The Dating Thread - Page 9

[Soul-O]

Holland - sounds like you've made some very wise choices about your romantic life at this point - bravo to you for listening to that inner voice and trusting yourself.

LJ - Sorry your time was cut short . Glad you were able to enjoy it, however.

As for me.... I played phone tag with him from about Thursday evening until Sunday night. He had his kids all weekend, and I was moving (we finally have our own place again - yeah!), so we weren't planning to see each other. I'll probably get together with him this coming weekend, possibly for an adult date during the week (just dinner? not sure). This is going very slowly because of schedules & kids, but that is just fine with me. I'm learning how to trust again, to let go of some of the control I've felt I needed to have in romantic relationships, so slow is good right now.

[maddysmommy]

So I'm feeling a little weird about my most recent date. I really like him, though he's the opposite of my general "type". This might be exactly what I need. The weird thing is that he sent me flowers lol. I'm seeing a couple different people (all casual with potential IYKWIM). I'm afraid he will be hurt if he gets too into me, and I don't know quite how to stop him lol. I don't want to stop seeing him, but I'm totally not into exclusivity. My best friend told me I didn't have to say anything to him until he brings it up, but I feel weird accepting his "I really like you"s if I'm not sure he knows where I'm at. Jeez I never thought it would be so hard to meet someone who actually was really into me lol. Why is it that I'm so much more comfortable with jerks who ignore me after a date or 2 lol?? I just really don't want to hurt him, and maybe I'm afraid of getting too close in general. We're having dinner tomorrow night and I can't decide whether to bring it up or not. Yikes this is so weird!! Help!!

[Holland73]

I think it is always a good idea to be upfront with someone about where are you at in your relationship "quest". If you are not ready for exclusivity...TELL HIM! If he gets too into you and gets hurt, well, there is nothing you can do about it, as long as you were honest and upfront in the beginning.

You should be enjoying the attention, getting to know these men and having a good time. Try not to overanalyze it all, but do be honest!

Good luck and ENJOY!!!!

[L.J.]

I agree with Holland that you can't stop him from getting hurt, but you can be honest & let him know that you are dating casually right now.

Someone who falls too quickly or inappropriately can be a red flag....so maybe it's good that you're thinking of addressing this issue. I would guess you don't want someone who is posessive or jealous or anything like that (not saying that this guy is or not...but sometimes there are early indicators).

Anyway, I always think it's best to be honest about where you are and what your expectations are, then everyone can make informed decisions.

[maddysmommy]

Thanks you guys for the great advice! I told him exactly where I was at and he completely understands - though in his words "that doesn't mean I'm going to stop liking you." It's pretty cool to be involved with someone so rooted in honesty (the polar opposite of my ex!!!) I feel very much better having discussed it with him. It was an awesome date too! We had a nice little bistro all to ourselves and they played Marvin Gaye through the whole dinner! Anyway I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate being able to bounce things off you! Cheers,

Leah

[Holland73]

Happy to hear that he took the news so well and that you guys proceeded to have a great date!

Being honest is sometimes very difficult, but it is always worth it in the end...for both parties!

[brusselsprout]

You guys sound like you are really making some good decisions about dating. I so proud

I have been talking to a couple different guys lately...weeded one out because he was weirded out about me breastfeeding while I was talking to him ON THE PHONE! freak! Weeded another out because he didn't want to get to know me, just wanted to talk about sex....

So, I just got an e-mail tonight from the guy I have been liking the best (the younger guy I posted about earlier) and he likes me It was such a sweet e-mail, I feel all happy and bubbly So, not sure where this is going, I have alot less time to date with school starting, but he seems to be really grounded and willing to take it slow, so I am willing to give it a shot

[L.J.]

maddysmom
Glad it went well.

Brusselsprout
I think it's great you're getting to know this guy. I know that dating right now is very different for me than it ever was....I think because the pressure of wanting to get married & have kids is gone. I am content if I never get married & content it I never have more kids. With those things out of the way, I find I'm just happy to take things a day at a time and see where it goes. Who knows? But it's fun getting to know someone new! Enjoy!

[dentente]

I think I met a good one...

He's 39 (I'm 37). He's a high school chemistry teacher. Married once when young and quickly divorced. He's whip-smart. Well-read. Expressive, creative and funny. He lives very, very far away. Yes. We met online in late February. It's been very intense. He has visited me once. I have visted him once and he is coming for an extended stay over the summer.

I can truthfully say we adore each other and are considering our options.

Wish us luck, ladies. Many of you know about the hell my dd and me have been through. We need a man this kind and loving in our lives.

Denny

[L.J.]

dentente
Hooray for you! I hope your visit in the summer goes well.

I've had another really great date tonight with my guy! What craziness this whole dating thing is at times.........but tonight I'll go to bed with a smile on my face!

[Holland73]

The most incredible date!

