You mamas are so sweet. Well, it isn't good news for the baby, but I am feeling relief along with the sadness. Six days of bleeding and uncertainty has left me drained.
I went for the u/s and they tried the abdominal scan and couldn't see anything so did a vaginal. I expressed my concern of anything coming near my cervix and she insisted it wouldn't (but how can it not?? That "wand" is enormous!) She kept looking around and she never typed anything about a pregnancy - just ovaries, uterus, etc. it started to get a bit pinchy and uncomfortable, like she was pushing on my cervix and then she was finished. She said I could get dressed and speak with the doctor. I went in the bathroom and used the toilet and something slipped out. I went back into the u/s room and took a latex glove and reached into the toilet to retrieve it. Definitely not a clot this time. I wrapped it up in a paper towel and got dressed. I knew the instant I saw it what it was and I was so flooded with relief. I think the prodding around dislodged the sac/embryo and allowed it to come out.
I went in to the doctor's office and he was like a robot spewing memorized lines from a textbook. So cold. I showed him the embryo and he said "I'll take it into the dirty utility room and look at it." He looked at me like I had two heads. When he brought it back he said "We didn't see anything in your uterus." And I said "Well where was that?" and he said it was probably in my vagina. I think I would have known if something like that was in my vagina. I hate seeing men for female stuff. "Sorry for your loss" with zero emotion in his voice and out I went.
I started the car and the Stones were playing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want':
"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need"
And I thought "What do I want?" "Is this what I needed?"
I drove straight to my mw who was going to give me a script for follow up blood work. I showed he the embryo and my u/s picture from Friday and she said "I think this (embryonic sac) is what was in there (embryonic sac in uterus.)" She asked if I wanted to take it with me and I said no, but I knew instantly that I would wish I had buried it in the garden or something. I also knew my hormones were dropping rapidly and I would soon be senseless with emotion.
Off I went to the lab for a blood draw. Hoping the HCG is dropping so I can be finished with this.
And finally, off I went for my final CSA pick up where three different people brought up pregnancy or babies to me. One asked if I had four or five children and I had to pause before answering.
I got home and snuggled my almost-3-yr-old for a good three hours while he nursed and fell asleep in my arms.
I really feel for the mamas who m/c and don't have any small children at home to love on. Snuggling my little guy has made this a billion times easier. I've found myself staring at my other children and feeling my heart filled with love for them. I don't know what one would do with nobody to pour that extra love on and my heart truly goes out to those of you.
I held it together through dinner and even cleaned up the kitchen afterward. I knew I was pushing it because the bleeding was picking up and I was beginning to feel dizzy with exhaustion (I had been up since 4:30am.) I laid down and the tears barely waiting for my head to hit the pillow. I knew I'd have a headache from the crying. I don't know that I had any specific reason for the sadness - a bit of guilt for feeling ambivalent these past few weeks, feeling sorry for myself for having to deal with the uncertainty these past six days, wondering if I did something to cause it, etc. etc.
I'm upset and feeling let down by DH who I feel should have been more supportive. I ran around bleeding to all of those appointments on Friday all by myself and yesterday, all by myself. he'd ask me about things like "Did you order the turkey yet? Don't you want a turkey for Thanksgiving?" and I thought, what an a-hole, doesn't he realize there's one thing and one thing only on my mind?? And the fear of my body not completing what it needed to and having to go to the hospital. I think my adrenal function is probably half what it was 6 weeks ago.
In the end, none of it physically hurt. I had mild contractions here and there and some lower back pain, but no real pain. Nothing even close to the discomfort of a period - and my periods aren't even too bad.
My initial feeling during all of this was "I NEVER want to do any of this again - done with having babies." And then as soon as I drove away after losing the baby it turned to "How soon can I get pregnant again?" Can I do all of the detoxing and healing I've wanted to do and still have time to have a baby? And I realized that nothing was going to be logical at that point and I just needed to be.
Hugs to all of you who've suffered a loss and hugs to all of you still carrying your beautiful babies who have been so supportive.
Best wishes for happy, healthy babies in June!