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Pregnant but don't know who the dad is?

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
I'm 15 and about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. I wasn't going o tell because I planned to get an abortion. However I felt like abortion was wrong for me. So now I'm trying to figure out who to tell. I don't know who the dad is. I don't even have it narrowed down to 4 possibilities which is the reason I wanted an abortion. However I know women who've done it alone. Advice?
post #2 of 14
You should speak with your school psychologist or social worker or both. They can help you with your parents, education, prenatal care advice etc. A teenage boy cannot help you much now. Seek out support from those who can.
post #3 of 14

I second the school counselor or psychologist as a first step.  For a 15 year old to have more than four partners at a time suggests to me that something potentially very dangerous is going on.  Have you been to a doctor for STD testing and other kinds of basic care?  It's important to ensure that you are in good health as you move forward.  My first steps would be to make an appointment with a doctor (Planned Parenthood is wonderful if you have one near you) and another appointment with a mental health professional who can help you work out how this happened and where you will go from here.  Good luck. 

post #4 of 14

Do you have family to help support you through this? Yes plenty of women do it alone, I am a single mom myself. You are very young, but everyone is different, some can do it at your age, others can't. If you feel you can do this and don't want an abortion, that is your choice. To be sure about your decision it will help if you can talk your situation through with an adult family member, or adult family friend, or school counselor. They can advise you what help is available etc. With regards to the father, you won't know for sure until after the baby is born and you can do a DNA test then. If they are likely to react badly, it may be better to wait until the baby is here and they can be tested, as you don't need them stressing you while pregnant. Good luck.

post #5 of 14

First of all, avoid crisis pregnancy centers. They are funded by churches, lure women in tough situations, and then fail to present all of your options fairly. They would not be understanding of your situation. I would talk to a counselor at a place like Planned Parenthood *before* talking to family, friends, and potential fathers. They can help you figure out all your options. 

 

I agree that guys you had only a casual relationship with will be of no help in the beginning. Especially if they didn't know you had multiple partners. Tell them last, and IMO, only if you plan on raising a child and need to test who the father is. 

post #6 of 14

I want to tell you congratulations! your pregnant and that is exciting. 

I say this because when i became pregnant as a single mother, no one said it to me. and i wanted to hear it just as much as other people in other situations. I would encourage you not to allow anyone to sway you in any direction, and to follow what you feel in your heart and your spirit, whatever that may be. No one around you has to live out this decision except you, and that  is why you are the only one whose opinion matters. 

While cynthiamoon (comment above) warns about pregnancy centers and their funding, I was seen at a pregnancy center for both of my pregnancies, and have appreciated their FREE services without the wait time of a planned parenthood. I would say where ever is convenient for you to go, go there, regardless of the funding. The most important thing is that you are seen by a medical professional, and get the support you need. If you ever want to talk more or ask about my situation don't hesitate to message me! My situation was a bit different, but I have faced unexpected pregnancy when i was younger than expected. 

 

Good luck girl! 

post #7 of 14

Everybody has an agenda, Planned Parenthood, religious pregnancy centers, everybody. Go to those who best meet with what you know and feel anyway, and try to form your own opinions and make your own choices, anybody you talk to can give input, but not really tell you what to do. Count on your parents way more than you count on this boy, whoever it is. It's time to take personal responsibility, this will force you to grow up really fast. For now, you're responsible for keeping yourself and baby healthy. If you don't choose adoption then it's years of supporting and parenting this child. I was raised by a single mom, so was my husband, it's a lot of working, a lot of struggle for enough time and money. On your own it's hard to stay emotionally grounded, too. But being a parent is a wonderful blessing, you get to know this brand new person and you love them like you've never loved anybody before.

post #8 of 14
Sorry, I was just making sure it was an informed choice about where to go. Crisis pregnancy centers don't always make their religious affiliation know. If she is still unsure about an abortion, their advice would be very biased.

I didn't meant to sound intolerant. I had a bad experience at a crisis center when I was single, even though I thought I was prepared for the bias, and I had another friend who was bullied as a pregnant teen at one as well. It's just good to know their beliefs before going on.

That friend though-- She was 16 and is a wonderful mom to an 8yr old now! So there's that smile.gif
post #9 of 14

I second avoiding crisis pregnancy centres. Planned Parenthood has *no* agenda and would be your safest bet. I am in Canada, but I went to Planned Parenthood for all of my birth control needs etc throughout my 20s, and they had the highest quality, least judgemental and most impartial care. I even preferred to have my pelvic exams done with them than with my regular medical doctor.

