know him so well that this new interest is certainly part of it.   A guy who never spends time with his children is a red-flag, I would think.

 

My older daughter is closer to him since they've had more of a relationship.  But she is a bit scared of him too.  So, I don't know how she would be with having time with him without me.  Mostly I just worry about how he disciplines and speaks to her.  He uses a lot of guilt and also can get way to complicated when he speaks with her.  Plus he can yell in a pretty scary way.  But she is getting older now and it might be ok.  He may actually want to step up and learn better ways of fathering if he had them on his own without me there to always look to.

 

I'd love to have one day a week to myself.  I get time to myself now, but I pay a lot for sitters.  Maybe this will be a good bargaining point as we work out our child support arrangements.  If he had some custody he wouldn't have to pay quite as much.  I know so many mother's would be really glad to not share custody at all, so it seems funny that I would be pushing him to take it.  

 

On another note, I met his new girlfriend.  He hasn't introduced her as such, though.  He is super, super private.  I only know because of an email he left open at work on the desk.  She seems to be a very lovely person.  I'm not sure that she will put up with some of his idiosyncratic ways once they get to know each other better.  She seems like a strong woman.  She is older (closer to his age) and just has that air of someone who has had enough bullsh*t in her life that she isn't going to put up with much more.  Interestingly enough, her marriage to a younger man ended last year when he left her for someone else.  I'm so glad that she isn't the person that my stbx left me for.  I feel like she and I share that pain of being left, so I feel a bit of comradeship.  But it is also a bit weird because we won't be getting together for a cup of tea to whine about how our ex's did us wrong since my X is now her sweetie.    We will see where it goes with them.  

 

It just still seems so strange, though.  I've known him for 22 years.  He is so much a part of the fabric of my life.  It just seems so surreal that he so easily can move on to someone he has only known for a few months. Life is so much brighter and light filled now that we aren't living together, yet I still love him so deeply.  It's so hard to get my head around the whole thing.  It still seems like a dream.

post #10 of 11
" He is so much a part of the fabric of my life. It just seems so surreal that he so easily can move on to someone he has only known for a few months. Life is so much brighter and light filled now that we aren't living together, yet I still love him so deeply. It's so hard to get my head around the whole thing."
This. So much this. DD and I went and had breakfast and a play date with her dad this morning so she could see him for a few hours. While we were chatting he casually tells me about going to a museum last weekend with some girl he met on the internet who flew into town to visit him. He's not trying to be hurtful. I tried to explain to my mom last week that while I have plenty of reasons to be hurt and furious, it doesn't mean I want to feel that way. It's hard to wrap my head around.
post #11 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaRuga View Post

 

My older daughter is closer to him since they've had more of a relationship.  But she is a bit scared of him too.  So, I don't know how she would be with having time with him without me.  Mostly I just worry about how he disciplines and speaks to her.  He uses a lot of guilt and also can get way to complicated when he speaks with her.  Plus he can yell in a pretty scary way.  But she is getting older now and it might be ok.  He may actually want to step up and learn better ways of fathering if he had them on his own without me there to always look to.

Are you sure he is Asperger's and not just emotionally unavailable due to underlying personality disorder?  

 

Listen to your mama instincts and do what your heart feels is best, no matter how much you hear from others about the importance of the dad relationship.  A dad relationship is only valuable when it enriches the kids and they are feeling good about themselves as a result.  When dad is in the space to be motivated and WANT to spend time with them, that's when I would look to formalizing some time.  Otherwise, it could end up being harder on your kids than it has to be (they will subconsciously pick up on his disinterested vibes, and if he is not fully on board, then he is more likely to be emotionally abusive - but perhaps in more passive ways).

 

I personally would wait for dad to initiate the time requests.  Let him demonstrate he is sincere.  

It's hard with little ones.  This too shall pass.  Just enjoy them while they are little. 

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