Dalia, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Four is the "Mom, Mom, Mom, MOOOOM, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" age. It's kind of difficult without a newborn in the mix.
My older two were only 26 months apart, so my older child's antics were "age appropriate" for a 2 year old. One expects some.... irritating behavior from 2 year olds, especially through the filter of having a newborn, newborn hormones and being sleep deprived. I can imagine how difficult it would be with a more "mature" child who still is a young child and doesn't really understand why you don't have all the time in the world for him. Kids are self centered, I think that goes without saying. It's age appropriate, but still difficult at times.
I found with my first two that making things really fun while the baby was awake worked better for us. Then the older child thought, "Oh, fun things happen with Baby is awake." And she looked forward to that time, rather than wishing the baby were asleep or not there at all. I also would have us both nap during the baby's naps. Oh how I prayed for both kids to nap at the same time. They went through stages where they took turns napping so I never had a peaceful moment. I swear they plotted it! (Yeah. A 2 year old and a newborn had a spread sheet and CIA style planning to keep me on my toes and awake all the time.....) I also sometimes did some things with the 2 year old that we didn't do frequently, like finger painting (I hate finger painting) on rare occasion when the baby napped, as these were things we couldn't do with a new baby in arms easily. It's also difficult because of the weather, I don't know where you live, but a new baby just as winter is arriving can be difficult when you can't get outside easily. Maybe taking a short walk with baby bundled in the sling and 4 year old bundled will help him burn off some energy. Even if it's just around the block. Or even a trip to the mall. I found getting OUT with both kids energizing (and exhausting at the same time.) But at least we changed our mood and got out of the house. Cabin Fever setting in early this year is really hard for everyone.
I don't have any answers for you. I just know it's hard. Sometimes working at "catching them being 'good'" works in times like these. So you 4 year old knows you are "looking at" him and paying attention. Maybe some really dedicated time with him, at a time when the baby would be happy to just hang out in the sling, so he can get the attention and recognition 4 year olds need would be helpful. Making puppets for a puppet show he can put on would be fun. I found out the hard way that I had to let the kids know ahead of time the puppet show will have a time limit. About 15 minutes is about it. I would let them know ahead of time, and set a timer, otherwise we'd be there all day. The kids could play with the puppets after of course, but I made it clear I was only going to be a captive audience for a specified period of time. This kind of thing plays right into the need for "Look at me!" 4s have.
Does he go to Nursery School or PreSchool? I found that really helpful for all my kids, but when DD1 started PreSchool when DD2 was a year old, it gave us a break from each other a few times a week for an hour or two and gave me time to have alone time with the baby, do some shopping or rest, if someone else was picking her up from preschool. It's usually only an hour and a half or two hours 2-3 times a week in most Nursery Schools, but it provides the older child with some social time and may cut down on the burn out you are experiencing.
One more suggestion: Is your 4 year old in Pull Ups during the day or just at night? I found my kids did really well with cloth training pants (the ones with the really thick middles) during the day, before they were using the toilet, because Pull Ups don't feel wet. A few accidents with wet pants in mid winter and my kids learned pretty quickly how uncomfortable it was to have cold pee running down your leg, and that it was preferable to use the toilet consistently. (With two of them, DD 2 was one of those kids who learned to use the potty overnight herself.) If he's only in Pull Ups at night, it may be more difficult. Maybe make using the potty before we get in bed with Mama and the Baby a prerequisite would help. We had a "use the potty before getting into bed with Mama and Papa, even with toddlers in cloth diapers and it helped a lot with middle of the night changing of sheets. You said he screams if asked, but I would go potty myself, (to "show them Mama does it too") and make the potty before bed sharing non-negotiable. Of course, it depends on the temperament of the child, if it's going to turn into a power struggle, it would be useless (you could try 3 nights, working on being really non-emotional about any of his outbursts if you can) and see how it works) so then going to a more absorbent diaper and/or a new diaper might help.
Hugs, Mama. This is a rough time. I hope things get better.
Edited by MaggieLC - 12/4/13 at 7:38am