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Mamas of Many - How do ppl react?

post #1 of 43
Thread Starter 

I'm expecting #4 myself, and see so many mamas here with 4+ babies! People look at me like I've lost my mind when I tell them we're expecting another, and flip when I say this one was actually planned.

 

Is this a common sentiment? Do any of you get this reaction, or is it just around here? LOL The only ones who didn't freak out are my babysitters, who are the 2 oldest girls in a homeschooling family of 11...they were stoked, and said they were just thinking we should have more babies! Just curious what reactions you've gotten. :)

post #2 of 43
We haven't announced and don't plan to do to this. People look at us like we are crazy but we love having a large family. We ttc each and everyone of our kids. I'm so excited but we can't even tell our kids so they don't tell anyone. I'm not sure when our how we shall share. Maybe after we hear the heartbeat to just a very few close family/friends so this'd ISO the only place I can talk and share and be excited.
post #3 of 43

We wait a long time to announce because people are stupid and speak too freely. We just don't want the negativity. 

 

I rarely go to the grocery store with all my littles, but I went to Aldi's today to grab a few things, and the four youngest were with me. They were pretty good but getting a little antsy in line. The checker said, "Oh you have four boys?!" I told her no, these are my four youngest. I have six boys and a girl. She said, "You're my hero! I would love to have so many boys!" I thought that was really sweet :)

post #4 of 43
We are expecting our fifth child, a very much planned for and wanted baby. The friends I have told are all very excited for us. I know however, that our families will not be so kind. Every time I have announced they are rude. I am not looking forward to telling any of them, quite honestly. We live overseas, so gratefully, there is no rush. I plan on waiting till after 20 weeks or so. I just don't feel like dealing with the negativity.
post #5 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by talullah4 View Post

We are expecting our fifth child, a very much planned for and wanted baby. The friends I have told are all very excited for us. I know however, that our families will not be so kind. Every time I have announced they are rude. I am not looking forward to telling any of them, quite honestly. We live overseas, so gratefully, there is no rush. I plan on waiting till after 20 weeks or so. I just don't feel like dealing with the negativity.

Why is it that friends are so much more positive than family?! We have the same experience. Kind of. Our parents do generally shake themselves and get positive pretty fast. 

post #6 of 43
My mom told me if I asked my husband for anymore kids I was a selfish b**** and didn't love him. She said we had 2 boys and a girl and there was nothing more to get. We have had 2 kids since them. My mil told me a year ago last nov that we had to be done and that her husband was stuck working a job he hated because of their two boys and that she didn't see how I could give attention to them all and that adding anymore takes away from the ones we have. We don't get any help and we don't ask for help. My husband doesn't hate his job they hours he works are because that is how many hour he has to work not because we need more money.

Needless to say we don't talk to my mom anymore at all. We had a huge falling out in August that was a long time coming. I have told one sister she is going to watch my kids when I go for check ups. That is the only person in our families that know.
post #7 of 43
Thread Starter 

Wow, mamas...sorry to hear I'm not alone!! What is WITH people, especially family members, being so negative and judgmental?!  We wanted to wait a while to tell people, but I started showing so fast and the kids got wise because with morning sickness I couldn't drink coffee anymore (they know I normally LOVE me some coffee in the mornings!), so we had to tell the kids...who were SUPER excited to have another sibling! Then we figured we should tell our moms, since the kids won't keep quiet.

 

My mom has been negative EVERY time, and she was shocked but finally just said "Ooohh...I hope you know what you're doing."  My MIL was by far the worst - she freaked out when DH told her, and said I should just get an abortion. He told her that actually, we were really happy about it, and she could go f--- herself...then hung up the phone. She's since come to her senses, but talk about awkward! Then DH's brother found out Monday...DH hadn't told him (expecting a similar reaction), and when he came by to drop off Christmas gifts, DD spilled the beans in her cute almost 3yo voice: "Mommy has a baby in her belly! Mmm-hmm!" as she smiled and nodded emphatically. He looked like someone gut-punched him! Then DH heard about it from him Christmas day, big lecture and gloom & doom scenarios. My stepdad wasn't much better - we got them a gift certificate to a really nice restaurant for Christmas, and DH said something about us not getting to go out much (mostly b/c he works so much as a restaurant general manager, and I work there weekends so we don't get date nights)...my stepdad said, "Yeah and you'll probably never get to go out again!"

