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My fiance's children can do no wrong. I'm getting really tired of this. :-(

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

I have two sons and my fiance has a son and two daughters.  I love my fiance and his children so much and I feel that I am well bonded with his children and his children with my children and my youngest son is also well bonded with my fiance.  (My oldest is 18, so he's just kinda around.)  The problem is, my fiance is so hard on my sons- my little one is almost 3- yet he rarely disciplines his own children.  I'm strict as a parent, so 99% of the time, I agree with my fiance when he's disciplining my little one- that's not the problem- it's that his children, especially his youngest, age 6 1/2, pretty much does whatever she wants, never a consequense, never a punishment, at most, he'll say, "A****, don't do that."  This Christmas has been especially rough.  I have two issues that I'm trying to figure out how to deal with because my fiance's daughter can do no wrong.

 

Christmas morning, my son got a beautiful set of Melissa and Doug wooden food that he can "cut" with a wooden knife.  My fiance came over with his children shortly after my children opened their presents, and his two youngest, ages 6 and 9, were playing with the toy food with my 3 year old.  His 6 year old was having a very hard time sharing the toys with the other children, kept taking it from them, harrassing them to give it to them, going on and on about how she wished she had a toy like that.  In the past, when my sons and I have gone to my fiance's house, she's taken and hidden toys my son brought with him so that they were "lost" and he was unable to bring them home, so, later, after they left, when I realized that almost half his wooden toy food was missing, along with one of the two wooden knives it came with, my first thought (after tearing the house apart making sure it wasn't at my house somewhere), was that perhaps the 6 year old took it home with her.  So... I text my fiance and asked him if she had it.  I didn't accuse her of stealing- I asked if it had "somehow gotten into one of his children's bags of Christmas gifts".  He text me back furious, insisting maybe my neighbors stole it, maybe my son lost it (I have a very neat house- it's not lost in any "clutter", and I searched the house from top to bottom), but there's no way HIS child would have taken anything that wasn't hers, and anyways, my son broke his tv (right after he turned two, he hit it with a toy one day when he was overstimulated), so it's not like my fiance never had anything broke, so just let it be, it's "just a toy".  Then he posted on Facebook, not with my name, but how someone just ruined his Christmas by accusing his precious little daughter of stealing their child's toy.

 

And then there's her other behavior.  I love her very much... but sometimes lately I don't enjoy spending time with her.  :-(  She was so rude to both our families this Christmas.  First, we went to my fiance's children's Mother's side of the family.  (Their Mother passed away, so I get invited, too.)  During and after presents were being opened, A**** went on and on about how, "Is that all there is?" and "I wanted something else, not this.", and similar comments.  She told one of her relatives, "I wanted five presents, NOT just three!"  Then, yesterday, we went to my family's house for Christmas, and it was present time and my sister was beginning to hand out presents, and my fiance's daughter stood in front of her, with her hands on her hips, and pointed to a present with her name on it and "I want this one, right now!"  My sister told her to sit down with the rest of the children and wait her turn, she will get her present, and A**** said, "No, I see it right there, you better give it to me now!".  My sister said, "Sit down and wait your turn.", and A**** gets right in my sister's face (mind you, my sister was holding her twin three year olds on her lap while handing out presents), and says, "I SAID, give me my present NOW!  I didn't ASK you to, I TOLD you to.".  And then, later, we went to my fiance's parent's house, and A**** was going on and on about how she wants to open presents NOW, and how "it's better be something good this time".  When A**** opened her gift from me, the first thing out of her mouth was, "How much did this cost?"

My fiance said nothing, in fact, acted like he didn't hear a single thing, when my stepdaughter was acting this way, and when I told her she was acting rude for asking me how much my gift to her was, he actually defended her with the usual- "She's only six." and "She doesn't know better, she didn't mean it."

