or Connect
Mothering › Groups › August 2014 Due Date Club › Discussions › Unplanned pregnancy

Unplanned pregnancy

post #1 of 118
Thread Starter 
I've been debating whether to create this thread. I know there are people in this DDC who've tried so hard for their babies and I can't even imagine how annoying it would be to bump into someone like me who wants to whine about how easily she gets pregnant.

But I've noticed others who've mentioned that their pregnancies were unplanned too, and I'd really love a place where we could talking about all of our associated excitements and disappointments.

This is my third unplanned pregnancy. I got pregnant once on the pill (never missed a day), once while using a condom and this pregnancy I was using FAM and not sure if it was the pullout method three days before O (DH pulled out a good five minutes before he finished) or the unprotected sex 3 dpo that did us in but obviously something went wrong somewhere! Sorry if TMI but I'm still trying to figure out what happened...

I had been really starting to feel done and like my family was complete. Hubby was sure he was done, and we had started serious research on the "Big V." I was starting to workout again, to write again professionally and was starting to look forward to not having tiny kids anymore. We also just started my oldest (she's 4) at Waldorf and we love it and were hoping to be able to scrimp to afford that for both kiddos down the road...

What's that saying, that when you make plans, God laughs? I am not a religious person, but I consider my surpregnancy with DD 2 to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. It taught me that I don't always know what's best and that surprises can be amazing!!!

I'm trying to hold on to that knowledge, to remember that I was a little depressed when I found out about her, too. To remember how amazingly important she turned out to be for our family! I'm trying not to constantly stress about money and stress and energy.

But sometimes I do need to vent a little. When I go to hubby, it makes me sad because he has even more anxiety/ uncertainty about this pg than I do!! And one of my friends was horrified when I told her about my negative feelings. I think you really can't understand if you haven't been there.

I know how blessed I am to never have dealt with a loss or infertility. But I sometimes feel overwhelmed at this burden. I'm hoping you mamas can help.

One thing that has always helped me in the past, that is almost like a mantra for me, is that nine months is a long time, that a lot can change in nine months. With DD2, the month before she was born found me hungry for another baby. I felt so lucky that I wouldn't have to wait. smile.gif
post #2 of 118
We're in the same boat. With DD1, I was on the pill (though not terrific at taking it). DD2 was planned and we got pregnant the first month we tried. We were pretty sure we wanted to have a third, but I SO SO SO wanted to finish school first. Didn't communicate properly to DH that we weren't safe, so he didn't pull out. Even though Fertility Friend said that we had a low probablitiy of getting pregnant based on our timing of sex, it still happened.

At first I cried. DH was there with me and surprisingly stepped right up to the plate. No wayward glances or anything. He said at least we'll be getting through the tiny children part of our lives sooner!

Over the next few days I got used to it. We decided to tell people we weren't really trying or not trying, just so we're not the people always getting pregnant on accident. Then I started spotting. I've continued to spot off and on for over a week and go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. Most of me is fiercely wishing for everything to be okay, especially now that I've come to terms with plans changing. A very small part of me though feels like at least our plans can go back to original if this baby doesn't make it. I feel horrible about it!
post #3 of 118
Feel free to share here. If you truly believe in Waldorf pedagogy, you also know that our spirit babies look down from the heavens and cross the rainbow bridge and choose US to be their parents. Whether we have been trying for years or get pregnant even while doing everything to prevent... Remember this baby chose YOU because he/she knows that you will be the perfect parent for that spirit.

Hugs. It's never easy when it comes to topics like this and so many people struggle with infertility. You can vent here and I will definitely keep my heart and mind open to listen!
post #4 of 118
Thread Starter 
Oh thank you guys SO much!!

Lactating Girl, I'm sure I would feel just like you right now. I've caught myself almost wishing for a mc, but then a few min later I'll get a cramp and pray fervantly that babe is OK. I'm hoping you'll be through this tough period soon. A dear friend bled through most of her first trimester and her little guy just turned one! Big hugs to you!!
post #5 of 118

I understand. I'm pg with #8. I'm 42. I have 2 grandchildren. I was finally going to be able to attend seated classes next semester and maybe finish my Journalism degree within a couple of years. That's all out the window now. 

 

But it's okay. 

 

I mourned my sixth pregnancy. The whole time. I had the most wonderful, happy, content baby I've had. He never got his nights and days mixed up and didn't get colic (so no elimination diet for me). He was just perfect. I determined that I would never, ever do that again! I was happy for #7 and am happy for #8, even though I am a little surprised. DH is sloooowly coming along, but I give him a break because he carries the bulk of the financial burden for us all. 

