As long as the clothes are in our price range I truly don't care. She has some trendy clothes, some see through that she wears an undershirt with, some Goth, and some jeans and t-shirts. She does her hair in chalk and wears as much makeup as she can slip by her teacher. I just don't see clothes as an issue, there are ways to make any item acceptable enough to pass the school requirements and it has only taken one day of having to wear the ugly baggy shirt for my DD to be willing to choose outfits that are acceptable ay school.
I have done my part by raising her to value herself as a person and we talk about issues of conformity when they come up and she decides what to do. I feel like we all go through a phase of not liking our bodies, exploring our commitment to the values our parents raised us with, trying to conform, being vain, etc... It is part of growing up and I hope to keep the lines of communication open and let her go through it. I don't think stopping purchases and imposing values stops any of the things you mentioned, it just stops the dialogue and creates resentment.
Yea, that does help! I'm not sure if you are one of the people who gave me this impression that it's ok to be into clothes "so long as it isn't about this or that thing the parent finds uncomfortable". But, that's part of what I was getting at -- that this seems like a value judgment from the parent.
My goal is to be sort of like you -- trying to take my own personal biases out of the equation. I have done this a bit already (but because fashion isn't a big part of our lives yet, I haven't been pushed too far out of my comfort zone). I know that there are certain counter-culture "looks" that I love and some that I don't like at all. But that's because of my own experience and I know that DC will have her own.
Makeup is a good point too. Speaking of things that would make me uncomfortable... There is a trend in my city for some white teen girls (DC is white/so am I) to wear bronzer. So much bronzer that I call it bronzer dysmorphia. It usually goes along with bleach blond hair. I don't care for this look and it's something like this that makes me wonder what I will do if DC embraces that style.
Another layer here (which has come up in the past for me with people who take a really hard line on control like TCS or CL people) is that I think "talking about values" is a form of influence.I can't imagine EVER forcing my DC to wear something. I can't even imagine how that would work. So, for me, I'd ALWAYS be simply talking about values (aside from ditching the sparkly princess PJs when they're toddlers). But, I guess I'm just not sure what my values about clothes are. I mean, I'm kind of a "everything in moderation" type for most things. I guess that's as good as anything. ;-)
And, I'm not all stressed about any of this -- I just think it's kind of interesting and wouldn't mind having thought about it a bit before it comes up for us.
It's hard to give as specific because aesthetic and values are so different but for me, for instance, something like wanting to use crap tons of bronzer (like I mentioned above) would be an example of something where I would be really pushed out of my comfort zone. But, if I were to be really honest with myself, this is an aesthetic thing.
Part of why I ask is because it sounds to me like both you and Beanmama have kids with a fashion sense that you both like (and what it sounds like I would like too). If our kids are doing what we like, it's kind of hard to be the poster child for consensual living...CL gets hard when we're out of sync, is what I mean.
So, that's where I am too. So far we have not had to control anything (DC willfully goes to a school with a uniform, for instance) and otherwise wears what she wants. Chooses not to shop with me. Off the top of my head I can not think of a time where I have asked her to change.
But, I just do not feel like I have been tested.