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Zen and the art of Peaceful Parenting

4K views 46 replies 14 participants last post by  GISDiva 
#1 ·
Hello,
This thread was inspired by the Saner TWW thread that was started in the Trying to Conceive forum that inspired the Peaceful Pregnancy thread in I'm Pregnant. So many of us found valuable support for maintaining our sanity while TTC and while pregnant that we would like to extend the zen to our lives as parents. We welcome all former members of the above mentioned threads and all new members who would like to discuss how to maintain peacefulness while on the journey of parenting.
Peace,
Pokey

Saner TTC
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1387082/the-saner-ttc-thunder-moon/0_30
New thread--http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1393463/the-saner-ttc-and-graduates-the-beaver-moon/0_30

A Peaceful Pregnancy
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1355121/a-peaceful-pregnancy/0_30
 
#2 ·
YAY! Thanks for creating this thread. I suppose I could've done it too but I'm not a leader, I'm a follower.

This whole journey from TTC to pregnancy and now motherhood has included a huge spiritual growth component and that is what I would like to see discussed here, among other things. How is parenthood impacting you as a person, how is it helping you grow?

So many things come to mind but I'll start with a few big ones:

- guilt over anything and everything and learning to forgive myself, learning to let go of "getting it right" (perfectionism)

- learning to reconcile the rational side of me (I'm doing the best I can and in the big picture we'll be okay) with the emotional side of me (he's so unhappy, I must be doing something wrong, he'll be scarred for life, look at him, he's starving!). I find too that rational = long term thinking, whereas emotional = now, crisis, immediate.

And as far as more direct approaches to maintaining my sanity is concerned: in the first few weeks when I was completely overwhelmed I would go take 20-40 minute naps and listen to my Blissborn tracks. That puts me right to sleep. It's not quite meditation but getting to sleep fast was a must.

Now (at 8 weeks) I feel more comfortable with going with the flow. I still have my list of things I'd like to get done but I've let go of the attachment that every item has to be crossed off, it's a reminder of possible tasks to tackle while baby is sleeping, nothing more.
 
#3 ·
Just dropping by on my phone from a 1 am feeding to say Hi! I'm here! Thanks so much for starting this thread. I'm right behind Dakipode at five and a half weeks. I will write more when I can, you've given me lots to think about already. So glad to have this space with you all again. Best wishes!
 
#4 ·
Hello! I moved this thread to Life with a Baby because that is where we are at the moment. I think it's a different kind of zen you need to survive life with a newborn/infant than you need with an older child.

I hope you are doing well, dakipode and Sphinxy! In the immediate postpartum period, I had a lot of anxiety. I think a good bit of it was hormonal. The loss of happy pregnancy hormones hit me hard. I had felt pretty calm during most of my pregnancy. Suddenly I was a mess, crying every day, feeling like I was doing everything wrong. Thankfully, that did go away. I feel much more competent now even if I worry about whether I am doing things right. I had a lot of anxiety around leaving the house with the baby (and without him as well). I was worried he would cry, be hungry, be disruptive, etc. My wife found a flyer we had gotten from the hospital about a baby and me group that meets once a week and she encouraged me to go. I went when DS was 6 weeks old, and it made a world of difference. I was surrounded by people going through the same thing and people who had survived it and lived to tell. I didn't feel like I was losing my mind anymore. I learned to be comfortable nursing in public. I felt comfortable taking my baby out to eat. It was great for me. I went every week until I went back to work. I miss it now. I hope to take some time off in the new year so I can go back.

How are you doing?
 
#5 ·
My youngest turns five weeks tomorrow. I definitely remember those days when my firstborn was itty bitty and struggling just to get out of the house. Of course I still struggle to get out of the house. I strive to get the big kids ready first, then nurse and potty the baby before we leave, but I often feel like someone always starts undressing, makes a huge mess, bickers, etc...and we always end up running late no matter how early I start, often with me yelling at the kids, especially my high needs, spirited six year old. I try to embrace everyday as an opportunity on developing my stress management skills and modeling that to the kids. I have big emotions. My eldest has big emotions. I keep telling myself as I learn to work through my big emotions, I teach her to do so, too. I put the Explosive Child on hold at the library again, hoping that by reading it we can strive more to work together.