 

OTOH, our friends, co workers, even parents of the kids' friends, have all been SO excited for us. One of our neighbors (whom I see at the school bus stop) is having her 4th any day now, and she was thrilled - high-fived me saying "Yay! Now we're both in the 4 club!!" Another mom in DS2's preschool class said "Wow, 4 kids? You're such a super mom!" Which was so sweet. :)  Just wish our family would be that sweet.

post #8 of 43
This is the first time that I am really nervous about telling my family. They've been happy every single time. With DD3, I waited until we got a heartbeat on US at 7 weeks to tell my Mom because the prior pregnancy was a miscarriage at 8 weeks. This time though, everyone thinks we're done. Even though I've always said 4-6. My Dad thought that DH should get a vasectomy. I think my mom felt the same, but mostly because bc wasn't working for me. They have big hearts and they do help a lot. They only had me and my half-brother (my "mom" is actually my stepmom, but I grew up with her and Dad. I have a "mama" who is also awesome) because they couldn't have more and because they didn't think they could support a larger family. I'm learning to make different "sacrifices" than my father. Going out to the movies isn't a necessity when we can enjoy one as a family at home - popcorn and everything!

I did tell 2 close friends already and they are excited!
post #9 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Usually Curious View Post
 

Why is it that friends are so much more positive than family?! We have the same experience. Kind of. Our parents do generally shake themselves and get positive pretty fast. 

Isn't this the truth!  I am only about 5 weeks and this is a pregnancy following a loss (I've had a loss between each child, assuming this one is successful).  We would love to have 4 children.  It's funny because we homeschool and many of the families we encounter have 4+ children.  However, there are some that only have 1 or 2.  That being said, my DH and I both come from families with two children.  Both of my parents come from very large families 6+ children. However, both of our parents think that more than 2 children are crazy.  We get probing questions like, "You're not going to try for a girl are you" ( We have two boys) or "You don't want more kids do you?  I mean, I'm just asking because kids are expensive".  As if we don't know how much kids cost-we only have two of our own!  LOL  We haven't told anyone except my best friend.  She is so supportive, no matter what.  I was told after my first miscarriage not to let me son see me cry and I basically needed to get it together.  My second miscarriage was in August and our family (parents,etc.) don't even know.  We'll probably tell them when we have to ;) and I'm sure there will be comments made but who cares.  I love big families and I want one!!

post #10 of 43

I'm not telling people until I absolutely have to.  Honestly,  I'm a little embarrassed!  This is a surprise baby.  We always told everyone we would have 6, and after number 6 we both felt truly done.  Well, apparently the universe had other plans!

 

I love having a large family, and I enjoy going out all together.  Normally, my kids are pretty manageable so it's fun.  Only on bad days when I'm feeling overwhelmed do I feel like I'm on display and I want to scream at people not to stare at us. :)

 

I should say, I have NEVER gotten a negative reaction from friends, family, or strangers about the size of my family.  Maybe #7 will be the magic number, but I've been lucky up to this point. 

post #11 of 43

LOVE THIS THREAD!!!!

 

When we told people we had tried for #5, we got mixed reactions.  i find it's very much the person and their own issues that speak.  honestly, my friend who works at Whole Foods (which is a version of a playground for us) says the store people are all smitten w/ my super ridiculously social and well-behaved kids.  I do end up doing almost all my shopping and errands and everything w/ all 5 kids.  dr's appts are a BLAST.  last visit though, the nurse said 'how many more do you want?' i was like 'DONE DONE DONE!' and she said 'why?  they're amazing and you do it so well.'

 

YAY FOR POSITIVE INTERACTIONS!!!  older people often are the most encouraging.  

 

i was scared of telling family, but my 4 year old announced it to my in-laws on Christmas day (it was her favorite Christmas present- the new baby!)  so that forced everyone to have to take it well.  HA.