 

I think it's normal to feel the way you do, and it's also normal to feel more and more excited throughout the pregnancy. 

post #6 of 118
Thread Starter 
When I look into the future, I know I will be delighted to have a third child, a third teenager, a third college graduation and adult relationship to cherish.

But right now I just can't think much about a newborn, just turned 2-year-old and just turned 5-year- old. That part sounds TERRIFYING to me. Especially the newborn part! I'm just so not excited for the baby part!! Which is so funny because I was crazy about both of my babes and I was a fountain of grace and patience, if I do say so myself. I just worry I'm "all out" of newborn, kwim wink1.gif?

Sometimes I worry I'm "all out" of natural childbirth, too. I'm so lucky to have had natural births with both my babes, but intense doesn't even begin to cover it...
post #7 of 118
Ultrasound went great. All is good. DH and I were both mostly happy, but a little sad too. It feels so weird! DH just kept saying "three kids" over and over on the drive home. Lol
post #8 of 118
Omg, I can so relate. I am 44, had four children before I was even 30. My baby is now 16. My ex and I divorced after a very unhappy 21 year marriage. My children were my focus for years. I recently pursued a life long dream of mine and started my own business, was planning on staying single for a good while and just enjoying my life solo and traveling.

Started seeing someone casually back in November. Someone I've known for a year, who was more of a friend. Well, we decided to take things to the next level and the one time we were intimate I got pregnant.

I would never judge anyone for having an abortion, but I just couldn't do it.
So, after 26 years of raising children, I am starting all over again.

I will admit that I too had moments where I'd hoped I'd miscarry and then when cramping would hit me, I too found myself praying that the baby was ok.

I am financially secure, the baby's father is very involved and supportive, but honestly , I'm not ready to make a life long commitment to someone just because I'm pregnant.

So yeah, I feel ya.
post #9 of 118

AAAAAGH!  just came on to almost start this thread.

 

2 days before i realized i needed to take a pregnancy test, i ordered a matron of honor dress, custom made.

 

i was so happy.  and 2 days later i learned i was pregnant.

 

Dress arrived today, so finding this thread was such a blessing!!!!  it still fits, but, you know, not quite....

 

and hi to my 2 friends who were in the TRYING TO AVOID forum!!!!

 

and husband and i have been on the edge of a fight every day since.  he was done.  like big V done.  but i wasn't quite.

 

and we didn't even really take a chance- it was crazy.  we had a 7 dry days, and so instead of waiting for bedtime, at 5:30 pm, we snuck in some intimate time.  and at 10:30 that night i had fertile mucus.  WTF???

the next morning 1 more show of EWCM, then dry.  completely dry for 2 days.

 

then ovulation a full 6 days later.

 

5 kids is a lot.  we had 3 we tried for (or more accurately, 1 we tried for, and 2 we took a calculated risk on) and 1 condom baby, one withdrawal/totally ??? baby, and this one.

 

i do agree that my unplanneds (though initially kind of unwanteds, hoping for m/c before positive tests) did not stay unwanted.  my 3rd, conceived when my 2nd was 10 months old, was such an easy pregnancy, hard birth, but best baby ever!!!  slept alone, through the day, at night, just the sweetest and most gentle souled little lady.  she's regal.  and my 4th, also a surprise when number 3 was 9 months old, was an easy pregnancy (there was a strange rash, but i've forgotten all about it!) and an orgasmic delivery- i joked that she crawled right out.

 

i do strongly feel that these lives are meant to happen, and that they come in the right time.  it's hard b/c cerebrally i also believe i should wait between pregnancies and all that.  but i know this one is mine, that this one has chosen to be born, and that this one is going to be a blessing for me and mine and even though we're trying NOT to fight about it, it's gonna be okay.

 

my husband is still having a hard time.  but w/ the Dr diagnosing me a 'threatened miscarriage' i realized I WANT THIS ONE.  but, i also think this one wants to be and will be in spite of medical diagnoses.

 

i had some blood from constipation this morning and jumped sky high.  but i also have peace that this one will be.

 

praying for all you mamas!  unplanned is hard.  but i do tend to talk to my babies and apologize for being angry, overwhelmed, disappointed and tell them that i am happy they're here and that i do love them very much.   i do suspect this will be my last, though my husband has pointed out w/ our odds, even if he does the big V, we could always get another surprise!!!

 

6 kids.  happy, overwhelmed, and rather dreading birth.  i wish i had happy birth stories, but i'm pretty much familiar w/ long, drawn out, back labor prone births.  i hate that part.  but really really excited about a baby!  my kids find out on Christmas.  

post #10 of 118

We are here unplanned.  I also feel bad for the people around me that struggle with infertility.  I honestly expected to be among them.  I was AMA when I started with a history of PCOS and all that entails.