I really enjoy the newborn phase. At this point, I feel pretty confident about the whole baby thing, and I really love how snuggly they are at this age. Plus, they sleep so much! Just now when I would like him to sleep.
 
#6 ·
Hi all, I would love to join. My baby is four weeks old today. She is my third child (I have an eighteen month old girl and a three year old boy). I had a wonderful pregnancy--it was the most peaceful and happiest of all three. She arrived at exactly 37 weeks, and I was able to have the vbac homebirth I had been hoping for. I am over the moon with my sweet baby girl. However, I have been experiencing feelings of loss around not being pregnant anymore, going early, and this probably being my last baby because of my age. I wish I didn't have these feelings. It's gotten a bit better, since my due date has come and gone. Maybe I need more sleep and need to eat better (haven't had much of an appetite). Anybody else experiencing any of this? I want my zen feelings from the pregnancy and birth to come back!
 
#8 ·
Hello TenzinsMama and cardigan! So glad to have you join us!

TM, at four weeks I think anyone would struggle with finding peace, and I can't imagine having to parent two toddlers on top of that! One day at a time right?

cardi, I feel the same way still about things piling up, around the house as well as mentally things that linger on the to-do list. Having a baby sure has taught me to prioritize quickly, e.g. today getting him and myself ready for starting daycare tomorrow is a priority, I've been meaning to vacuum but it can wait and I need to get some groceries but again I'll see where I am after the daycare tasks are taken care of.

A big component of staying sane for me is speaking up and telling DH when I need help, giving up being a martyr and doing it all myself (while complaining internally about DH not doing anything). He's happy to help and I have to remember he can't read my mind. We went into this together so I have to stop feeling like I'm imposing on him, he's just as much a parent as I am.

How's everyone else? What are the things that help keep you sane? What insights have you gained as a (new) parent?
 
#9 ·
Hi everyone! 9 weeks here. Wow. Just finished a feeding and should be trying to get back to sleep but wanted to check in. dakipode, I am totally with you on asking for help as a way to maintain sanity. The flip side of that for me though is my strong opinions about the "right" way to care for W. Anyone else experience that? I am still working on finding productive ways to communicate (or bite my tongue) when I disagree with how DW is handling something. But I know I need to - part of asking for help is to let go of control, right?

Hoping to attend my first yoga class tomorrow since W was born, if the snow will hold off. I need it! Best wishes to everyone!
 
#10 ·
I'd like to join. I do think I'm doing pretty well with keeping my mood balanced and finding harmony with my life. I don't find any zen in house cleaning, but I do love being in the kitchen and trying to concoct healthy recipes for my family's nutritional needs. That's a fun area in my daily domestic life. The other part that I like is the cloth diapers and generally managing the laundry in the laundry room while baby is on the changing table in the laundry room watching me have fun folding her diapers into pretty stacks and putting the rest of the laundry to dry on the racks and folding the clean clothes and stacking them to go to the various destination bedroom closets. She enjoys watching me sing to her while I deal with the washing of all our textiles. I let her bum air out for a bit of naked time on her changing table area on our counters for a few minutes, and do a little bit of the laundry work at each diaper change so when the diaper goes back on she's very dry, good for the skin. Once she starts rolling and being more active I won't be able to do this but for now she just watches me or her mobile and wiggles only slightly and really enjoys being naked from the waist down for a bit.

