Didn't know where to put this....have been having this kind of depression ever since we moved to the farm. Frankly, I always had some kind of depression since was raised by a bi-polar mom, but somehow I am unable to get out of it for the rest of five years now. It depresses me even more, knowing that I have a wonderful husband, wonderful kids, wonderful house (which I adore), nice farm and an educational center which I run, although lately I lack enthusiasm for it. I homeschool and we always end up fighting, so I wonder if school is better than never-ending fights. We live on the green farm, my husband grows organic food, very pretty, although empty village, but I always crave for the city. I really don't know why, when I am in the city I feel alive, free to do what I like, happy with kids and everyone around (mostly). When I am on the farm I feel like I am audience watching a boring movie. It has been five years I am trying to change this feelng in me, but somehow it only gets worse. To add to the paradox; Beirut is over polluted, overpopulated, totally lacking green areas city. Maybe it's because it is easy to move there, here we have no means of transportation except for the car, which I dont drive. Even if you drive, I can hardly think of anywhere you can go, besides the gardens and greenery. I am so lost in those guilty feelings that I am ruining my children's and my husband's lives. I so hate myself of my incapability of being happy in the place, in which my husband does impossible for me to be happy. I have this feeling that I am waiting for someone to tell me how to get out of this chocking feeling inside me and live and enjoy life where I am. Thank you, hugs!
Depressed on the farm.
I'm so sorry . . . I saw what looked like this in my adult sons to some degree. We live in the rural part of a very small suburban-type city, and they felt there was nothing for them here. They kind of felt as though their brains were going into atrophy and are so much happier where they live now (DS1 in a large metro area, DS2 on campus). They sounded a bit like your post at times.
Does visiting the city help you at all? In the sense of recharging, I mean? I'm not sure if that would help, because there's a big difference between "I miss the city" and "I am unhappy spending a non-trivial amount of time in this rural area." I guess the most important observation I could make, if it's possible for you, is to tease out the details of what you find depressing. Is it the isolation? The lack of broader cultural opportunities? Less variety? Something about your lifestyle and routine? (As a footnote, is it possible that more conventional schooling would be an option that made your family and you happier?) If you're depressed, do consider getting the biochemical and historical possibilities addressed. If it's the situation, then keep digging within yourself to find out what it is about it that you find crushing.
Hugs, and best wishes!
It sounds like you feel stuck, and you feel like you don't have any control or choices. Is there something you can do just for yourself? Take a class? Get a part time job or volunteer? Sometimes just having a change of the people that you are around all day really helps. I work part time and although it's a hard job, I enjoy my co-workers and the change of scenery from home life.
Can you visit the city once a week or once in 2 weeks? to take a course? see a therapist? visit friends?
I strongly recommend you see a therapist. It helped me to see one when I was depressed due to childhood issues. The first one might not be a right one so please look around till you find the right one.
If you can't cope with homeschooling, please feel free to send your children to school as a trial basis. See if that makes both of you happy!
Does your town have a community center where you can take a class, or maybe a hospital where you can volunteer? You seem to feel better when there are people around.
Keep yourself busy. For depressed folks, it is very important to keep busy. 'Busy'ness is happiness.
Katie you are super isolated.
there is no one around you. the village is almost deserted. you dont or cant drive.
the only contact with the outside world somewhat is the education aspect of the farm. i am hoping that means you talk and interact with others. perhaps adults. but then you dont enjoy this either.
does your dh know what's going on with you? does he understand it? because if a regular trip to the city is going to make you feel better i cant see why he wouldnt do it even though HE hated it. instead of asking him to go to the city can you explain it from your point of view. that you feel down and listless and you need to go to a city to feel charged.
i think the crux of your problem is dh - sorta. you know what to do to feel a little better. but he doesnt comply. i am hoping its coz he has no idea how you feel at the moment nor how you are at the city. is there no one else in the village who can take you and the kids.
i hear you. i get depressed when i am socially isolated. i lived in a rural area for a year and i had to move because i was way too depressed. i can live in a rural area as long as i have friends visit me regularly and i get to go hang out in the city for at least a whole day every week. though i prefer rural to suburbia. to me suburbia (where i didnt have good neighbors) felt like a rural area in the guise of a city. i felt way more socially isolated. kinda like here i am in the city - but its too quiet.