 

I love my fiance so much and I love his children so much, but I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with everything having to be my fiance's way and his children are "perfect" whereas mine need to be dealt with.  I'm supposed to marry him next summer, but I don't see how that can possibly work when he denies that there's any problem with his parenting and he just about refuses to talk to me regarding the children or anything else if there's a possibility of the conversation turning into any kind of altercation.

post #2 of 18
I recommend premarital counseling. It's extremely important to tackle this before getting married.
post #3 of 18
I foresee major trouble when you go to blend your families. These kinds of problems would crop up anyway for most people, but what you're describing sounds extreme. If you love his kids, he should trust you to discipline them. If he's not willing to back you up about behavior that you find unacceptable, you are in for a very chaotic family life. I second that this needs to be resolved to a major extent before you get married. I don't know anyone who could live with that level of rudeness, and her father is not doing her any favors by ignoring it.
post #4 of 18

I would have given up on the relationship after the rude face book remarks. Your children's rights would be compromised by this man!

post #5 of 18

I want you to think long and hard about this....you cannot change your fiances parenting ways. He has to want to change them. If he doesn't want to and his little angel can do no wrong you will be married into that. If I were you I would not marry him until he changes this

post #6 of 18

What would worry me most is the reaction to asking if he daughter took the toy-he not only dredged up the past, but made a pretty dramatic and public complaint on facebook about it (I reallllly hate when people air their relationship issues on facebook, even if he didn't name names!)   Is he willing/able to talk about this in a reasonable way?  Does it all blow over without discussing it (i.e. do you just ignore it and wait for the next fight to happen?) 

 

FWIW, I have a 6-year-old daughter and that behavior would be soooo far past acceptable!  Sure, 6-year-olds can be a little socially awkward still, but that was just flat out rude.  So I totally agree with you.  And I had major issues in my former relationship with ex favoring his eldest daughter (from his first marriage) over our kids, especially when it came to ignoring behavior issues and coming down hard on the other kids for the same things.  So I know how frustrating this could be. 

 

These things are throwing a major red flag to me about getting ready to marry/move in with this man and his children.  If he is willing to work on them and hear your concerns without flipping out, that is one thing, but if he refuses to acknowledge that this lack of being on the same page is a major issue, I would hesitate to move forward with the relationship. 

post #7 of 18
If you marry him, you are choosing this life for the long haul. It likely won't change, since he doesn't seem interested in making any changes.

How unbelievably immature of him to write a Facebook post like that.
post #8 of 18
Turn on your heel and run away as fast as you can. It's not worth it. It won't get better.
post #9 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post

Turn on your heel and run away as fast as you can. It's not worth it. It won't get better.


I agree! You and the kids can do better than this man and this family.
post #10 of 18
I agree with PP. My DH and I have major issues in our marriage because of our parenting differences.

Did I understand you correctly that bio mom is deceased? I am wondering if your fiancé is parenting the way he is because of guilt and fear? I have had first hand experience with this. My DH had no limits, discipline, or boundaries with his kids because of the guilt he felt about them losing their mother. My SD was out of control and to this day it's a constant struggle. greensad.gif. The lesson for me is that unless you are in agreement and on the same page about parenting, the kids do everything in their power to divide and conquer. wink1.gif.
post #11 of 18
Kblackstone, I hope you wills seriously consider ending this relationship, and then seeking counselling for yourself before entering another relationship. You seem to have a history of choosing men that have serious issues. It might make sense for you to figure out why that keeps happening. This current boyfriend is really immature. The Facebook thing is something a high schooler would do, not a grown man.
post #12 of 18

I wonder if he cuts his children so much slack because their mother died. When he says, "She's only six," I wonder if he means something like, "She's only six and look how much she's been through, therefore I'm not going to punish her." Regardless of his reasons for different severity levels with his children and yours, his behavior is completely unacceptable. If you two are to be married, you're supposed to be a team. Right now it seems as if it's him and his children against you, which sucks and isn't right. He either needs to work it out or you need to leave. Family counseling might be a good idea, but I definitely would want to make sure he's committed to me and not just trying to get married so his kids have a woman in their lives.

