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Mothering › Groups › February 2014 Due Date Club › Discussions › none of their business??

none of their business??

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
so my SIL has now taken my choice not to give birth in a hospital as a personal affront. she got pretty testy with my husband... saying that SHE has had three kids and SHE would know what I would like... how can I gently tell her that not everything is about her and really, my birthing choices are none of her business? oh, and that every woman is different? she takes things so personally that I'm afraid that anything I say will be misconstrued and twisted that it will build a thicker wall between us.
post #2 of 13

My advice is to let your husband talk to his family.  Blood is thicker than water, and whatever you guys have to say that goes against their opinions/beliefs will be taken better from him.  My husband is Jewish, and HE was the one to break the non-circumcision news to his family.  Of course they tried to tell him all the reasons we SHOULD do it, and he explained to them what we had decided and why, and that the decision was made.  I have no desire to be a part of that conversation, because I don't know that I could stay respectful and polite.  The biggest argument they have is that we will be limiting our son's religious options, because it is really tough to get circumcised as an adult.  I really really hope they don't EVER try to talk to me about it.  They can be super pushy and I have already warned DH that if they try it, and he doesn't respond first, I will tell them, "You know what is harder than getting circumcised as an adult?  Growing back a foreskin!"  I also don't see why our son's genitals are ANYONE'S business but his and ours.  My mom has weighed in on the pro side too, and I really don't get it unless it's just that she needs her choice validated or something.  I told her to go watch a video before she talks about it anymore, and she said she had NO desire to.  Well, mom, if you can't watch a video of it being done to someone else's baby, why would you want me to do it to MINE??

 

Anyway- sidetracked.  My point is that with things like this, it is best for each partner to talk to their own family.  They know each other better, and know how to deal with the button pushing.  Your DH knows if it is better to tell his sister, "This is what twixer wants to do, and the decision has been made." or "Well, if she doesn't like it, I guess she will go to the hospital next time." or "None of your beeswax!  Subject closed!" or "Here are some studies about outcomes in and out of hospitals." or "It sounds like you really want us to make the same decisions you did, why do you think that is?  Are you needing validation of your choices?"

post #3 of 13

I have family members like that on both sides. For my husbands side its his mother who had 5 children so of course she knows exactly what kind of birth I should have blah blah blah. I agree with Mattie426 your husband should really spear head the convo and really just stick with as needed info. "We really appreciate your concern for our family but we have discussed our options and come up with a plan we BOTH are comfortable with. We understand you did things differently and we just believe that the nature of CHOICE is that everyone is doing what is best for them." If she gets snarky with you directly or corners you before you husband can speak with her you can say the above. If she continues you can say "I'm sorry we clearly are not going to agree so perhaps we should change the subject" If these attacks continue have your husband explain that the subject is closed and if it is brought up again you will end the phone call/visit whatever till they can stay on suitable topics.

 

I would love to tell you that this behavior stops after you have delivered but you will encounter this mentality over and over. My biggest battle was over my breastfeeding my oldest. Some women in my family acted as if I had slapped them bc I chose to breastfeed because they hadnt and I was in no uncertain way saying they were horrible moms. Its just a reflection of someone elses insecurity about their choices.

post #4 of 13
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much for your suggestions. The next time I see her will be during my shower. I just hope (and I've asked her to keep mum about it) she doesn't confront me there.

post #5 of 13
Good luck! I really think bringing it up at the shower would be in extremely poor taste, but if she does, maybe remind her that you can always transfer. "Thank you so much for your information. I want to try my plan first, but I promise to ask for a transfer as soon as I feel like it's not working out."
post #6 of 13

I too personally know it's not easy having an in-law who is opinionated about your decisions - my solution with my SIL wasn't tactful, but it got her to shut up (she still hasn't talked to me for about 4 years!  I say problem solved and good riddance).  If she's ballsy enough to bring the subject up with you, a simple "I know where you stand on this and it's not a subject we will be discussing" would be fine.  I don't think she doesn't want to hear your logic or reasoning, she wants to hear herself talk. It sounds like it's a matter of time as to when your SIL will get offended or twist your words. Otherwise let your DH address it with her.   

