The Dating Thread - Page 2

[Holland73]

Brusselsprout (btw, I love the nickname! ),

I have thought long and hard about the "introducing ds to the potential 'mate' question. I actually just had a very long therapy session about this topic. I even made a list of guidelines for stbx stating a 6 month limit before introduction, granted, I have come to realize that guideline was made because of my anxiety, fear and anger. When I start to feel anxiety, fear or anger with stbx, I immediately try to "control" the situation, hence the guidelines.

I have come to realize that for a relationship to become serious, it is very important to see how that potential mate will interact with ds. I would hate to keep ds "hidden", which would also be very, very difficult, for 6 months then see the potential mate interact with ds in a negative way or not fully understand the COMPLETE picture of having children...what a waste of time that would be!

Therefore, I will be having a talk with stbx about deleting that guideline and letting him introduce ds to his new girlfriend...although, I HAVE to be there for the first introductions and might even request that I meet her and her daughter without stbx there. This woman could be a future step-mommy to my baby...I MUST meet her! Stbx understands and completely respects my need to meet her and apparently, according to him, she, the new girlfriend who is also a single mommy, thinks it is a good idea too!

As for introducing ds to my "very new" potential mate...not until after a couple more dates first. We don't even have our first date until Saturday, so it will be a few more weeks, maybe even a month or so, down the road.

[magnoliablue]

Holland.. I agree with you about lifting the 6month rule..for that very reason. If you are in a relationship that lasts 6 months, chances are you are pretty serious about the person. For there to then be a negative interaction with your kids would be a pretty difficult thing to handle emotionally.

The first time my kids started spending time with their dad's gf, I wrote her a letter explaining what I expected of her, letting her know ow precious they were to me, and hopnig that she would treat them as her own when she was with them. She has not let me down yet, and my kids have made a pretty smooth transition.

I let my kids also be a judge of character. They liked my bf instantly, but they are more likely to pick up any negative habits/personality traits than me, as they aren't IN the relationship..understand? They have a more open mind and are even more judgemental as far as my livelihood is concerned, having seen what I went through.

My oldest had the hardest time, so he was the hardest one to impress so to speak, and he loves my bf..they have found a lot in common, which is great, because he could use another positive role model.

I do agree that you need to have some time together as a couple to have an idea where you are heading..if you decide to get into a monogamous relationship, then I can say it is safely time to bring the kids into it. If it a casual,non committal thing, I'd hold off, because you really do not want a revolving door of people in and out of your kids lives..that sends an even more insecure message to them,IMO.

Good luck, and you can PM me anytime to chat about this!

[brusselsprout]

Now see, you had to go and make sense I totally agree with your logic. Now I am going to have to think things through again.

The reason that I was adamant about *not* bringing these men into my life was seeing my sil bring so many different men into her life. Her little daughter would just be getting attached to someone and then he would be gone. The saddest was when she would start calling a man daddy I would get SO mad at sil for letting her daughter know the men she was dating. I suppose part of it was the way the men were introduced and the way they interacted in front of her daughter, huh? Like I would probably be more careful not to be huggy kissy in the beginning or whatever.

On the other hand I remember when my dad married my step-mom both my brother and I felt like it was so weird because we hardly knew her at all...because dad didn't really introduce us to her.

But on the other hand again, I remember the woman my dad dated before my step-mom and feeling SO attached to her and her daughter and being devestated when they split up.

Geesh! This is so complicated, isn't it? I guess I am going to have to sit down and do some more thinking on the subject....and here I thought I had it all figured out :LOL

[magnoliablue]

brussel..it is hard, nomatter which choice you make. Because the kids have already seen how relationships can be impermanent, and you never want to put them through that again, so you really do have to walk a very fine line..

Because even the best of relationships may not make it to the marriage level, yet how can you get to that level without letting there be some interaction with the children? It is a Catch-22, and what you have to hope is that by the time you are in a relationship that seems serious enough to warrant bringing the person around your kids, you are both at a place mentally where this really could be "it" or at least have that potential some day.