The part I need the most zen tips for are enduring wintertime chauffeuring. Sometimes I need to walk fifteen minutes with all three kids to the bus to sit for 25 minutes in a crowded bus and then walk another ten minutes to get the older kids to school and it can be a miserable near-hour-long experience when the weather is miserable and we are going out when it's still pitch black dark outside and sometimes actively snowing. I also get so stressed out thinking about how my older kids' weekly school and hobby schedule doesn't align and it often leaves me and baby either using public transportation and having a couple of hours to kill between pick-ups/drop-offs (when it doesn't make sense to bus it home just to turn around a short while later and bus back into the center of town) with nowhere to go really, or when we do have a car, going back and forth in the car quite a few times during the day, when baby hates car seat. It's just logistically really stressful to manage older kids' lives with a baby. I didn't mind running them around when I was pregnant but now it's tough.

Funnily enough, the weeks I have only baby and the older kids are with their dad (my ex), I feel totally bored and crave a reason to get out of the house and bus it into the center. I have joined mommy baby groups that meet weekly for this purpose, to try to socialize with other mamas IRL and also to practice the local language. God I can't wait for spring, though, trudging through the snow pushing the baby carriage (and while it's falling on my face) just sucks. She typically cries to be worn so I wear her in the wrap under my coat and then it's a 16 # weight on my person in addition to pushing the carriage (with all our stuff, diaper bag, drinks, any grocery shopping I've done, etc on it) through the snow. I hope all this is helping me to get in better postpartum shape!

Glad to see some of my favorite DDC members on this thread! Sphinxy I miss you from OctDDC and dakipode the SeptDDC has died hasn't it?
 
#11 ·
Hey Mamas!! So glad to see so many familiar names. Thank you Pokey for getting the ball rolling here in the new thread, awesome idea!! My baby bean is 7 weeks old and we're doing well. I am still trying to figure out how to juggle everything, especially household tasks/management and my DD's needs. DD is a great helper but also high needs and high energy herself. At least she adores her baby brother. And the baby is just fantastic!!. He's a champion nurser and growing like a weed, such chubby cheeks! I am thoroughly enjoying this time with the baby and feel like I am able to be in the moment so much more completely than I was with DD. I guess knowing all of it is temporary makes it easier. I also feel more confident and calmer, I actually know what I am doing, at least for the moment
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The first time it was all such unknowns! I felt completely clueless and inadequate most of the time. I am doing better this time about asking for and accepting help. I would totally lose my mind if I didn't. With my DD I couldn't accept any help, thought I had to literally do it all. It wasn't pretty! I totally echo all the things you mentioned in your first post Dakipode. It has been better this time but it's all still there! I'm not sure the guilt and uncertainty ever totally vanishes. I've been pumping like mad in preparation for my return to work after New Year's. I feel sad and anxious about it but it is a necessity so... At least I'll only be full time the first three weeks and then I start my part time schedule, and my parents are providing childcare. I am SO, SO grateful!! I've not connected with any new moms IRL so I am especially glad to continue to have this space and you amazing women. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year!!
 
#12 ·
SparkleMaman, thanks for sharing that beautiful picture!
I've been thinking about this thread and wanted to share a recurring theme: I find myself often contemplating "cave woman and cave baby" in the context of caring for baby. She didn't have the internet and ten thousand so called experts on baby sleep schedules, growth charts etc, she just took care of her baby andb the human race survived. I often think I need someone else's advice but when I consider cave woman and her baby I realize I can just trust my instincts and do what feels right. Just my zen thoughts today.
 
#13 ·
Thank you, Dakipode! I frequently think the same thing, how did women do this hundreds or thousands of years ago? I completely agree about following your gut and not getting rapped up in expert advice. What I realize, though, was that women in most other cultures and times have had a community to help them that we in the US sorely lack. I observe mostly competition rather than support in most of the arenas where I encounter other moms. It makes me terribly sad. I've been pondering this piece a lot as I just received the book The Good Mother Myth http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-Mother-Myth-Redefining/dp/1580055028/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388247562&sr=8-1&keywords=myth+of+the+good+mother I am enjoying it immensely thus far! Really interesting thoughts/comments on being a mom.