So, stbx's boss, I will call him T, planned this elaborate, exciting date for us on Saturday. All he told me was to tell him when I would be able arrange to a babysitter for ds, to make sure that I gave him at least 5 hours for this surprise date and to dress in jeans. Very mysterious!

I arranged a babysitter, my best girlfriend, for Saturday evening. He picks me up and we drive to some incredible farmhouse, on the beach, nearby my town. I live 30 minutes, by bike, from the North Sea. The house is a friend of T's and he takes me in the back, where there are 2 horses saddled up and ready to go! OMG...I love horses and riding! I had talked to him about this passion and how I missed not being able to ride anymore.

We take a beautiful ride on the beach, through the dunes...the weather was perfect and I was impressed with how well T rode. We chatted the entire time, had a couple of races, and just enjoyed everything.

We returned to the farmhouse, where we each took a shower (separately, of course ) and then proceeded to make dinner together! This farmhouse was truly incredible...I have always seen such places, but never been in one! Wow!!!!

This is probably the MOST incredible day I have ever had in my entire life! All women should have to experience such a date! The preparations, his flexibility in planning, everything...what can I say...OMG!!!!!

BUT...it was also very scary, because I could imagine getting caught up on all of this attention. And, can I just say...his kissing was near perfection!!!!

So, I am going to have to step back a bit. But, how do I do that, without losing him or giving him the wrong idea (that I am not interested)? Also, I don't want him to not plan such dates (that would be such a horrible shame) because he is afraid of scaring me off...it is kind of a catch 22.

Suggestions?? Thoughts???

[Soul-O]

Holland:

WOW! What an incredible date! I'd say that T is definitely a winner - too bad he doesn't have a cute brother living in the states somewhere . Anyhow, I'll have to think a bit about your dilemma before I post a good response. However, in a general sense, I think that open communication is going to be important with this guy. How about this: let him know how much you enjoyed the date - especially the planning and care he put into it - and that you look forward to seeing him again. Then, let him take the next step. You've shown your appreciation, haven't put any time frames on seeing him again or made any plans to do so, and you put the ball in his court. I'm sure someone else will come up with a better suggestion, but at least this is a start .

Way to go!

[Soul-O]

Oops.... forgot my own dating update.

I went out with the firefighter (hereafter known as M) on Thursday afternoon. I'd taken a personal day from work in order to get some errands done, and he did the same, so we met up around 2:30pm, saw the movie "Stepford Wives" (which I thoroughly enjoyed - very sarcastic, good cast, nice twist at the end), and made an early dinner at his place. We had a very nice time, and I'm enjoying his company, but I sense on some level that I probably want more from this friendship than he does at this point. Ah.... time will tell. The guy is very busy, yet he calls frequently and has spent at least part of every one of his days off (w/out work or kids) with me since we met, so he's probably into it as well. He's just quiet, and well... he's a guy - they don't communicate the same way we do! He's been on duty since Friday a.m., but he did leave me a message yesterday afternoon and said he'd try me again when he's able.

[happyhippiemama]

So I'm a single momma, but been dating a long-time friend and sometimes lover, for about -eh- eight months now. He loves me and my dd intensely.

But I'm finding that the more "family"-like we get, rather than just "couple"-like, the more I want out, out, OUT!! In prior relationships, when I started to feel restless, I would start comparing our relationship with what a relationship could be like if I was with someone else. Now, I'm comparing what B and I have with what my life would be like with just my dd and I. And I'm starting to crave having control over my own life again, kwim?

Like, the whole time I was pg, and had no romantic support at all, in order to survive through it, I figured out ways that my dd and I could have a fantastic life together, just the two of us, at least while she was young. I was eager to make decisions based simply on what was best for the two of us. Now, I'm looking at decisions that would be best for the THREE of us, as a family, and I just don't know if I'm ready to make that kind of a commitment, kwim?

I'm getting almost possessive of my daughter - I know that B loves her, and he's amazingly wonderful with her, but as Father's Day was approaching, for example, I knew that he would be hurt if we didn't do something for him. And I struggled and struggled with what the right thing to do would be..... I mean, he's NOT her father, and although he has kinda taken on that role (he helps me pout her to bed at night, watches her for me once a week or so when I'm at work, etc), if I acknowledge that he's her father, and allow them to grow closer, then that means that I am relinquishing my ability to make choices that I have been dreaming about since I found out I was pg....

Does this make any sense? Any similar situations?

[maddysmommy]

Crystal- I'm not really in your situation, but I can certain see your points. Have you articulated these things to your partner? These are complicated emotional waters (for everyone) and he should be able to hear these things from you. Certainly some compromise/change in your original vision might be expected but it seems like really if he's a good deal for you and your kids then it's worth it. You have to weigh the pros and cons and get really ok with everything I think.