post #13 of 18
Yes!!! Sounds like there's a lot to work through. You do have to be a team in a relationship, and have that strong foundation. It's not just about the parenting differences or challenges, but trust between you and your partner. I wish I would've know before I got married how very difficult it was going to be having a blended family. I need to start a support group. ; The good news is that if you are both up to the challenge you can build a strong relationship and work through this stuff.
post #14 of 18
Thread Starter 

Quick update before I go to bed...  We had a long, long, 3 1/2 hour marathon talk last night.  Long story short, we will begin with couples therapy to learn how to communicate, and then proceed to family therapy if we can't handle it ourselves after that.  Keep your fingers crossed...

post #15 of 18
I'm so glad to hear that he's open to going to therapy with you to try and work out your parenting differences. I think there's hope- my partner and I have overcome some serious roadblocks on the way to working as a team when it comes to discipline and behavior expectations. Defensiveness is a normal reaction to having your parenting skills called into question! Hopefully he will see that you love his kids, and want them to be happy. That has made a big difference for us- that my partner's kids love me and respond to my expectations positively. My situation is similar to yours - see some of my previous posts, and pm me if you think I might be able to be helpful to you in any way! Good luck!
post #16 of 18
Thread Starter 

Update:

 

We haven't started counseling yet because neither of us have insurance that covers it, but our church pastor is doing some unofficial counceling.  I named three things I needed my fiance to be able to do and stick with in order for us to get married, one, being getting control of his daughter.  I'm not gonna go into detail right now, but all three he has been working on literally day and night for the last week and a half.  It will take awhile... but I think he's gonna be able to do it.  I'm just gonna have to see if he can stick to it, but he's a habit forming creature, so if it becomes a "habit", he'll stick to it.  He's working so hard and so determined and once he focuses on something, he's completely there.  He did ask me to work on one thing, but it's something I've been working on anyways, so I'm good in that department.  I know it's early... but we're shaping up very nicely.  Wedding's planned for August and if we keep going the way we are now...  champagne.gif  Keeping my fingers crossed...  :twothumbs 

post #17 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by kblackstone444 View Post
 

Update:

 

We haven't started counseling yet because neither of us have insurance that covers it, but our church pastor is doing some unofficial counceling.  I named three things I needed my fiance to be able to do and stick with in order for us to get married, one, being getting control of his daughter.  I'm not gonna go into detail right now, but all three he has been working on literally day and night for the last week and a half.  It will take awhile... but I think he's gonna be able to do it.  I'm just gonna have to see if he can stick to it, but he's a habit forming creature, so if it becomes a "habit", he'll stick to it.  He's working so hard and so determined and once he focuses on something, he's completely there.  He did ask me to work on one thing, but it's something I've been working on anyways, so I'm good in that department.  I know it's early... but we're shaping up very nicely.  Wedding's planned for August and if we keep going the way we are now...  champagne.gif  Keeping my fingers crossed...  :twothumbs 

yay that's awesome...good luck!

post #18 of 18

I know this is hard to hear, but I don't recommend you marry someone, when these problems already exist.  If the father-daughter dynamics are as you describe, when she's 6, what do you think you'll be dealing with when she's 13?  You will be noticing ways in which she needs boundaries and discipline (like ANY 13-year-old).  Your then-husband will be doing anything he can to ignore it, because he doesn't know what to do about it and it pains him to see his daughter as anything but flawless.  The two of them will turn on you, if you step in and parent (and "upset") her.  But if you don't, you'll be miserable, living with a disrespectful, out of control teen - and she'll be modeling behavior for your little one.  But at that point, you'll have to decide if things rise to the level to justify a divorce.  Now, you have the power to decide just not to get married.

 

Certainly, challenges and disagreements will arise in any marriage.  Even with the most ideal man for you, there would probably be some stress over how to parent a teenager.  But now (with young children and an upcoming wedding) is the time you and your fiance ought to feel super-connected, like-minded and that you're enjoying your kids.

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