Dh scheduled his vasectomy for January and I am so unbelievably sad. We talked about it after the birth of our third last November and I was on board 100% but now that it is really happening I feel this total sense of loss (if that makes sense). DH and I had all our babies in our thirties within five years so now that our youngest has turned 1yr I feel it's time to get pregnant. It feels so strange not to be preparing for that but instead the exact opposite.
It's like my heart and brain are battling. When we discussed having a third and being done I was and am in agreement for so many reasons. Financially we are comfortable (teetering but comfortable) even with two in daycare. Three LO's ages 4, 2, and 1 has definitely maxed out our patience/sanity threshold but we are able to maintain. I'm glad to get my body back after five years. My goal was to be finished by the time I turned 37, mission accomplished. These are all the logical reasons that being done makes sense.
Then there is my heart that is absolutely mourning never creating life again or caressing my smooth, swollen belly and whispering sweet sentiments to my little boy or girl inside. I will never breastfeed another newborn or labor to bring another child into this world. My heart just breaks knowing this. The thing is I don't think another child would cure it because I thought surely the third one would. I was so prepared (or so I thought) that I would be fine with being done after three. I am shocked to find that I this may not be the case, and perhaps I will always feel a sense of loss, even if I went on to have more. I confuse even myself because I want to be done, feel done. I just don't know if I ever will not be sad about it.
I'm rambling and just wanted to get it out. Thanks to whomever takes the time to listen.