 

We had one other unplanned pregnancy and we lost that one just as we were gearing up to start sharing the news.  That plus the fact that we had agreed to be done makes for a strange limbo this time.  I'm ready to accept this blessing and begin making adjustments to accommodate him or her, but if we loose this child we won't be planning another...so any purchases can't be justified as they could with previous pregnancies.  I'm a huge planner...but I don't feel like I can move forward, so I'm stuck staring at the difficulties inherent in adding a 3rd child to our daily routine.

post #11 of 118
Thread Starter 
Today was beyond rough. My morning sickness has kicked in and my 2 year old is miserable at the breast. Like crazy, sobbing, gnashing and foaming at the mouth miserable. She has cried more in the last two days than the last year. I think she seems heartbroken that the "nahnee" is gone and it's like she thinks I've betrayed her. It's so, so sad.

Add to that the exhaustion and my Unisom-induced stupor and constant nausea and I just feel like I'm in this miserable bizarro version of my life. I miss my life, honestly. I know this all just happened, but everything is changing so fast and I hate it.
post #12 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandmleona View Post
 

We are here unplanned.  I also feel bad for the people around me that struggle with infertility.  I honestly expected to be among them.  I was AMA when I started with a history of PCOS and all that entails.

 

We had one other unplanned pregnancy and we lost that one just as we were gearing up to start sharing the news.  That plus the fact that we had agreed to be done makes for a strange limbo this time.  I'm ready to accept this blessing and begin making adjustments to accommodate him or her, but if we loose this child we won't be planning another...so any purchases can't be justified as they could with previous pregnancies.  I'm a huge planner...but I don't feel like I can move forward, so I'm stuck staring at the difficulties inherent in adding a 3rd child to our daily routine.

I remind my husband of the pain that comes with infertility. I feel blessed not to deal with that issue but still ...

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BallardBaby View Post

Today was beyond rough. My morning sickness has kicked in and my 2 year old is miserable at the breast. Like crazy, sobbing, gnashing and foaming at the mouth miserable. She has cried more in the last two days than the last year. I think she seems heartbroken that the "nahnee" is gone and it's like she thinks I've betrayed her. It's so, so sad.

Add to that the exhaustion and my Unisom-induced stupor and constant nausea and I just feel like I'm in this miserable bizarro version of my life. I miss my life, honestly. I know this all just happened, but everything is changing so fast and I hate it.

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope your 2yo adjusts better today. Mine wants to nurse a lot. A lot. I've started counting to 5 and he happily unlatches ... most of the time ;)

post #13 of 118

Hi, thank goodness someone started this thread. I feel so guilty and I don't post much here because I see most mamas are excited about the pregnancy and I'm just...blah. I always thought it would be nice to have another but I didn't really want to do it. My first child...in 07 was hard for me to conceive. So I have been on the other side as well. After the first one, I figured I'd have to try really hard to ever get pregnant again...but I didn't, and I was pregnant a year later. Same with number 3. We were only half being careful with number 3. This time, I was on the mini-pill and got pregnant 2.5 years after number three was born. So that's 1 planned and now 3 surprises. 

 

It's hard every day because I just do not want to be pregnant. I get very very sick with pregnancy and it's getting worse as I get older. I'm very tired and I'm afraid there's more than one in there because of how sick and tired I am. I'm being a terrible mother to my others because I have no energy. Weirdly enough, it's not even so much another child that frightens me or makes me sad, I hate pregnancy and birth. I've had one natural and 2 sections, and they all scare me. If I was to be told I would have to have this child today with no pregnancy and no childbirth I wouldn't mind so much. It's like having the flu for 9 months for me and I've never been 'good' at childbirth. But also the timing is a little bad, being tight on money and I'm in the middle of just starting out my own dance classes. 

 

I haven't told many people, just parents and a couple of close friends. No facebook announcing, no extended family announcing, nothing like that. I don't want to have to discuss the logistics of my birth control with these people.

 

I get comments that I must want to be like The Duggars, that me and husband must not know what causes this, that I must not believe in birth control, that we'd better get snipped and I was told my two stepgrandmothers last summer that I'm finally getting my figure back, so don't go and have any more children.

post #14 of 118

:Hug

 

or more accurately, i'll speak for the other mamas too-

:grouphug

 

here's hoping you can find a way to make this pregnancy less miserable!  i love pregnancy but HATE LABOR AND DELIVERY.  really, really, hate labor.  i don't mind that last bit of pushing them out so much b/c i hate labor so much.