So an update on me and my dating adventures. I've been meeting a fair number of guys, mostly just first dates, but 2 weeks ago I met this man who I may be falling in love with. It's the weirdest thing. I posted about this before, how I told him I'm not ready for exclusivity etc. Well the stupid thing is everytime I talk to or see someone else I pretty much just think of him anyway. So I think, pretty soon I'm going to have to just give him a serious try. I'm trying to talk myself out of these feelings, mainly just because of the "conventional" wisdom about it being too soon or not trying to fill the space my ex left etc. But I've discussed these things with my therapist and I really feel like I'm very ready to love and be loved. This coming from the woman who was happy to have just sex buddies! Life is weird lol. So he's meeting Maddy tonight for the first time. I think this will give me (and him) a lot of information about who we are and how we work together. I want very much for him to know me in all aspects, including as a parent. I'm a little terrified too. Wish me luck!

Leah

[L.J.]

Maddysmom

Good luck tonight. It is a good indicator for both of you to see how things go with your child there too. I think it's good to be a little terrified too! I still get excited/nervous when we're getting together.

I think that it's quite often when we're not looking, that we end up finding exactly what we need. I have never thought there's a specific time limit on anything. I believe that when we are ready for whatever, it comes into our lives.

Enjoy!

[L.J.]

Well, I had another fun date last night.
It was funny though. His parents are visiting so we had to make sure we were "out of the house!" At one point we were getting a little hot & heavy in his car -- and we were laughing about being in our 30's and feeling like kids again.....can't go to his house, cause his parents were there......can't go to mine because my kids are there! Dating with kids is too funny sometimes!

[Soul-O]

L.J. - LOL! I can relate - stolen kisses and a fondle or two are the order of the day when "M" and I get together with the kids. It has all the romance of making out in front of Barney & Friends, but you take what you can get! I'm glad all is well with you and your guy - congrats on finding a keeper .

Maddysmom - any update on having your new guy meet your DD? How did it go?

As for me.... I won't be going out with "M" again until probably next week. We were going to try to get together today, but it was very tentative as he has some type of union meeting today and I have schoolwork to complete. I ended up cancelling on him though because last night I came home after being out all day to find a burst water line on my toilet and my apartment flooded with two inches of sitting water ! We had to leave again and will be staying with my folks for a few days until they clean it all up and replace the carpet/linoleum, but several of my things and the children's toys were damaged, and we are out a place for a few days. I'm going in this morning to talk to the manager and see how I will be compensated for my loss - wish me luck!

[Holland73]

Called it off

I have called things off with T. I have come to a couple of realizations this weekend.

1) I love being on my own. I love having ds all to myself, planning whatever I want to do, even if it is nothing. I am just having a REALLY good time being a single mommy and single woman. I feel so strong, so independent and so happy! I REALLY need this time for myself.

2) When I wrote in my previous post about my hestitation and fear of possibly getting "caught" up in all the attention from my last date with T, I realized...that is NOT a good thing, for me. It is a sign that I am not ready. Not so much to date, but to give myself "fully" to a man. If I was truly and honestly ready for this wonderful, sweet, beautiful man...I would have been nervous, but not hesitant or fearful. This was a sign that I still need to work on myself, to just live with "myself" for awhile longer, regain ALL of my confidence back, remember who and what I am, be selfish, etc.

In my thread about talking with stbx's girlfriend, I commented on how she is having the same "issues" with him that I have had. And as LJ pointed out, just as I knew, if you do not resolve your problems in your previous relationship...you will bring them into your next relationship. I do not want to do that and although I know I have done so much work and reflection into my marriage and what happened, now I need to live with those reflections and revelations. It is one thing to recognize and see them, it is another thing to "live" with them. Does this make sense?

Anyway...I talked with T this afternoon and told him EXACTLY what I am telling you all. He commended me for my honesty, understood where I was coming from, thought it was a good idea for me. Additionally, he told me that he would back off (but not fully) and let me come to him when I am ready and if I still want him.

This was the most self-less thing I have ever experienced in a man!!! Talk about being a gem!!! We will see what happens, he is definitely a keeper, but I am a bit too selfish right now. If we were destined, we will connect once again. Time will tell!

[L.J.]

Good for you Holland!

I know exactly what you mean about there being a difference between thinking about our relationships & actually implementing changes into our life.

I've been single now for 3 years. In that time I did a lot of reflection, analysis & just general thinking (I was actually making a lot of changes the last few months of our marriage too). I theorized & then I started making changes in my life. And in the past couple of months, I've started putting them to the test while dating. I know the guy I've been dating is different than anyone in my past (I can definitely see the common thread in all my past relationships). He is a different kind of guy & I have been doing things completely differently while dating him. So, it seems like I'm set for a whole new kind of relationship............finally!

I sometimes have the tendency to do something like I would have before, but I usually catch myself, take a look at what's really motivating me & then make a better decision.

Who knows? I think it's good that you got out there & tried it. If it doesn't feel right at the moment, it's good that you can be honest with yourself and this man. Sometimes I don't think we know until we try.

Enjoy being single. There are so many great things about having your own time & space & lifestyle......especially with a little one.