Serafina Oh my goodness, yes! I am finding the trekking around of my DD so very challenging right now. The baby hates being in his carseat and we have an hour commute to pretty much anywhere we go. It really stinks. I'm not sure I am too zen about it but I am working on it and trying not to anticipate that it will be awful, as that inevitably makes it so much worse. Yesterday we drove to our CSA farm to pick up our weekly share. I got lost on familiar rural roads (tired and distracted I guess) and ended up on a road that got us there, but took much longer and was not plowed - awful driving. Baby was screaming and there was nowhere to safely pull over. DD got terribly frustrated (at herself) for not being able to soothe the baby and started grumping about how annoying his cry was and how hard it is to have a new baby. It actually opened up a fabulous conversation about babies and their needs (not wants) and how it won't always be this way, etc. I talked about what DD was like as a baby, she also hated the car, and explained that babies don't do things to be irritating, they cry to get their needs met. I felt so much better seeing DD really get this and be more patient with herself rather than feeling like she couldn't do it, help the baby. He fell asleep soon after and DD felt empowered. All in all, a win win. And I also love to cook, am not as fond of cleaning (but I do hate my house when it's messy) and just adore our cloth diapers
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I am finding some peace this morning - DD and DH are heading out to go sledding. I will be home alone with the baby. I plan to sit and read my new cookbook and nurse my peanut, *sigh* So nice!

I need to run, Happy Weekend!!
 
#14 ·
I all. My ds is almost six week, and we have two others. Will write more when time but wanted to say I think the cave women were surrounded by other women. They would he learned from them and support too I guess. I like the clan of the cave bear series and imagine it would be like that:)
 
#15 ·
I wish I had cave sisters! :) I try to reach out to other mamas a lot, in hopes of getting some of that womyn community spirit feeling, but it's hard at 30 & older to meet new friends and start new social circles. But it helps me to cheerful and Zen to have other moms with babies in my life to laugh with.
 
#16 ·
Agreed, Serafina! It is harder but those connections are so reaffirming.

I started back to work last week, full time for this week and next, then I begin my every other day schedule. I am exhausted and it's been crazy but we've all survived and baby bean is happy and well. So grateful for my parents who are watching him. I am struggling to figure out what food sensitivities are causing problems for my sweet boy. Despite awful looking poo and occasional blood in there (the evidence of said sensitivities) he's an amazingly happy guy! He's nearly 14# at 10 weeks (was 7# 11 oz at birth) so not affecting his growth. I am currently vegan, gluten free, and avoiding soy, peanut, tree nuts, tomato and all nightshade (inc potatoes), citrus and corn. I was lacto ovo vegetarian. before and I miss dairy and eggs. Fx the restrictions begin to work soon, our peds think it could take another 2-4 weeks to see results. Thinking of all you peaceful mamas! What are you up to this week? What is your biggest struggle in your quest for zen? What are you most proud of?
 
#17 ·
Sparkle, do you have oversupply? It can cause blood and funky green poop. Imbalance of hind and fore milk, baby doesn't get enough of the fatty hind milk, so too much lactose causing some gut bleeding. Seeing as you're already free of all those other allergens, it's something to consider.
 
#18 ·
Sparklemaman, I hope you get some results from your restricted diet. It sure sounds like he's gaining well though. My little guy is barely 14.5lbs at 16 weeks...

As far as zen is concerned for me it keeps coming back to the to do list and letting go of expectations. Nowadays I'm learning to make peace with half finished projects sitting around for days and the feeling of hoping for the stars to align so that I can take a shower/have a cup of tea/read a couple of pages in a book/etc.

I've also realized that very often a meet up time with a friend is more of an ETA than a set appointment. So I'm learning to be good about communication if I'm running late. I'm usually a super punctual person but again I'm letting go of that as well.
 
#19 ·
Hippy I don't think so, I am actually having trouble pumping enough for what my baby boy eats while I am at work. That's facinating though! Never heard that! Neither my pediatrician nor LC mentioned it. Trying to do my best, I am afraid to eat anything honestly.
 