 

told 2 of my 4 sisters, and waiting to tell my mom and my other sister (who has been trying for 5 years....)  i know my mom will worry.  she understands it, she had 5 in 7 years, but she also just knows how hard it is.  any cute/fun ways to tell?  it's probably going to happen sooner rather than later.... thankfully my in-laws have seen how our uber-simplified life (required w/ so many kids) is challenging, but probably more satisfying than a more 'normal' life would be.  we make less money than many of their single friends/family, but live well. so it seems there's no way to do it 'right' but instead they're embracing our challenges w/ us and w/ lots of support. 

 

so, i'm telling friends and so far EVERYONE is excited!  i'm so relieved!!!  it helps us too since we can be honest about how we're overwhelmed but not be negative or getting people negative on us.

i love my large family.  my kids love it too.  i find that my ridiculous duckling march is generally viewed as entertaining and it seems that people were more negative when i had 3 and 4.  now i'm sure i scare away those who are thinking negative things.  i mean, really, if i can have my five kids age 7 and under lined up and marching in cheery if noisy fashion, do you want to mess w/ me?!

:thumb

post #12 of 43
Last time, 5th pregnancy, we waited until 14 weeks to announce because of the bad experiences we've had but everyone actually ended up being great about it. I lost that babe just a week and a half later so I think people will mostly be excited about this baby. Hubby's school is another story. He is in an intense full time grad school program and one of only 4 or 5 people with kids at all. The others all have one or two babies. My husband is going to get so much crap! But he can take it. And while he's freaked out to be having a baby in the middle of this, he knows we can do it.
post #13 of 43

I hope I can have a lovely of a duckling march as you HouseofPeace!  

 

I am the oldest of four children, the last of whom was a surprise baby, my father was the oldest of five but my husband is the youngest of 2 with his brother but has three MUCH older half siblings from his mother's first marriage.  We both love the idea of having a large family even though we don't make much money and have modest aspirations for what we hope to eventually make our salary from our farm.  We live in a large old farm house and would love to fill it with love.  When we were with the first baby we decided that our best response to folks who were unsure of us as young parents that we'd tell them we want ten children.  That way when we finally decide to stop somewhere between four and six (I think) everyone will breathe a sigh of relief that our family is "small" compared to what we originally wanted.

 

People still look at me like I'm crazy sometimes for wanting to have that many pregnancies but I'm mostly over it.  most people stick to "wow, really?"  Then they laugh when I tell them the punchline to the joke.  Even with two kids already lots of people have asked as the youngest is four years old if we want to have any more and don't seem surprised when we say that we do, several more!

post #14 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HouseofPeace View Post

i love my large family.  my kids love it too.  i find that my ridiculous duckling march is generally viewed as entertaining and it seems that people were more negative when i had 3 and 4.  now i'm sure i scare away those who are thinking negative things.  i mean, really, if i can have my five kids age 7 and under lined up and marching in cheery if noisy fashion, do you want to mess w/ me?!

:thumb

Had to LOL!!! When we started trying for #4, I realized I'd have to do something more to keep them in line while we're out...so I came up with the "duckling" game!! I tell them to pretend we're ducks, and the Baby Ducklings have to stay close to Mama Duck, because there's lots of snapping turtles around that might get them. 

People crack up when they see my kids walking in line behind me holding hands, saying "quack-quack", and laughing, "Oh no, here comes a snapping turtle! Stick with Mom!" :lol

post #15 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlestinkers View Post

My mom told me if I asked my husband for anymore kids I was a selfish b**** and didn't love him. She said we had 2 boys and a girl and there was nothing more to get. We have had 2 kids since them. My mil told me a year ago last nov that we had to be done and that her husband was stuck working a job he hated because of their two boys and that she didn't see how I could give attention to them all and that adding anymore takes away from the ones we have. We don't get any help and we don't ask for help. My husband doesn't hate his job they hours he works are because that is how many hour he has to work not because we need more money.

Needless to say we don't talk to my mom anymore at all. We had a huge falling out in August that was a long time coming. I have told one sister she is going to watch my kids when I go for check ups. That is the only person in our families that know.

