He claims that my refusal to allow him to yell at or manhandle our children is disrespectful to him and not allowing him to be a parent. I asked him what he will do when our huge (size of an average 8 year old at 4 years old) autistic son hits him back. He refused to answer so I asked him how he planned on handling the kids when he has them for a whole weekend alone..he said "I don't want them for a whole weekend alone". He has mental instability issues and I just have no patience for his narcissistic verbal and emotional abuse. He calls me names, cusses at me, demeans me. I'm so over it. I wish he would just leave us alone forever.
You "protect" your boys when they're with him by teaching the skills they need to cope with his personality. You don't need to frame it in the context of "dealing with dad," but instead in terms of dealing with a difficult person who bullies them. You could teach them as if it were how to deal with bullies at school (in fact, it's probably the best way to approach the issue to avoid accusations of parental alienation). You don't get to tell him how to parent anymore, beyond what's in the parenting plan. If he is abusive toward them, then it's not your responsibility to tell him to parent differently, it's your responsibility to report the abuse. Up to the point of abuse (or any other behavior that violates your State's statues, like not sending the children to school) the Court will likely see it as a difference of parenting styles. So if there's something you want to have any hope of influencing (you still won't get to control it, only hope he sees the plan as something he should follow), you should include it in the parenting plan. That might be to indicate that use of corporal punishment and yelling at the children is not permitted by either party. It's probably effectively an unenforceable condition, though. Unenforceable agreements (like "he's going to follow this bedtime routine" or "he's not going to yell at the kids") in a parenting plan are good to write out to help remind both parties of what you agree to, but no Court would send someone to your house to investigate or likely even hold him in contempt for not following it. Not to sound like I condone that kind of treatment of children, but anything that would fall short of causing a parent to lose custody of their children to the state is also likely to fall short of causing him to lose his own parenting rights. Courts don't have time to deal with parents who disagree on day-to-day parenting decisions.
As for your parenting plan, you can put anything in the parenting plan that is within the limits of your state's legal guidelines. I don't imagine waiving weekend overnights is prohibited from parenting plans in any state. Be aware that you can put "Dad waives overnights because he doesn't want them" in the parenting plan, but he can always petition the Court to change any part of the parenting plan, even if you write in there that he can't petition the Court for a change (it's not enforceable--the Court maintains jurisdiction to make changes to its order and you can't take away its rights to do that). So ... put it in the plan? Sure. And then proceed with the schedule as ordered, but don't assume that it can't possibly ever change.
Thank you, I appreciate your taking the time to reply. He does believe he must follow the parenting plan and the pediatrician said she will assign him a social worker if he can't stop corporal punishment (our oldest has autism, corporal punishment is highly discouraged).
I have taught the boys that no one is allowed to push them and the oldest has (without my prompting) started yelling "Hey, you can't push me!" when stbx is rough with him. It pisses him off (so disrespectful to expect to be treated decently by your father) but he walks away.
If the kids are too scared to go see him for visitation I guess I could contact his coc as well..I tried to explain to him yesterday (we were still living together until today) that negative memories are more potent than positive memories so he needs to be mindful of his actions. He seemed to agree and understand, he just can't when he's angry (which is most of the time).