I STRONGLY urge you to visit them to get the most reasonable and sane information and support that you definitely need right now.

I had an abortion when I was 21. It might not be the choice for you, but I absolutely don't regret it and it made it possible for me to carry on with my life. If I hadn't had it, I would never have finished school or met my husband, and it allowed me a little more time to figure out who I was and grow up on my own terms. I am expecting my first baby 10 years later and I am so happy to start my family at the right time with the right person. I have no shame or regrets about it, it wasn't traumatic and I am grateful I live in a country where abortions are accessible. 

Anyway, I think it's important that you hear that because it may be an important message for you, and a different tone from the information you are receiving.

Bottom line is, don't blame yourself, don't let anyone shame you for your predicament, and realize you are not alone. 

post #10 of 14

I disagree about crisis pregnancy centers. Yes, they are pro-life so you have to expect that they will encourage you to keep the baby or put the baby up for adoption.. But most of them will not only help you with the medical part and counseling but also have parenting classes and will give you a lot of the baby items you need. You are already wanting to keep your baby and this would be a place that would help you and not just for a short period of time. My husband and I donate to places like this as often as we can so those who want to keep their babies have the opportunity and help to make that happen. Things most likely will not be easy on your own but if it is what you want, you can do it. I hope that you can find an adult (hopefully a family member) that will support you. My sister was 17 when she had my beautiful niece. We all helped her out and now I look at my amazing 12 year old niece and can't imagine life without her.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers! 

post #11 of 14
Planned Parenthood definitely has an agenda. I have been through their 'pregnancy counseling' 2x. The first time a ProChoice Volunteer (not a doctor OR nurse) failed to inform me that I could not have ruined my baby by having 1beer per day in the first two weeks post O. The second time they gave me false info about pregnancy Medicaid, making me think I would be ineligible when I was very eligible.

If you think they have 'no agenda', a quick study of their actual documented history will fix that fast. I am not saying never go there, but please don't tell women that they don't have an agenda.

Unfortunately the only way a woman today could get a fair perspective on both of her options would be to go to both a CPC & PP.
post #12 of 14

I worked at PP for several years.  There was no agenda.  The goal was to allow every woman we spoke with to make whatever choice was best for her in terms of an unplanned pregnancy- be that termination, or continuation of the pregnancy. The job was to help them access services for any option they felt was right for them- without personal judgement or guilt trips. 

As for CPCs- I think that marketing them to women looking to terminate is deplorable, but they can be handy resources for women who know termination is not an option within the context of their own lives. 

It sounds like you could use some support and guidance- and probably a counselor to walk through this challenge, as well as to sort out why you would be making choices that are so dangerous to your health regarding sexual partners. 
 

post #13 of 14
Many others who have worked @ PP do think there is an agenda & bottom line is: they don't offer prenatal care in most of their locations. They also have a political arm, so it is a really tough argument to make that an organization with a dark history & a political arm has 'no agenda whatsoever'.

The only place OP can go that truly has NO agenda is a regular Dr/Midwife/or Counselor.
post #14 of 14

First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! Secondly, it doesn't really matter at this point if you know who the dad is - that is water under the bridge. Plenty of people in the world don't know who their fathers are, and live a perfectly happy and healthy life. What is important now is that you are healthy and happy and that you and your unborn child are given the best care available, regardless of what choice you make. I agree that you should go somewhere and discuss your options with an unbiased person such as a counselor, doctor, or nurse. Yes, every organization has a slightly different spin on things (a crisis pregnancy center could be more pro-life, vs. PP, where it could be more geared towards pro-choice), but in the end, all that you need is someone who will listen to you and be objective and give you some options. Your parents will probably not be as unbiased, so I think it's important that you talk to someone before you talk to your parents. It will give you more strength and confidence to deal with what could be a potentially scary situation. 

 

Lastly, if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to message me on here. I had some similar experiences as a teenager, and although that was quite a while ago, I haven't forgotten what it was like and I know how it feels to be alone, unsure and scared. 

 

Best of luck and know that you are strong and you will find the strength to do whatever you have to do. You can do anything you set your mind to, don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't. 

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