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Brother in law...

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

Got a one night stand pregnant and she disappeared 2 days after they found out. She's been gone for weeks now. I know he's upset but I can't entirely blame her either. Is there anything he can do? I mean, she could just move. Never tell him she gives birth, put someone else on the bc and move on. She could claim a miscarriage/abortion, yet move and have the baby. He was very aggressive with saying he was going to "fight to get the kid" (as if a 25 year old living with his mom is going to get sole custody from the mother) and I think that is what made her disappear. 

 

*Note, I am not super involved with the stbxbil so there may be things I'm missing.

post #2 of 9

One thing he could do is talk to a local family counselor/family service center. Some employers contract with local counseling centers to offer a couple of free (to the employee) sessions, so his employer could be a resource (not to share the pregnancy details, but to find free access to help). Otherwise look for pregnancy counseling centers in your (well ... his) area in the phonebook.

 

He may be able to contact the hospitals in areas she might possibly be, with information about her to see if there's anything they can share (do they have a website where they post newborn snapshots/details that he could monitor to see if the baby is born?). Unfortunately without legal parental rights (always the case for an unmarried father) he doesn't have any LEGAL right to know anything about her, her pregnancy, the "fetus," or even the baby once it's born until paternity is established and he gets court-ordered parenting time assigned.

 

 

It took DH 6 years to fight a semi-similar situation (it wasn't a one-night stand, but his short-term GF moved halfway across the state without notice or leaving any means of contact. He didn't even know what region she lived in until she filed for child support several months later). It will be a long, expensive, uphill, battle if he wants any kind of involvement with the child.

post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 

I figured as much, I'm surprised your husband eventually got visitation! Probably only because she filed for child support huh?

post #4 of 9
What a tough situation. I wonder if most people file for support? That would be such an ready way to find her.
post #5 of 9
Thread Starter 

I guess most people do, I don't know if she will or not though. From what I understand she doesn't want anything to do with him now..

post #6 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by autumngrey View Post
 

He may be able to contact the hospitals in areas she might possibly be, with information about her to see if there's anything they can share (do they have a website where they post newborn snapshots/details that he could monitor to see if the baby is born?). Unfortunately without legal parental rights (always the case for an unmarried father) he doesn't have any LEGAL right to know anything about her, her pregnancy, the "fetus," or even the baby once it's born until paternity is established and he gets court-ordered parenting time assigned.

 

Good lord, I hope no hospital would give out such data without permission. This is exactly the sort of strategy an abusive ex might use to get contact details about a partner that's left him and is trying to steer clear.

 

Unfortunately, there may not be much your BIL can do. What he can do is get legal advice to find out what his position is with regard to getting access once the child is born if he actually can track this woman down (unless there's something major going on like a drug habit on her part he is not going to get custody, so he might as well give up on that one right away, but he should have the legal right to get access). What he should do is find out what his position might be with regard to having to pay child support, which she may well decide to claim further down the line, so he should make financial plans to deal with that eventuality. Meanwhile, does he have any information about her to go on to help track her down?

post #7 of 9

OP- Are you certain that helping this man is wise? Were you there to see how "aggressive" he got? It's bad enough that he threatened to take the baby from her- if he gave her good reason to believe he would harm her or the child, I can't blame her for running. Are you absolutely certain that your BIL will be a good father and won't try to hurt either the child or this woman?

 

I agree that, if both parents are good people and good parents, a child deserves to know both of their parents- but no child deserves to be abused or grow up watching a parent be abused.  I find it incredibly concerning that in only two days of knowing about the pregnancy he turned aggressive and started threatening to take the child from her. 

 

I'm not suggesting that you hinder him. But, unless you know a lot more to the situation or his character than you put here, I would, personally, be hesitant to offer too much help.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Good Enough Mum View Post
 

 

Good lord, I hope no hospital would give out such data without permission. This is exactly the sort of strategy an abusive ex might use to get contact details about a partner that's left him and is trying to steer clear.

 

I can't find it now- but I remember when looking up hospitals in the area in case we had to transfer, at least one of them had a section that gave nursery information about babies so that the family could "keep up" with the updates and whatnot. I don't know if it was opt-in or automatic, I'd hope opt-in! Unfortunately, I can't find it right now and I can't remember what details it gave for whether or not it would be recognizable to other people. I also don't know what information this would have to help in the OP's BIL's situation. It certainly could include last name to help relatives tell which baby is the right one, and that would usually be enough.

 

People will also put in news about births in the newspaper that include the baby's full name and date of birth, sometimes the parents' names as well. I don't know how many people do that nowadays.

post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysapling View Post
 

In short, no..I havent helped him yet, I am gathering info on case I decide he is stable later because my mil asked me to. Honestly I dont blame her for running, my stbx is physically aggressive too although their parents arent (no idea why). I was freaked out about his reaction and if I were her I would have run too. I was hoping to be told there wasnt much he could do.

post #9 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
 

In short, no..I havent helped him yet, I am gathering info on case I decide he is stable later because my mil asked me to. Honestly I dont blame her for running, my stbx is physically aggressive too although their parents arent (no idea why). I was freaked out about his reaction and if I were her I would have run too. I was hoping to be told there wasnt much he could do.

*nods* That's good.

 

If he were really dedicated to it- he could try to hire a private investigator to track her down, I imagine- no idea how that works or how much it'd cost. If they have mutual contacts (friends/relatives of hers that talk to him/relatives of his that talk to her/etc), then he may be able to find out through them. I think it mostly depends on a few factors:

-Her resources (if she has money to travel anywhere/is able to get a good job elsewhere/has family far enough away that will take her in)

-Her dedication

-Other people supporting her decision (if she moves in with family and they don't support her decision, they can get in touch with your BIL themselves)

 

She can change her name, get a taxpayer ID to stop using her SSN, drastically change her appearance, cut ties to anyone who might talk to him, etc. If she did that- he might be able to find her, but you can see how difficult it would be. Or she might make a public post on facebook that makes it possible to identify where she is. If he just spooked her and she needs time to get more comfortable with the pregnancy/baby, she may contact him in a few weeks to a year. If she's truly terrified for her, or especially her baby's, safety- it's impossible to know the lengths she might go to.

 

I hope that, whatever happens, it works out for the best.

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