I haven't posted at mothering for a long time, but I'm hoping that you can help me gain some perspective and figure out what I'm doing. I don't have anyone IRL that can help me with this and I'm just feeling so lost right now.
DH and I have been together almost 20 years, married 15. We met when we were 18, at the start of our first year of college. We dated a couple of years, split up for a year, got back together and got married. We have three wonderful boys, ages 14, 11 & 8.
I'm feeling so frustrated and lonely and I'm just not sure what to do. We have a good life - DH & I don't fight, he's a good provider, we're financially comfortable - I'm very aware of all I have to be thankful for. And yet, I'm so sad and hurt by how our relationship is. DH is very emotionally distant (we're pretty sure he has Asperger's) and he's uninvolved in the family. He works from home as a computer programmer, so he's on the computer all day for work. However, it never ends. When he's not working, he's gaming. A typical day is work from 6am-3pm; he may come upstairs a few times throughout the day, for a few minutes at a time, to grab food. Other than that, he rarely comes up before evening - occasionally before dinner, and he'll take a nap in the livingroom; otherwise he comes up at dinner, usually halfway through the meal. He'll scarf down dinner and head back down to the computer. Most nights he'll come out around between 8:00-9:30pm and fall asleep on the couch. Occasionally he'll wake for one show. I head to bed between 10 & 10:30; he usually heads back to the computer then, but sometimes stays asleep on the couch until the middle of the night before moving to the computer. Weekends aren't much better - he sleeps until nearly noon & will sometimes spend some time with us while he works on a crossword, read a book or play a game, but the majority of the day is spent at the computer.
Most of this is not new. He's always been a workaholic and spent a lot of time gaming. The amount of time on the computer has gone up quite a bit in the last year or so. The napping is new, but he's never slept a lot at night. I'm just so fed up with not having a partner. He doesn't consistently interact with us - I don't think he knows how. He'll wander upstairs for a couple of minutes, but if we don't actively engage him, he wanders back down. Sometimes he'll cook, but not often lately. Other than that, he doesn't do any "chores" or projects or day-to-day stuff that is involved in running a household and raising three boys. We moved to a 5 acre property 6 years ago, so there are always extra things to do - I raise a flock of ~25 chickens, garden, otherwise keep up the property, make all of our food from scratch and preserve tons of food throughout the year. He rarely helps with any of this. I was in poor health all summer (severely anemic) and had no energy to do anything and would get major heart palpitations constantly - was warned by my doctor not to exert myself or it could mean a heart attack. So, everything got put off until the last few weeks when my health finally started improving. Then I had to bust my but to get things in order before the snow flew - the biggest projects were building a roof over the chicken run and covering an area around the garden with cardboard and chicken litter. I still have a huge freezer full of fruit that I need to can/dry and other projects that I just had to realize were not going to get done.
I'm worried about DH's health. He's been overweight for years and personal hygiene has never been his strong suit. He makes motions to do something about his health - he's gone through a number of different fad diets in the last couple of years and makes noise about exercising, but it never amounts to anything.
I know I'm not perfect. I don't communicate well and I get frustrated easily. Our sex life is nearing non-existent.
I've told him many times over the years that things need to change. That I need him more involved and that I need him to be on the computer less. As the boys get older, I'm seeing them slip into the same computer habits and it makes me so angry and sad. We don't see eye-to-eye on most parenting issues, though, so he's never supporting any parenting choices I make.
I'm just at such a loss right now. The last couple of years it's all become too much. But, I don't know what to do. Some days, I feel as though I should leave - that this is an unhealthy relationship for the boys and I, but I'm scared to leave, especially financially. On the other hand, it's not that bad - it's not abusive, we're comfortable financially; maybe I'm overreacting - I don't want to divorce.
If you've made it this far, I truly appreciate it and hope you can give me some thoughts.