ALl giving and all sacrificing is the classic ideal of "mother", but I have noticed in practice that it is not what happens. Part of this work is setting boundaries for children, so it is the work of a parent, sometimes particularly a mother, to be the source of You May Not, and You Must. This is a very dignified way of saying that I spent today informing my daughter that she is required to wipe her own ass, but it has other applications. (Also, I found the notion of the all-giving, all-sacrificing mother far more compelling when I had only one child, and never had to deal with incompatible requests.)
We know that labor - any labor - is hard on babies. They essentially have to hold their breaths during each contraction. No matter how well the mother copes with labor, the baby, with periodic oxygen deprivation and no context for what's happening, is going to be having a rough time. We can't really get input from the baby on what it wants for the transition from inside to outside, but the available evidence suggests that most of the things we can think of to do have no impact on how the process feels to the infant.
Originally Posted by YoginiMomma
Also as I said before- obviously I'm not going to have a baby JUST to have the birth experience i want- but it's how I FEEL right now. We wanted 2 children from the start, but now I am feeling with the second child more than ever I really really really NEED to have a healing home birth experience to feel complete (not the best word, but the only one I can think of right now).
The issue I have, really, is that however much you feel you need the healing home birth, you do not have the ability to guarantee that it occurs. You cannot be sure it will continue to be advisable to pursue. There is a huge litany of things that could happen. There is a problem with expectation for birth, and it's not philosophical (want what you want, that's fine), it's practical - you cannot be sure of having any of what you desire. You absolutely need healing, but this course might not lead there, and you will not be able to tell that until you're committed. If a birth that doesn't fulfill your desires will leave you worse injured, you need to seek other remedies before you take that risk.
Reading your birth story, I'm so angry for some of the things that happened to you. I'm angry at your midwife's smug little line about "women go to the hospital to be delivered." That's BS. In ideal circumstances, we go to the hospital when we need to. We go of our own volition, as partners in our care. We go because we're strong enough and smart enough to get the help we need. I wish your midwife had been able to convey that to you, to put you in a position to see yourself as a strong mother in a moment where pain and fear were causing you to doubt yourself.