Katie, I am so sorry i have no advice to give or solutions to offer. i hope some other mamas can step in to help.
yeah i can see from your dh's point of view too.
are you culturally isolated too?
the only thing i can think of is an online community you could chat with. in this case i can see a place like facebook being a life saver. how about skyping with friends and family?
the thing is the mind is easy to trick. and you can do that. however first you really have to find out how your depression is. does it need medication or just a change of situation.
it seems like one of you are giving up your 'dream'. if you guys move to the city then your dh loses it all. if you stay you go deeper into a hole. you cant keep going deeper. this is sorta the holiday season. can you afford to go on a vacation. even if you just go visit family. or they come to you? can your dh manage the farm by himself a little bit? is your 8 year old, old enough to live with daddy while you take the two littler ones? it doesnt have to be now. you could do it after the holidays. if money is tight could a family member/friend sponsor you?
Beirut a week ago so everyone is really concerned 😒. Here poeple are just so narrow minded! I was having some problems at the center because of that, there are things on my mind that I know I would love to do and can help me but somehow with three kids the house and homeschooling I never find time to anything for me 😞 sorry for nagging 😘
we have one family, of a woman who helps us at home....they are our friends and we love to be around them. I always wondered you know, if there is something like city people! It is just the way I feel: no matter how wonderful the village could be-I just miss the city.(let alone it is almost deserted and super-isolated from the outside world). I was born in Moscow, lived half of my life in Beirut, much of my motherhood in the biggest cities of Japan. So living in the village is totally new for me. It just sucks that after five years here, I still feel a great urge to be living in the city. Actually, dh has an aunt in Beirut, who is happy to welcome us every time. She also has a helper, who makes ones life a lot easier (a lot of thanx to her!). Last winter I used to spend half of the week in Beirut and half at the farm and it worked for me. However, dh felt left behind, felt that our family was scattered, in addition to a lot of money spent on transportation. This year to add to the misery the roads are almost always closed because of the problems in tripoli which half way. We can bypass, but it would be really expensive.....so lost at what to do. I can manage to do many things here that will keep me busy im sure, but I just don't want to spend my days, wishing I could live somewhere else.
I am in a very similar situation. I grew up in big cities and only knew city life. I have moved around quite a bit and gave birth to my daughter in the suburbs of Chicago. She was 9 months old when we bought our home about 10hrs north of Chicago in Canada, in a village of less 2000 people. The first year living hear was horrible and so isolating. Many farmers here suffer from depression and winters are very isolating. My husband last year got a job offer that would have us be able to move out of here. I really thought I had a chance to leave here. I ended up having feelings of sadness about it because after 10-11 years here I have built friendships and connections and established "roots". And my kids have a very good childhood here. After 4 months at his new job, my husband returned to his old workplace because of these roots. We had the opportunity to live anywhere in the US, close to any airport vicinity or closer to a Canadian airport as he travels for work.
Its really hard to move a family when one parent wants to leave and another wants to stay. Even though my needs where not met, my children's where and my dh's needs where as well. So the next step was to somehow manage to meet my needs in the rural area and create these roots.
Homeschooling may not be the best thing for you if it is isolating you on the farm. Is there a nearby school nearby? Even if they don't go to school but do a play group or something like that. I volunteer at my children's school and interact with teacher and parents weekly.
My kids take music and swimming lessons and in the past have done dance. These lessons where not just for the children but for me to go out and socialize. Even if there is no lessons in your area because your town is empty you may want to try to host parties and play groups during "closed" hours at your educational center.
Also it would be beneficial to find something that brings you excitement and happiness to look forward to like those trips into the city. Lets say you could ask your dh to set up these trips on a regular basis once a month or every two months... just plan them and look forward to them and tell your dh that they are very important to you if you are to live on the farm. And find something small to enjoy everyday like taking a nice walk or phoning a friend or MDC time :)
Keeping your brain active is also good for feeling stimulated even if it is just reading a good book.
I drive 2hrs to the big city almost weekly to visit my dad in the hospital. But before I go I visit the city library and spend several hours reading the huge variety of newspapers and magazines they have. I could use my time more wisely instead of wasting these precious few hours in the "big city", but it is "me time" that prepares me emotionally to visit my dad who is not doing so well.
It is easier for me to travel now that my kids are 11 and 9 so I do feel less of a burden to leave them at home with family and they are way more responsible then when they where younger.
There is no magic answer ... just try to find little things that make you happy and one day you will realize that the depression has lifted and you have become happy.