DH and I have been fighting for a few years now. He lost his job immediately after we married, about the same time I got pregnant w/DS1 (we've been married almost 5yrs). He's never gotten a much better job, so we are very low income, he's also never looked, his current job came from a recommendation. We've moved several times, had another baby and now am due w/the third in FEb (a very unplanned pregnancy that I'm still grieving about-I did not want to get pregnant and was a fluke after a year of barely having sex after DS2 was born). The stress of being poor, having the kids, moving, etc. has taken it's toll on both of us. He's depressed I'm sure and is a totally different person. He doesn't eat, gets angry all the time, yelling at the kids, and says it's my job to help him. Meanwhile I'm doing everything I can to help myself and kids.
Every time we talk about it he assures me he'll try harder, look for better work, take care of himself, be nicer, etc. It never changes. I'm pretty sure I haven't been in love with him for the last year or two and he knows this. I don't think he loves me either, judging from his changed behavior towards me. I've threatened divorce for a year or more, threats get him moving...for a few days/week, then it's back to same ole.
My plan has been to wait till baby comes and file afterward. THis way I'm in a better position to get a part-time job to support us (he's already says we can have the house which is much lower mortgage than a rent would ever be). However, sometimes I can't stand being around him and if he's mad at me he yells and takes it out on the kids (not physically abusive but mean).
I guess my main concern is are these feelings more hormone related? I've been breastfeeding and/or pregnant almost since marriage and have huge hormonal issues. What if I regret it after having a baby and not the raging pregnancy hormones? Is the stress of divorce while pregnant greater than the stress of having someone around like this? I feel like I'm doing my baby a disservice onot being married when s/he is born-is that crazy? In the end, maybe I'm just so scared to be alone w/three little kids and no real close friends...I'm finding it hard to think this through clearly. Unfortunately he won't agree to separation so it's stay together or make it final w/divorce. And no money at all for counseling (we talk our ears off about this anyway so don't see how that would help).
Any advice or experiences would be helpful. Thanks