We were very careful not to be overly affectionate in the very beginning of his being arund the kids, and still, we aren't all over each other..he will hold my hand or put his arms around me in front of them, but that is about it as far as physical demonstration. They are ok with that limit and so are we.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by brusselsprout

Now see, you had to go and make sense I totally agree with your logic. Now I am going to have to think things through again.

Yeah, I know...sometimes I wish I weren't so logical, also! :

Magnoliablue, I complete agree with the not being overly affectionate in the beginning. Ds (who is only 9.5 months...so, it is not as big of a deal as if he were a toddler) has been around, fairly frequently, my wonderful guy friends. Guys I have absolutely NO romantic attachments too. So, there are other men in his life, which is helpful.

But, as I stated, ds is only 9.5 months, so I am not as worried as I would be if he were a bit older, although it does set up a precedent, therefore I treat the situation as though he were a toddler. Does that make sense??? Or am I just talking in circles???

Well...my date is tomorrow night! We have been talking almost every single night this week, he has been calling and msn'ing me. It is kind of nice.

In the past, I was always the pursuant...I was the strong women that "thought" she knew what she wanted and went after it, or him! Now, I want to be pursued, wooed, made to feel like he NEEDS me! So, I am a little more vague and reserved than I normally would be, but I am not lying...just not going into full detail. It is working out great! He is very curious about how many other men I am dating at the same time. He does not have any children, so he does not understand that I cannot and do not want to go out all the time...don't have the time or energy. Being a single mommy is exhausting and I love being home in the evenings with ds...that is our time together! It is funny because he keeps asking me about his "competition", although I keep telling him, "It is not as bad as you think!" Silly, silly men!!!!

[L.J.]

Just to add to the part about introducing kids........

All kinds of relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Our kids will have friends, neighbours etc. who may just walk out of their lives too. We used to have a playgroup and things got really ugly & we don't see most of those moms & kids anymore even though we thought we were all friends. Things happen between very close friends and sometimes we move in different directions.

I know that the relationship with a man is different because there would probably be more frequent interaction etc. But I think, like most things, our children will follow our lead in how we handle the situation.

My niece & nephew still have close contact with one of their dad's ex-girlfriends, because she was a key person in their lives at a very important time.

And I agree with others, if it was just going to be casual or there may be many different men, I would never think of introducing them. But if I'm getting excited about a man, I think it has it's place.

[Holland73]

My first date on Saturday night was interesting! I was ridiculously nervous, my best friend, who was babysitting for me anyway, come over early to provide some support.

It was strange because I felt like I already really knew him well, from all the internet chats, phone conversations and emails...but, when we were together physically (in context, I mean), I felt like I was "catching-up"! Does this make any sense? I am having a hard time explaining it.

He was a great guy, went to a Fondue restaurant. Dutch fondue is horrible, it was my first time, otherwise I would have suggested something else! They give you a little pot of grease, some raw meat (to cook in the grease) and some french fries...very typical Dutch!

I had 3 glasses of red wine...big mistake, because my mouth was just babbling away! After dinner and a trip to the ice cream parlor, I invited to my place for a drink and chat with me and my girlfriend. He stayed at my place for about 2 hours and we all had a wonderful conversation...he is very laid-back and personal!

The end of the date had me walking him to his car, where he proceeded to give me the "standard" Dutch 3 kisses on each cheek goodbye, but on the 3rd kiss he planted a very gentle kiss on my lips...it was very sweet!

I realized at 4am that I never thanked him for dinner Talk about a big oops!

We IMed yesterday evening, he started it, and it was a little strange...the conversation was a bit strained. I immediately apologized for not thanking him for dinner and asked if I had scared him away (me and my girlfriend really drilled him). He told me that he did not scare easily, so "no need to worry about scaring away on his side". But, we also didn't make plans for another date...is this bad????