 

as for the figure comments- i'm a health counselor and dance when i can (when there are people willing to dance w/ me!) and i hear that all the time.  and actually the other comments too!!!

 

surrender.gif

 

working on smart-ass responses.  will post them when i get them perfected.

post #15 of 118

Thank you House of Peace! (Sorry, don't know any 'real' names yet)

 

I don't know why I'm such an easy target for these types of comments from people. I think we always sort of thought we'd have three but four...ahh.

 

I saw in my last post it looks like I'm just taking dance classes, ha, but I meant to say I'm teaching them. I just started teaching since July. So it's sort of a 'trying to start out my own business' type of situation and I feel like I failed by getting pregnant while trying to do this task. It's probably ridiculous but I'm afraid the dance moms will see me pregnant (no one knows yet) and pull their daughters and join another school or something. I just really wanted to try to concentrate on running the classes.

 

My first pregnancy, I was very sick in the beginning but the rest of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. They were worried about low fluid at one point but nothing major. I did have major indigestion and low iron but...then daughter had meconium and she was late. I started contracting but they were so erratic, 6 minutes between, then 15 minutes, then dropping back down. It was ridiculous. So I had pitocin which I guess doesn't make that birth totally natural. Three hours of pushing. Had a hospital midwife. Just hated it. 

 

Second pregnancy, I didn't like the hospital so was going to try a homebirth (I know this crazy birthstory is floating around MDC somewhere) I gained a ridiculous amount of weight and didn't realize I was pregnant until something like 16-17 weeks. Attempted homebirth went on a very long time and baby wasn't coming out. I begged midwife to take me to the hospital and she wouldn't. Several hours later she finally did and my contractions were weird again, dropping back down to 6 or more minutes in between when I was fully dilated for hours. Finally went to C-section and my midwife was pretty mad at me for not trying hard enough. They said the baby never descended. He was 10 pounds.

 

Third pregnancy, I was very sick in the beginning. Not much throwing up but just very nauseated and tired. I had the two other littles so it was very hard. I thought I'd never feel better. Had a doctor, the same one who C-section me with #2 and he decided to give me the option of VBAC. I was all for it, but became really nervous towards the end and I told the doctor he should make the decision. He decided to C-section. I was very scared to do it again, even though with number 2 I was not scared, I just wanted it done. But a planned one was a little spooky. Lots of anxiety but not too bad. Got sick during it and felt some cramping when they gave me pitocin but nothing earth shattering. I should mention during my last pregnancy I contracted Lyme disease so it was a little scary, but I didn't pass it on to the baby and was treated early enough. I still have the Lyme so it's trying to be pregnant with a chronic illness and isn't always fun. They also said they thought they heard something a little funny in my heart during the last C-section like a possible mitral valve prolapse (not uncommon in Lyme people) and I always meant to get it checked but never did. Better have them look at it this time. I always have a fear that I'm going to die during childbirth. My periods have been really bad since #3, I get flooding and my obgyn was talking about fixing it so I never would have periods again. I'm not sure if he meant hysterectomy or what, since I didn't ask and figured I'd deal with it later...

 

This time I am very sick, and very very exhausted. I don't know what's going to happen this time as far as birth. I live in a different state now and don't know who is going to be my doctor yet. Sorry to turn this into 'all about meeee'

 

I know I sound very miserable about pregnancy and birth...and probably because I am, but I do love the mommy part...and the baby part, so don't get me wrong. I'm good at the breastfeeding and everything else, at pregnancy and birth, I fail. Somedays I want to unzip my body and run away from it and other silly thoughts like that.

post #16 of 118
I totally get what you're saying. I just feel so weird! I want to get away from myself. I can't even escape in sleep because I'm constantly waking from crazy pregnancy dreams.

Have you tried telling people you got pregnant on purpose? That's the line we're going with. Don't want to be the ones always getting pregnant on accident. :-P
post #17 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Babina's Mommy View Post
 

Hi, thank goodness someone started this thread. I feel so guilty and I don't post much here because I see most mamas are excited about the pregnancy and I'm just...blah. I always thought it would be nice to have another but I didn't really want to do it. My first child...in 07 was hard for me to conceive. So I have been on the other side as well. After the first one, I figured I'd have to try really hard to ever get pregnant again...but I didn't, and I was pregnant a year later. Same with number 3. We were only half being careful with number 3. This time, I was on the mini-pill and got pregnant 2.5 years after number three was born. So that's 1 planned and now 3 surprises. 

