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We're done and I am in mourning.

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

Dh scheduled his vasectomy for January and I am so unbelievably sad.  We talked about it after the birth of our third last November and I was on board 100% but now that it is really happening I feel this total sense of loss (if that makes sense).  DH and I had all our babies in our thirties within five years so now that our youngest has turned 1yr I feel it's time to get pregnant.  It feels so strange not to be preparing for that but instead the exact opposite. 


It's like my heart and brain are battling.  When we discussed having a third and being done I was and am in agreement for so many reasons.  Financially we are comfortable (teetering but comfortable) even with two in daycare.  Three LO's ages 4, 2, and 1 has definitely maxed out our patience/sanity threshold but we are able to maintain.  I'm glad to get my body back after five years.  My goal was to be finished by the time I turned 37, mission accomplished.  These are all the logical reasons that being done makes sense. 


Then there is my heart that is absolutely mourning never creating life again or caressing my smooth, swollen belly and whispering sweet sentiments to my little boy or girl inside.  I will never breastfeed another newborn or labor to bring another child into this world.  My heart just breaks knowing this.  The thing is I don't think another child would cure it because I thought surely the third one would.  I was so prepared (or so I thought) that I would be fine with being done after three.  I am shocked to find that I this may not be the case, and perhaps I will always feel a sense of loss, even if I went on to have more.  I confuse even myself because I want to be done, feel done.  I just don't know if I ever will not be sad about it.


I'm rambling and just wanted to get it out.  Thanks to whomever takes the time to listen.

post #2 of 10
Aw, I hear ya, and I feel for u! I know all too well the wanting a baby even when it's very illogical. I totally get the mourning a *chance* to have another. Feeling a baby move inside you, nursing, and just inhaling the heavenly smell of your baby's head resting on your chest. There's nothing else in the world quite like it! I almost got my tubes tied after delivering my forth. My logic was, if I end up with an epidural then I'll do it, but I don't wanna be put under. Well I didn't get an epidural, and I'm really glad I'm not fixed. I like the idea of leaving that chance out there for my future.

Besides, you might wanna research the *big V* cause I have heard,though idk if it's true, that it can cause so many health problems, one of which is auto immune, because the body keeps producing sperm, and they flood out of the "holding area" and then the body sees foreign intruders, but the same DNA so then the body begins attacking itself. But, just something to look into. Good luck!
post #3 of 10

((Hug)) Simonsez2u, I understand how you are feeling and how hard it is to decide something you are not feeling 100% confident about. Now, I've got 3 boys and told DH after both births of my two youngest that I never wanted to do that again! Lol. But I have to admit that I really think I do want one more, even though I was the one demanding dh get a V. From what I've been told from others, mothers do feel a sense of being done making new life at some point, not indefinitely, although each of our desires might have a different threshold. Thinking that I wouldn't go through this wonderfulhard process one ore time makes me feel deeply sad, so I am thrilled that dh is allowing a discussion about the possibility of one more to be ongoing. Maybe it is worth talking it out, more than once with your dh to see if you can both feel good about your decision.

post #4 of 10
I feel the same. We have stopped at two for many good, valid reasons. And, for my whole life I have pictured myself with two children. I had a tubal ligation with my second c/s and I am sad about no more babies. But, like you, I think I would always be sad about the end of that period of my life. Whether it came after 2 or 4 or 10 babies, at some point there will come a time where I won't be pregnant again and won't have a newborn again. I think it is just a loss I have to work through, like any other loss.

Glad I'm not the only one though :-)
post #5 of 10

OP, how are you feeling now?  Did your DH get snipped?  Do you feel at peace with the decision and have some closure, or are you still grieving?  I can really relate to your sense of loss and mourning and I'm still struggling with it.

post #6 of 10
Thread Starter 
I do feel a little better but I still go back and forth. My husband decided to put it off so he hasn't gotten snipped. I secretly wonder if he doesn't go because he too wants to hang on to the possibility. The more time that goes by the more I think that it would be a real challenge to add another child and i feel that what we have is perfect. On the other hand it still makes me sad which I think is natural. However, until DH actually gets the big V who knows.
post #7 of 10

