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I feel like a monster.

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

Some of the thoughts I have make me feel like a horrible person. I'm nostalgic for my old life and all the freedom I had. The little things I took for granted, being able to go out easily....or just to use the bathroom when I need to. I can't enjoy a glass of wine, cup of coffee, or piece of cheese because of breastfeeding and my son's sensitivities. I don't know if I have PPD or am just selfish. I'm just being honest here. My husband just texted me from work to ask how we're doing today and I admitted that I feel down and I miss my old life. He stopped responding. I'm sure he thinks I'm a bad person. But you know what? The few times he's watched Jayden when I've picked up shifts at work, he was pretty damn frustrated with Jayden's fussiness. I not only have to endure the fussiness but my old life is gone. I used to love my job, I can't do it even once in awhile because it's the type of job where I can't pump. The few times I've done it I was so physically uncomfortable nervous about my supply being affected that I decided it wasn't worth it. Sometimes I take my anger out on my cat and raise my voice at her or lightly "kick" her with my foot. I feel terrible, she didn't do anything wrong either. I have NEVER been like that. I was always a compassionate person who rescued animals. I never thought I would be like this. I honestly don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I made a mistake, I wasn't mean to have a child. I don't deserve such a sweet, intelligent, dynamic kid as he is. Wish I could just disappear.

post #2 of 7

You are not selfish; what you are feeling is very common.  Having a child means a huge change in lifestyle.  Do you have any outside support?  Babysitter, relatives, friends?  Who can help you get a break?  Anyone in charge of caring for an infant for long stretches of time without sufficient relief is going to feel that way.

 

Having thoughts like you wish you could get a break or you miss your old easier life doesn't mean you are selfish or that you have PPD.  But, if you feel like a horrible person and are starting to hate yourself or think of yourself as a monster because you have these feelings you may very well have PPD in addition to being overwhelmed, or maybe exacerbated by being overwhelmed.  Have you spoken to a health care provider about this?

 

Lots of hugs, many of us have btdt.

post #3 of 7

Thinking about your post more

 

It sounds like you might need:

1- more frequent breaks

2- to be able to do the job you love

3- possibly to talk to a counselor and/or have medication to help balance your brain chemicals - it doesn't have to be permanent, think of it as training wheels or a cast for your brain.

 

You might find that if you do 1 and 3, that not having 2 might not be so bad.  Or you might find that being able to do the job you love is crucial to your own well-being, and if you do 1 and 2, you won't need 3.   Or you might need to do 1, 2, and 3.

 

In any case, you have a couple of options.  Pumping isn't really working.  You could white knuckle it the way things are until your baby is old enough for solids.  Or, you could try mixed feeding.  Ok, this is MDC, but I've known many women who were able to continue breastfeeding for much longer, thanks to mixed feeding, than they would have been if they were exclusively breastfeeding.  

 

Babies need love and a caring environment, and a mom who is looking after her own happiness and health, far more than they need mom to live up to some kind of ideal, whether that is SAH or EBF or never feeling frustrated or overwhelmed or what have you.  Frustration and feeling overwhelmed is a sign you need more, not a sign that you are a bad mom.

 

So, those are my thoughts based on a tiny slice of your words.  But what do you think you need?

post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyclamen View Post
 

You are not selfish; what you are feeling is very common.  Having a child means a huge change in lifestyle.  Do you have any outside support?  Babysitter, relatives, friends?  Who can help you get a break?  Anyone in charge of caring for an infant for long stretches of time without sufficient relief is going to feel that way.

 

Having thoughts like you wish you could get a break or you miss your old easier life doesn't mean you are selfish or that you have PPD.  But, if you feel like a horrible person and are starting to hate yourself or think of yourself as a monster because you have these feelings you may very well have PPD in addition to being overwhelmed, or maybe exacerbated by being overwhelmed.  Have you spoken to a health care provider about this?

 

Lots of hugs, many of us have btdt.


Hi there, the only support would be my husband. Of course he works full-time, but when he's here he's great with the baby. My mom is around but let's just say I wouldn't want her to be around him alone for any length of time.

