Five years later the husband and I had a change of heart. For four years nothing happened. I made peace with the fact that it probably wouldn't without intervention, and since I didn't feel I could handle the stress of fertility treatments (to say nothing of the cost) we "gave up" this past August... partly because I am a wedding photographer(so a summer baby means having to basically shut down my entire business during the height of the season and turn away clients who booked me as much as a whole year ago) partly because I was so sick of the "am I ovulating/am I pregnant" merry-go-round of ttc, and partly because I'd realized my son would soon be turning 9 and the idea of extending parenthood by an entire decade seemed completely crazy and overwhelming.
So, of course, a couple of cycles later (with protection and everything) after years of trying and failing, we finally have a winner!
On the one hand we're thrilled. Really, truly, completely thrilled... We wanted it for a LONG time. On the other hand a very guilty part of me feels like I'd moved on and made plans and now it's all ruined. I've had to give up clients and return deposits (which is incredibly financially painful this time of year during the "Slow" season), not to mention that extra decade of parenting thing.
I started spotting on Christmas Day and was suddenly faced with panic, an obvious sign that I really do want this baby no matter how inconvenient the timing, but I also can't quite help the still lingering feeling that it would all be easier if it ended(I had a dream to that effect the night the spotting started and woke up feeling horribly guilty).