I really do not know where to start. I resent myself, resent my daughter yet my heart bleeds for her, resent everything. I am tired. I am totally spent. I have tried and tried and tried to make things better, but it just never works.
I try to show love and empathy to my kids and to myself. I have read a lot about how to listen to children and talk to them, connect and all that. I try to be patient even when I am so stressed. When I lose it, I try to explain that no one's perfect and I am sorry, but I do not always have the energy or headspace to say sorry and to comfort. I am a person and life doesn't stop! There is always so much to do. I resent myself for not being patient enough and I resent one of my kids for sulking about every little thing.
If she doesn't complete her homework, it is my fault. No matter how understanding and supportive I am, if I yell at her once, I hear her crying quietly in bed. I am weary of it. I have no more energy to deal with this. She complains and complains and complains and I keep blaming myself.
I blame myself because I fell into depression 4years ago and she suffered the most. I feel suicidal all the time, but I cannot bear to follow through, because I do not want her feeling she wasn't worth living for or thinking it is her fault. I am struggling so much and I know, but I am trying too. When she sulks or lashes out, I blame myself because my depression affected her self-esteem terribly.
The problem now is I do not see a way out. I'd need to be perfect/good enough for a long time before she begins to feel secure again and her self-esteem can be healthy again, but I am too unhappy still and too easily affected by her sadness. One sulky face from her and everything comes back up-guilt and then fear and then anger. I feel her sadness comes from her insecurity due to my depression. I cannot separate it. It may sound simple or silly, but I really cannot.
I have been in therapy for several months now, but still stuck. I am tired.