 

It's hard every day because I just do not want to be pregnant. I get very very sick with pregnancy and it's getting worse as I get older. I'm very tired and I'm afraid there's more than one in there because of how sick and tired I am. I'm being a terrible mother to my others because I have no energy. Weirdly enough, it's not even so much another child that frightens me or makes me sad, I hate pregnancy and birth. I've had one natural and 2 sections, and they all scare me. If I was to be told I would have to have this child today with no pregnancy and no childbirth I wouldn't mind so much. It's like having the flu for 9 months for me and I've never been 'good' at childbirth. But also the timing is a little bad, being tight on money and I'm in the middle of just starting out my own dance classes. 

 

I haven't told many people, just parents and a couple of close friends. No facebook announcing, no extended family announcing, nothing like that. I don't want to have to discuss the logistics of my birth control with these people.

 

I get comments that I must want to be like The Duggars, that me and husband must not know what causes this, that I must not believe in birth control, that we'd better get snipped and I was told my two stepgrandmothers last summer that I'm finally getting my figure back, so don't go and have any more children.

http://www.today.com/moms/its-beautiful-time-9-months-pregnant-ballerina-breathtaking-2D11775210

 

This is for you! Don't let pregnancy stop you from dancing! 

 

As far as rude comments ... give as good as you can get! "Don't you know what causes that?" You reply, "Yes! And we're really good at it!" And when they ask if this one was planned, you reply, "We planned to have sex that night." Totally deadpan it. 

 

I am often compared to the Duggars. I just say that I've got a long way to go to catch up with Michelle, so we'd better get busy! People look stupid for a few seconds and then run away. Works for me. 

post #18 of 118

Thanks so much Usually...I hope to be that graceful. I teach Irish dance at the local rec center. I have several 5 and 6 year olds, an 8 year old, a ten year old, a 13 year old and a 25 year old that I teach and I may have more joining in January! I've been a stay at home mom since I first became pregnant in 06 and this is one of the first things I've done for work since then, and it only involves me teaching about one day a week for a few hours but it's good for me, my own 6 year old takes the classes too and has a best friend in the class, and the money is helpful. Back in July I was practicing at home and sprained my foot pretty badly and it's mostly healed but I feel like the pregnancy has already started making it ache a little. I think because my magnesium is low due to my Lyme. Fun fun. My first pregnancy I stayed so tiny, many people didn't even know I was pregnant even up until the end. That was the girl, the two boys after her, I was pretty big...number 2, absolutely enormous. Anyway, wow, I'm rambling...

 

Like I mentioned, I became pregnant on the mini-pill and I've read that when this happens, it can result in twins. I can't wait to find out if I in fact have more than one. I'm just sicker than ever, and there's other things that can contribute apparently...being over 30 and having already had children, I think?

 

Well, at the family Christmas party in my home state, I didn't tell anyone, didn't want step-grandmother who is nosey and wants me to keep my figure to ask me a zillion questions. But a cousin at that party totally saw through me. She knew. I wouldn't take any alcohol and I normally don't drink much anyway but she claims I never say no to her when she offers me something. I kept trying to say no, I had a headache, etc but she smiled and gave me the sideways eyes. My regular grandmother knows and she suggested I have an abortion. So...it was really people in my home state that I didn't want to know and say rude things and fortunately, I'm in another state and don't have to see them so I'm not too worried about it now. I don't know many people here and most of my dance moms wouldn't say anything rude but I think in my mind they're thinking things. Then again, even strangers make comments about having your hands full and things like that...I guess in the end it doesn't matter too much what these people say...with the first three, everyone was born under 2 years than the previous one.

post #19 of 118
Thread Starter 
It's not like I expect sympathy for another "oops," but I wish people could be a little tactful about it.

And maybe I do wish for a little sympathy. Supposedly half the pregnancies in this country are unplanned. That's a lot of moms keeping quiet, since I seem to be the only person I know IRL to admit it wink1.gif.

I personally got some good news about our health insurance today, easing (some) of our financial worry. Still sick as a dog, but getting used to the whole thing.

And I'm starting to smile at myself in the mirror again. Just feeling a little more at peace with it all. Thanks to all you mamas for sharing honestly on this thread!!
post #20 of 118

I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to the demands to know if this pregnancy was planned.  I've gotten that EVERY pregnancy.  I find it beyond rude.  It's the first thing out of several people's mouths.  I just don't see what difference it should make to them.  I know at least half of them are women who had unplanned pregnancies...maybe they're looking for someone else who will understand...I don't know, but it really takes some of the joy out of the announcement.  I've so got to come up with something to say to get them to realize how rude it is.

  Return Home
  Back to Forum: August 2014 Due Date Club
Mothering › Groups › August 2014 Due Date Club › Discussions › Unplanned pregnancy