I have always tried to do everything 'right'.... I followed Mothering and the forums before I even conceived my son (now almost 7). We co-slept (still do, works for us) I breast fed for 3 years, stayed with him while dad worked (I'm single now) and a firm believer in gentle discipline. So how did this happen?
I have become not only the mother I never wanted to be, but worse.
I'm really beside myself and need advice badly. I hate myself and what I have become. I disgust myself and literally feel sick to my stomach. Each day I tell myself I will handle it better, but it all seems out of control.
Yesterday was the breaking point. When I picked him up at the bus stop he ran from me all the way home in the near dark, on a curvy road without a side walk. I never caught him. I was terrified he would get hit and was freaking out inside. I was calm though at home and tried to send him to his room (mostly so I could calm myself). he refused. I called his father to speak with him about how dangerous that was, and it just got worse from there. He attacked me physically with his toys as hard as he could, hurting me, and I freaked out.
I said things I couldn't believe, I put my hands on him, I spanked... I was really, really mean.
Then I said something that made him break into full-on tears... he was in shock...I was in shock... I will never ever forgive myself for saying it. Awful, awful, awful.
Just when he needs the most reassurance I do the worst thing possible.
(**** To give a some recent background, and this is not to be taken as an excuse for anything, I was assaulted (to the point my life was in danger) a few months ago when I left someone I was dating. I never saw it coming. It took two months to receive therapy for the trauma, and in that time I just did it alone. It is now a legal case and I can't speak of it except to my lawyer and therapist. )
This is not my son's fault. He shouldn't be paying for my anxiety or stress. I have to wear so many masks every day to hide the pain and fear from my son, friends, even just walking down the street...
I'm glad to have gotten out of the relationship in one piece, but my son is paying hard even though he knows nothing of the assault. How could I do this to him, this little person who needs me so much, and who I love beyond words?
We spoke about it last night and again this morning, I apologized, and explained how wrong it was. He seemed to understand but he is still hurting of course. I found the other thread and read it last night. So helpful and full of wisdom.
Mamas, when you're going through your own personal hell, how do you keep it together for your kids, stay present, problem-solve?? How do you recover their trust, if ever? And do you ever really trust yourself again??
I have lots of good books but my concentration is terrible right now. I thought the advice about pretending to be a great mom was really good and am trying that - this morning went well... What's haunting me is that I can never, ever undo the damage done. How do you live with that?
Thanks for any insight <3