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Devastated over husband not wanting more children.

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

I am a mother of two girls, ages 3 and 6. I have been having very strong feelings about wanting to TTC. After a few conversations with DH he finally agreed to "consider getting off of birth control and just see what happens". Yesterday I had an appointment to have my IUD removed. He knew about the appointment but was still "considering" and had not given me a final answer. Yesterday morning before he left to work we had a short but final discussion about the matter. I needed to know whether or not to go to the appointment or cancel. He said NO. He says he is just happy with the family we have now and feels no need or want for another.

 I am absolutely devastated. I feel such a strong want and need for another. I know I don't just want to have a baby and go through the cute baby phase. I want to be pregnant and feel a human baby growing inside of me. I want to give our two girls a younger sibling. I want to expand our family. I want to raise another child. I am trying to not be angry at DH, but since yesterday we have not spoken and I find it difficult to even look at him. I have cried and cried. I think about it constantly. I am so upset I cry on and off all day. I am afraid I am going into a state of depression. I don't want to be resentful for the rest of my life but I am afraid I will always look back and think and wish what could have been. Has anyone else gotten through this? What do I do???

post #2 of 8
Well one important thing is that you are IMHO *not* required to contracept if your heart desires more children. No one owns your womb, not even your DH. If *he* does not want children, the very *least* he could do is bear the contraceptive burden. Meaning wear condoms or get a Vasectomy. It may not be prudent for you to push that issue right now, however, a fundamental perspective shift in which you realize that you are free to not have an IUD for someone else's BC wishes may help, long term, IMHO.
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 

Thank you! I never thought of our BC situation this way. I always felt kind of like contraception was my responsibility because its "easier". But you make a great point in saying that "If *he* does not want children, the very *least* he could do is bear the contraceptive burden."

post #4 of 8
Contraception choice is different than the issue of having more children or not. It sounded like you were saying the OP should go off contraception _because_ she wants more kids. Like a planned for "oops."

But I agree that no one should feel required to maintain an invasive form of contraception that they don't want.


If it works in your marriage for your DH to be solely responsible for birth control (while knowing that he is 100% responsible) then that could be a solution.

In any case, I'm sorry you're not on the same page regarding planning your family right now.
post #5 of 8
I want one more, and until recently, DJ did not. I told him I was not going to prevent, that if he did not more, it was up to him. he didn't like it, but he was aware, and I didn't have to deal with bc. he has since changed his mind, so I'm glad he wasn't willing to get a vasectomy. But I say as long as he is aware, if you don't want the burden of the being the one that has to use contraception, don't be. best of luck. if he seemed in the fence before telling you his decision, maybe not all hope is lost. My DH is a stubborn man, I was sure he'd never change his mind, and he did.
post #6 of 8

To the OP, how are you doing?  I know your pain and am thinking of you. It is so hard when you are on opposite sides of such an emotional issue.  I have friends who have been on the same side regarding having another baby and have tried to move mountains to make it happen. I can't even imagine.

post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 

Thank you for your response. DH agreed that it was okay for me to go off of birth control, although he is still not completely on board with the idea of having another. He has agreed to "just see what happens". We have agreed on a short time frame (only a few months) of "trying" so I am nervous that it is not going to happen. My cycle still seems irregular. I don't plan on going back on birth control any time soon but DH knows that he can begin to use contraception whenever he would like. I am still desperately hoping that I will get pregnant. DH has said that he will be perfectly happy with our family the way it is but that he knows if I got pregnant he would love our third child just as much as our first two and be happy. I currently feel like I just don't know if this will happen for us and I am struggling with trying to accept and be happy with the wonderful life and family we have and not get my hopes too high.

post #8 of 8

You are so lucky he agreed!  I am in the same boat (see my thread under Family Planning), and I worry about my husband being able to handle another baby.  I think he may say ok to try, but he, too, is really happy with the family we have.  He also really struggled with the lack of sleep the first year, and worries about it impacting his career.  Good luck trying and keep us updated!!  I'm sure you will get pregnant.  Just make sure to go to bed naked while you are ovulating ;) Hehe

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