post #7 of 13
We're in marriage counselling because of IL issues. Marriage counsellor said each person should talk to their own parents. I'm so happy she did because it has made things less negative between me and ILs and they listen to him and I respect dh more. Best advice ever
post #8 of 13

@Viola P I totally agree with your counselor. It is so much easier for inlaws to blame the person who isnt their child. In our situation we have both had to express over and over to my husband's family that OUR family comes first and we are a team and if they can't respect that then the consequence is we see them less often. When my husband and I left our church a collective decision his father had a couple too many beers and decided to tell me and his son how disappointed he was in him because he raised him better than to be with a back slider like me and other such fun things to say to your pregnant daughter in law. We just politely left and he discussed with his father how that was unacceptable and that we make decisions as a team its not one person swaying the other and He loved his dad but that type of treatment of his wife would not be tolerated. We have had to really reinforce boundaries and be pretty strict since the fam has a hard time grasping that we are serious. Ugh I just hate mouthy inlaws!

post #9 of 13
Thread Starter 

Funny enough, my parents-in-law are totally cool. There are several issues with my SIL (in her eyes, my husband is the "favorite") and she thinks that I "do things differently just to be different." She's usually fine, unless she has a glass of wine or two - then I can expect words exchanged. I just hope she doesn't bring it up with me (so far, she has only spoken about her "concerns" to my husband) so that I don't have to say anything I might regret. Is that cowardly?

post #10 of 13

@twixer Not cowardly I hate dealing with my sil too. Sometimes she can be so sweet other times I am the heinous bitch who had the audacity to marry her older brother and "steal" him away so I am the out and out enemy. She is 22 and doesn't really "get" our lifestyle. She is a very young 22 as well as the baby of the family (four older brothers) and the only girl so she is very very used to being the "special" one by default. Me being pregnant and already having a daughter and Her older brother being the first to provide grandchildren and wedding and all that have taken her "spotlight" so I have dealt with those issues all along UGH! I also hear you about the alcohol making people a little lose lipped with their opinions. In my fam we have some wine and everyone has a good time my husbands family any of them have ANY to drink and its just like someone flipped the bitch switch unpredictable and dramatic I just bow out.

post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 

my SIL is actually 7 years older than me (and is firmly entrenched in a different decade in life)... my husband is the younger sibling and most of the time has to take on the "elder brother" role. over the years, she can be very sweet and nice to my face but can harbor some very deep resentments that she fully disclosed to me one evening when she was quite inebriated. so now i know that i can't fully trust her, which sucks because i am an only child; and although i never really pined for a sibling, she would be the closest to one i will ever have - i can't fully open to her and talk to her about what i'm currently going through since this is my first child, because i have a feeling that she might harbor something negative against me without my knowing it.

 

*sigh*

 

in any case, our relationship is a work in progress - but it seems one-sided because i feel like i'm the one having to keep my mouth shut and be the 'adult' all the time. i do hope she stops to think and not bring up my birth choices to me - at all, nor ever.

post #12 of 13

@twixer You have my sympathy I have the "resentment" issue as well with my SIL I have their grandmothers wedding ring (My husband is the oldest and it was always his to give to who he chose to marry) and for some reason SIL thinks she should get the ring just because... Its so ridiculous but I totally get the "be adult and watch yourself 24/7" feeling. In time you will move past it learn what the hot topic issues are and be able to negotiate it. The best thing would be to institute "good fences make good neighbors" strategy. There are just certain NO GO topics period end of story. End visit end phone call if she refuses to move topics holding that line may make her resentful at first but eventually she will just move on to something else.

post #13 of 13
Thread Starter 
so the shower happened without much incident (thank goodness!!). my SIL was a bit weird when it was just her, my mom, my MIL and me... I don't know what she was trying to do but I found it unsettling. anyway, I couldn't lie when asked where we are going to have the baby. and as I predicted, people thought we were nuts and that I was nuts for not wanting anesthesia. oh well... I feel better about being upfront about it so that I made my positions about hospitals known.
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