Littlestinkers, this reminds me of an old "Family Circus" cartoon (anyone remember those?) - Mother has arms loaded with grocery bags & purse, all the kids pulling at her, and an older lady says something like "How do you divide your love among four children?"  The mother replies, "I don't divide it - I multiply it!"  :love 

 

Here's an interesting little blurb Bil Keane wrote about it: http://powerpointparadise.com/reflections/reflexiones.mi-pagina.cl/r103_matematicas/r103act.html

 

Sorry to hear about your mom's reactions though...that's really tough. Hope things brighten up for you - maybe she'll come around. Like Keane tried to convey in the above mentioned cartoon, love doesn't come in finite amounts. The more love we give, the more we're able to give. Maybe your mom just needs a reminder of that.

post #16 of 43
Houseofpeace I love your duckling visual!

We're only on #3 but haven't gotten the most positive responses already. My mom didn't even say congratulations and had a "talk" with me yesterday about how "I'm a smart college educated woman and I should be doing something that uses my brain not just being a mother that never gets any time to herself." (It makes me cringe that MY mother is so demeaning to all SAHMs)

My MIL had 5 boys in 7 years, so she was happy. She also did it surrounded by her 5 brothers, sisters and mother and their families. We just moved 22 hrs away to Wyoming with a minimal support system... So I know that worries her! I've always said I wanted 5-6, but being an only child people thought I was nuts! Love you experienced mamas of many in this thread.
post #17 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by WendyJo410 View Post

Houseofpeace I love your duckling visual!

We're only on #3 but haven't gotten the most positive responses already. My mom didn't even say congratulations and had a "talk" with me yesterday about how "I'm a smart college educated woman and I should be doing something that uses my brain not just being a mother that never gets any time to herself." (It makes me cringe that MY mother is so demeaning to all SAHMs)

My MIL had 5 boys in 7 years, so she was happy. She also did it surrounded by her 5 brothers, sisters and mother and their families. We just moved 22 hrs away to Wyoming with a minimal support system... So I know that worries her! I've always said I wanted 5-6, but being an only child people thought I was nuts! Love you experienced mamas of many in this thread.

I think your MIL's reaction is a common aging feminist reaction (if you'll pardon my assumption). We have so many more choices now than she did. We can work from home, job share, really, anything we choose. Women her age had to scratch and claw for every advancement they made. She probably doesn't understand why you'd want to 'go back into bondage.' Also, society has always pitted 'working women' against 'homemakers,' which leads to a lot of judgmentalism between the two. 

 

My mom is in her 70's and has been a homemaker her whole life. She doesn't understand why I enjoy working (from home). She would be scandalized if I dropped the kids at daycare and went into an office. They sound like two sides of the same coin.

post #18 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoopaMama View Post

When we were with the first baby we decided that our best response to folks who were unsure of us as young parents that we'd tell them we want ten children.  That way when we finally decide to stop somewhere between four and six (I think) everyone will breathe a sigh of relief that our family is "small" compared to what we originally wanted

Our first two kids are 13 months apart and that is by far when we got the worst comments. But that was always our default response. We've gotta work quick if we're going to fit all 10 in! Going for ten has always been our thing.
post #19 of 43
We are hoping to have four. This is baby #2. My family is thrilled, a little bit skeptical, but mostly thrilled with our plans for four. My father is the only descendent of his parents, grandparents and great grandparents, ie he has no siblings, first cousins or second cousins. My mother has one brother who has one daughter with no children. So a big family is a change for us...
post #20 of 43

I'm pregnant with my first! I come from a large family (3 brothers, 2 stepsiblings) and I've always wanted 8 kids.  My husband only wanted 2 so over the years we've been together we've compromised to wanting 4 kiddos (but if more happen....then oh well!)

 

I'm so surprised as to how unkind and judgemental my friends and family are when we say we want 4 kids.  I think 4 is a small number, haha!  Now that we're pregnant with the first we get the "How many do you think you'll have" question.  When we say most likely at least 4...we get a lot of "ummmm you know kids are a lot of work, expenses are responsibility right?" or "why would you ruin your life like that".  I'm just shocked people would react this way and these babies aren't even here yet!

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