 

I have a counselor whom I see weekly. I have briefly touched on my feeling overwhelmed...I've more talked about feeling guilty about everything. I guess I should also tell her that I feel overwhelmed and even angry sometimes (at the situation, not my baby.)

post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyclamen View Post
 

Thinking about your post more

 

It sounds like you might need:

1- more frequent breaks

2- to be able to do the job you love

3- possibly to talk to a counselor and/or have medication to help balance your brain chemicals - it doesn't have to be permanent, think of it as training wheels or a cast for your brain.

 

You might find that if you do 1 and 3, that not having 2 might not be so bad.  Or you might find that being able to do the job you love is crucial to your own well-being, and if you do 1 and 2, you won't need 3.   Or you might need to do 1, 2, and 3.

 

In any case, you have a couple of options.  Pumping isn't really working.  You could white knuckle it the way things are until your baby is old enough for solids.  Or, you could try mixed feeding.  Ok, this is MDC, but I've known many women who were able to continue breastfeeding for much longer, thanks to mixed feeding, than they would have been if they were exclusively breastfeeding.  

 

Babies need love and a caring environment, and a mom who is looking after her own happiness and health, far more than they need mom to live up to some kind of ideal, whether that is SAH or EBF or never feeling frustrated or overwhelmed or what have you.  Frustration and feeling overwhelmed is a sign you need more, not a sign that you are a bad mom.

 

So, those are my thoughts based on a tiny slice of your words.  But what do you think you need?

Hi again. Breaks would be nice...if I let anyone other than my DH watch him! He works 14+ hour days, so I'm alone with Jayden most of the time. Needless to say it gets lonely. I used to be a server in a high-end restaurant, so I'm used to the fast-paced, busy life. It's a BIG change. It's not that I "love" my job, but it's a good fit for my personality, and let's face it, the money was great. Now you see why I can't pump-there are not many jobs where regular breaks are not feasible. Serving is one of them. If I feed Jayden before leaving the house and pump 3 hours later, that's at the heart of our dinner rush. I did it a couple times on slow Tuesdays--don't ask me how I pulled that one off. But weekends are completely out of the question. Right now I am being asked to work because two girls have to attend a funeral. It's tempting but I just hate to have to worry about milk supply. Anyway, mixed feeding is out of the question. Besides my strong opposition to formula...DS is highly allergic to casein, as we found the hard way. And soy formula--no way. Not ever. So it looks like housebound I will be for a few more months. I hate to admit this, but I'm looking forward to introducing solids (at the right time--people have suggested cereal now-he's 4 months. mm, no.) I hope he's one of those babies who takes well to solids. I think he will; he has a huge appetite. By then he should be nursing less frequently and 6-7 hour shifts may be in the realm of possibility. But then we'd have to adjust my husband's work schedule so he can watch J when I'm gone....a bridge to cross over when we get there!

post #6 of 7
The frequent nursing doesn't last forever. I was able to leave my son for 8 hours without nursing or pumping by the time he was about 18 months. I know that seems like forever away, but it does end.

Why did your husband stop responding to your texts when you started to tell him how you are feeling? Is he unwilling to hear that you are overwhelmed?

Being alone with your kid for 14 hours is really hard. Do you guys have places you can go? Like, show up at the mall with your baby, at a cafe, stuff like that? That helped me a lot when I was in mat leave.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

The frequent nursing doesn't last forever. I was able to leave my son for 8 hours without nursing or pumping by the time he was about 18 months. I know that seems like forever away, but it does end.

Why did your husband stop responding to your texts when you started to tell him how you are feeling? Is he unwilling to hear that you are overwhelmed?

Being alone with your kid for 14 hours is really hard. Do you guys have places you can go? Like, show up at the mall with your baby, at a cafe, stuff like that? That helped me a lot when I was in mat leave.

 

At what age does it get to be every 4 hours, 5 hours, etc? Does it vary with the child? I can usually complete a shift in 5 to 6. I don't think we can be on one income for 14 more months..

 

I'm not sure why he stopped responding. He might have just been busy. He's normally fairly supportive...I think the next time I talked to him after that he said something like "It's not easy. That's what all mothers go through." He himself at times gets frustrated. So it would be unfair to ask me to be a cool cucumber all the time.

 

Yeah, we try to get out almost every day, whether it's to a mom's group (I love ICAN-those meetings have been the savior of me), outings with Grandma, or just errands. It's good for me and Jayden loves riding in the car.

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