That's great you're feeling a bit better about it all.  I do think it must be natural to feel sad about ending this chapter in our lives and perhaps some women feel it more acutely than others.  My DH and I are still flip flopping daily about whether or not we're done - we certainly feel like our hands are full with 3 now - but on the days I really feel we should be done, I'm deeply sad at that thought.  But sadness alone is not a reason to have another child, that's for sure.  I envy those women who seem so sure of their decision to not have any more babies!  Wishing you all the best :-)

post #8 of 10
Thread Starter 
I know I wish I was was one of those women too! Best wishes to you as well smile.gif
post #9 of 10

I can definitely relate to how you feel. Before I had kids I wanted 4 but after having the first two so close together I was overwhelmed. Since we had a girl and a boy I thought hey that's perfect and I was done... for the moment. When the third came along I definitely thought that things were perfect and it was over and at the time it was. Now that the oldest two are in school and my little one is almost 3 I think about it sometimes.


I think our family is perfect for so many reasons... with 3 we have enough to give them what we want and even if we're struggling it's not too bad on us. It's still feasible to have each have their own room in a 4 bedroom and with a 4th or more this wouldn't be possible at all. I do have a minivan but we *could* fit reasonably in a car if we ever wanted/needed to. I can afford to put all three in sports/activities etc or buy them each their own X if I'd like to but with more that wouldn't be possible. I do have the kids share a lot of things and we don't over spoil or go overboard with things but it's nice to know I can afford to give them their own something if I want and if we had 4+ I just don't think that'd be reasonable anymore. My kids are oldest girl (first baby), middle boy (only boy), and little girl (baby)... I know this sounds silly and each kid is ALWAYS loved and special but this set up gives each their own standing that makes them special. No middle kid syndrome since my middle is the only boy. (Ok... that opinion came from my middle child lil sis but she has a point LOL). 


I have switched back and forth so much though and at times really really want another and while I love having kids and would love more kids I think it's more my mourning the pregnancy/bfing/baby stuff phase than anything. Not that I wouldn't love to have more kids I think we have a good thing with handling our 3 kids and more would just stretch the time and money unnecessarily. I also truly feel that one more baby will not cure my mourning. I think a 4th is only going to make me want a 5th and 6th and I'm not sure even a 6th would stop me wanting a 7th. In some ways dd getting bigger makes me mourn knowing this is over but then I get busy doing things with the kids and think what a good thing we have and hey they're almost all *kids* now and in school. I've decided to wait and if I really truly want another and it's worth it to me it'll still be worth it later on down the road.

post #10 of 10

I have been struggling with this for the last year or so maybe more really. Its that shadow that follows me, the whisper that wakes me in the night, the ache in my body when I see a new born, a nursing baby or a pregnant woman. I have 2 lovely boys who are super great kids, healthy, happy, smart and developmentally stellar. I couldnt ask for more (not that if they had complications I would feel any less about them). But there is this need in me to hve another baby. To feel it grow and move inside of me, to go into labor again and bring forth a new life, to nurse the new baby and watch him/her develop into the person they are ment to be. I am capable of having more children but I am getting close to a more risky age and I feel that even though the option is on the table - taunting me - that I cannot even look at it. I feel so cheated on this oppertunity. I want more children but DH does not and it makes me wonder just a bit if I choose the right spouse, we had talked about this before we married that we would have 3 children. I am sure I was far more serious about it than he was and he is very worried about finances even though we have nothing to worry about, and being able to retire and he brings up consistantly how wonderful it will be when the boys are grown and on their own and we no longer have children in the house. I wonder why I didnt talk to him about this so many years ago. I do not look forward to the time that the boys are gone, not at all. I wont hold them back but this is not something I care to think about. I am so jelious of people who have more than two children. I get so angry at the women who are supplying the foster agencies with children, the parents who abuse or kill their children, the families who continue to have children but don't really want them. I see the families I know who are struggling with infertility or baby loss and my heart breaks for them.  And I am typing all this while my 3 yr old is trying to give me a mental break down :) god bless the little tyrant.  


My heart is aching for this loss of possibility.....

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