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feeling defeated by nine year old sd...

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
Sounds pretty pitiful right? Im just so exhausted i feel i cant manage all this anymore...

I have a twenty eight month old and an eight month old, and we have dsd on weekends and for holiday breaks for an entire week. My bf works 50+ hours a week usually with an overnite. My dsd Has been with us for 9 days for thanksgiving break and 9 days for.xmas break and i feel so defeated by her needs that ive asked my bf to take off work next time we have her for a whole week break.

Its simple things like taking care of morning hygiene.. She wears a pull up overnite and doesnt want to take care of taking it off in the morning, to choosing an appropriate breakfast, she will often say she isnt hungry if she cant have what she wants, to bigger things, like lying, and sneaking around, trying to break rules, not sharing and taking turns with her two year old sister., talking back when asked to do simple tasks. Basically i feel like she needs 100% of my time and attention and i dont feel i can properly take care of all the kids because of that.

I know that nine is a challenging age, i just wish she could go with the flow on basic things. My everyday life with her is exasperating, and its the same with her dad. At least when hes around theres two of us to manage all the kids.

Disclaimer: i have been sick with an awful chest cold for two weeks which has increased my stress level. I cant seem to get better greensad.gif

Im realizing this has turned into a vent. Im hoping someone in a similare situation can chime in with some tips, or just tell me im not crazy for feeling like giving up. My bf supports me and understands how i feel, but im so at my edge that i feel like i cant take one more weekend!

Feeling sad,
post #2 of 5
One summer, my bf was taking a class, and I took care of his three kids plus my four every day. I spent the majority of each day dealing with his kids. They broke every rule, had nasty fights that simmered all day and regularly boiled over into violence, and wouldn't do anything I said. It was one meltdown after another, all day. I was so exhausted and demoralized, and I felt terrible because I ended up badly neglecting my own kids.

At that point, we had been together for maybe two years, and they were not happy to be spending time with me instead of their dad. Your SD may be feeling the same way. It's tough for you because the situation is temporary, so she won't have time to get used to you and your expectations. But there are advantages to that, too. Your home is a vacation place for her, so you can do some "Disneyland" parenting. You could do something that you know she will love every day, even if it isn't good for her, like pancakes for dinner, or movies and popcorn. Whatever she's into. I bet she will tone down the impossible behavior if your house starts to look more fun.
post #3 of 5

That is rough, and it's perfectly reasonable to ask your dh to take some time off to help care for his child. I agree that part of the behavior could stem from her dad not being around. It seems like you are doing all you can.

post #4 of 5

Do not feel guilty about asking your bf to take time off to spend with his daughter when she is there.  Even if he can't take off the whole week, ask him to take a vacation day or two, come home early, leave late, whatever.  


And it doesn't sound pitiful at all!  Adding another kid to the mix when you aren't used to it is hard! And it's hard for her too, when she probably is at loose ends because of not having school every day + being at her dad's for longer than usual without dad even around. 


If she says she isn't hungry, don't try to force her.  She'll eat eventually and that does not make you an evil stepmother!   That said, do offer something you know she likes on a regular basis, even if it isn't quite what you would have chosen for all the time.   Don't let her eat candy for breakfast, but feeding her mac and cheese for lunch every day isn't the end of the world :)   It's more important to focus on the rules regarding treating everyone respectfully, etc. at this point it seems, so it might help to have one less battle in the day.  


I always felt extra guilty for feeling frustrated with dsd, like I didn't love her enough or was treating her unfairly-but, I get fed up with my bio kids too! It's okay to feel frustrated with the situation.  It's hard.  I hope you get a break soon and feel better!

post #5 of 5
Thread Starter 
Thanks mamas for the advice, i feel much better now. We have had a couple of weekends where my dsd has stayed with her mom ( holiday schedule, etc.) And we are getting our footing for tbe next time she comes. I really want to be able to offer stability and boundaries as well as just be there for her as a friend. Its a fine line to walk as all you stepmamas out there know! Thanks for the encouragement!!
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