#20 ·
Dakipod that's how I try to look at things. It can be hard. But with homeschooling, I feel like I'm learning a whole new set of patience with everything since baby was born.

Sparkle, it can take at least 3 weeks for dairy to get our of the system. Are you trying mothers milk tea by traditional medicinals? It might help with supply, give it a boost for pumping. Or fenugreek or oatmeal cookies
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I think yogi tea has a bf tea too. You are very lucky to have family to watch baby.

Zen for babies-is anyone using those amber necklace or bracelets and notice any difference?
 
#21 ·
It really helps me to be more zen about the intensity of mama/baby life, to have a weekly band rehearsal where I get 5 hours away from the house and just meet with my bandmates and rehearse. I sing rock and roll, let loose, and am not a 'mommy' for those hours. It's very good. i know it's so good for baby and daddy to have some one on one time.
 
#22 ·
I don't know how zen this is but I finally figured out a sleeping arrangement. I've been stressing about what to do once bub starts wiggling and crawling around. Get rid of bassinet that's been holding toys and blankets, put twin mattress on floor, sleep there with baby, no more worries about getting caught in bed rail or crawling over it. I feel better.
I think I'm getting more sleep or something too as the bit of ppd is much better. I just feel myself mostly now.
 
#23 ·
Hi everybody. I seriously need some zen advice, Breast feeding is not going easily at all. My nipples have craters and I am in severe pain. I cry when dd latches on. The softest fabric makes me wince. I've seen a consultant and we've resolved latch issues but the pain isnt stopping. She is hitting a growth spurt and I just cant take it anymore. I want to continue for her benefit but honestly I hate this. She won't even take a pacifier to give me a few mins break. I feel like such a bad mama.....
:(
 
#24 ·
Oh momma, take a deep breath. It's still the early weeks. Growth spurts can wreck havoc. Here is kellymoms page on sore nipples and how to heal them. http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/bfhelp-mother/

Always check latch. Maybe change holding position for a deeper latch?

Check for thrush. You can use coconut oil between nursings. It will also help kill any bacteria that could feed yeast, which with hurt nipples is like an open door for thrush.

Have you been able to go to a lll meeting? Sometimes just being around some other bf moms who might be going through the same thing or got past it, can be very helpful.

My ds has a semi shallow latch. Some days I have no problem, others it hurts whèn he doesn't latch right. It's hard sometimes. Stay confident, try some of the things on kellymom to heal nipples.
 
#25 ·
I'm sorry, JustJenny. You are not a bad mama! It can be really hard at the beginning! It surprised me too. I understood why so many people do give up. hippy mum gave some great advice and Kellymom is great for helpful info. Changing positions can help if only because it puts pressure on different spots. I found side-lying most comfortable. Will she suck on your finger instead of a pacifier? I had pain that made me wince and pound my feet for about the first month, then it got a little better with no more wincing. After 2 months, or 8 weeks, the pain was completely gone. I woke up one day and my nipples just didn't hurt anymore. Before that I didn't want anything touching them. I also say that nursing with other moms can be really helpful. Keep working with the LC if things don't improve. It can get better, much better. I'm glad I stuck it out because now I truly enjoy it.
 
#26 ·
Hugs, JustJenny! I was so there back in the early days. I was so close to stopping, so angry at the way I was feeling. The most zen way I found to handle it was to take it one feeding at a time. Giving myself the option, the freedom, to choose NOT breast feeding actually made me realize that I wanted to choose to keep trying. I set a recurring reminder on my iPhone to pop and tell me everyday, "just for today, I will choose to breast feed my baby". It felt a little less overwhelming to break it down to one day at a time. It did get easier for me, around eight weeks. You can do this. You are doing it. But you don't have to. You are still a great mom if you choose to stop. Don't beat yourself up over feeling legitimate feelings. It's HARD.
 
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