I am sorry you didn't feel safe at your last birth, and also do not totally trust your current care. You deserve more and better than that.
Here's some info on the end signs of the second stage of labor (how to know when to call because you are close)
Fetal Ejection Reflex & The Urge to Push
The Fetal Ejection Reflex
The fetal ejection reflex is caused by the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin release happens naturally when the atmosphere is carefully guarded and the mother feels safe and confident As a hormonal response, the fetal ejection reflex is highly sensitive to the environment. Dr. Michael Odent explains:
“The passage towards the fetus ejection reflex is inhibited by any interference with the state of privacy. It does not occur if there is a birth attendant who behaves like a ‘coach’, or an observer, or a helper, or a guide, or a ‘support person’. It can be inhibited by vaginal exams, by an eye-to-eye contact, or by the imposition of a change of environment. It does not occur if the intellect of the laboring woman is stimulated by a rational language (‘Now you are at complete dilation; you must push’). It does not occur if the room is not warm enough or if there are bright lights
The strong contractions of an authentic ejection reflex will fill the mother with confidence and energy—she will have a wonderful and irresistible desire to get into a powerful upright position. Part of the reason this upright posture is instinctively assumed is because it helps protect the pelvic floor from tearing.
The Urge To Push
The urge to push is a complimentary but different reflex that is caused physiologically not hormonally; and it usually starts to build 10-60 minutes after full dilation. Some mothers experience both, some neither, and some mothers experience one without the other. The urge to push is spontaneous and overpowering. It is most often triggered when the presenting part descends and applies pressure to the rectum and pelvic floor. As the baby’s head descends through the birth passage, the location of any pressure that the mother feels will progressively move downward. Eventually the mother will begin to feel rectal pressure, as if she needs to have a bowel movement. The urge to push usually correlates with this sensation. Pushing feels to many women as though their bodies are already pushing starting at the beginning of the contraction and that they merely joining their breath and attention to the effort. If the mother is not sure, there is no harm done in letting the sensation build until external signs of imminent birth are observed or the urge is irresistible. If the urge to push only comes at the end of a contraction, and not the beginning, the mother can continue to wait and breath through contraction
Because this urge is not dependent on the cervix being fully dilated but rather on the pressure being applied to the pelvic floor, it is possible that the mother could start to push before full cervical dilation. The urge to push is dependent on pelvic floor pressure not full cervical dilation. Alternatively, the cervix could be fully dilated without descent sufficient to trigger pushing which is one cause of the common pause in labor between the first and second stages. A well-toned pelvic floor seems to be correlated with a mother sensing an urge to push at the most helpful time for her birth.
The common means to confirm that full dilation has occurred is to do a cervical examination. Since the examiner in an unassisted birth scenario may not have trained hands to know with total confidence whether the baby’s head has fully passed the cervix, another option is to wait for external rather than internal signs of progress. The external signs of imminent birth include a distended bulge in the vagina, perineum, and rectum. The external signs of imminent birth include a distended bulge in the vagina, perineum, and rectum.
(SB: Signs That Delivery Is Imminent Include:
· Increase in bloody show or discharge; often the membranes rupture if they haven’t already
· The mother may experience the desire to bear down
· Tonally, the mother may grunt during contractions or at the end of exhales
· The mother experiences a pressure in the rectum similar (and sometimes mistaken for) a desire to have a bowel movement
· The perineum flattens and then bulges[i])
[i] Oxorn-Foot. Human Labor & Birth. 5th Edition. East Norwalk: Appleton-Century-Crofts Publishers. 1986. P 128