He was a really nice guy and I would like to see him again. This dating thing is so strange...I feel like a teenager again!

[brusselsprout]

Congrats on what sounds like a good time I think there are always going to be strained times in the beginning as you get to know each other and know how you mesh. (And I am so laughing about the babbling thing....I drank Jolt on that date I went on and could hardly keep up with my own mouth And here I was thinking if I drank some wine next time it would mellow me out!)

Are you trying to wait for him to ask you again? I so don't know the rules of dating or how that all is supposed to work. I think I remember you saying you wanted someone to pursue you and romance you though (In my current situation it is very difficult for me to get a babysitter, so I kind of send out feelers like "I think I might be able to get a babysitter on Saturday night" or whatever when I actually can go out).

I don't think you should worry too much about not making a second date yet. After my first date we both said "Yeah, it would be great to do something again" but then didn't make any plans. Yesterday I called him up and we made not one, but two dates (Gonna go see Van Helsing this weekend and then we are going to go see "An evening with Souxsie" Both Souxsie and the Banshees and the Creatures in one night , but that is in the future a ways.)

I have been thinking about what you said about introducing the kids, and I am starting to think you are right. I am still putting some thought into it, but I do agree with the idea that the kids need to get along with anyone that is going to be in my life. We have a big county fair here in July, I think I might introduce them then....we will see (Partly this will depend on me making my mind up about him...I really thought I just wanted a casual friend or whatever, but the NRE has really kicked into high gear and I find myself thinking about him ALOT, so now I just don't know)

[wemoon]

Holland, sounds like it went well! I wouldn't worry about the second date, it will come

Well, I met the guy I've been chatting with this weekend as well. We met at the May Day festival. It was real funny, he called my cell and we figured out where each other was at the festival and managed to find each other. I had no clue who I was looking for, so I told him to look for me, I would be wearing ds on my back. :LOL And he found me!

It was very casual, very none pressure-like at all. I had my kids there, so basically I just chased them down the whole time, then we found a playground and the kids went and played and we sat on a bench and talked. The meeting was very short, like 2 hrs, but at least I got to actually see who I was talking with. He has IMed me today, and it all seems real cool.

[Jish]

:

Delurking to let you all know how much I'm enjoying dating vicariously through all of you. Even a happily married gal sometimes misses those butterflies that come with first dates.

[mocha09]

Wemoon and Brussel, hooray!

Wemoon, I am finding it so incredible that you met this man while with your children. I have this prejudice in my head that no man could be attracted to a woman who had children hanging from various body parts. (I know this is not true!) It's very uplifting.

[wemoon]

Oh and he was so sweet to the kids too! Helping make sure I didn't lose them in the crowd and he would help me watch them while they were on the playground. He was really great. The kids may not have felt the same way :LOL DD asked my why he kept following us! But I don't think it was anything bad, I just told her he was a friend and she seemed satisfied with that and even asked where he was after we had gone our seperate ways. The festival atmosphere definetely alleviated any pressure or wierd feelings. Next time I want to meet without the kids though, cause I felt like I was chasing kids more than talking with him!

[L.J.]

Well, I had date #4 on Friday. I cooked dinner for my guy. I was as nervous as our first date. It suddenly hit me that I had to have my house presentable, cook decent food & look good.....what was I thinking?

He was late (called to let me know he was stuck in a meeting). We ate & he was so complimentary, then we went to the playground with the kids. We had a little time to talk (not much). We came back & as the kids started to settle in, we chatted for about half an hour before he had to leave.

He was super great with the kids (they met him before when he had his daughter with him) and it was fun.

I'm hoping our next date will be without the kids. I'll see him this week, but he'll be working so we won't have a real "date" this week.

[Holland73]

Well...have another "date", more like a "get together" on Sunday. I find when I think of it as a date I cannot relax, too much pressure and I am not completely ready for that kind of pressure.

I am not looking for a long-term relationship, if it happens great...if not, that is fine too, I just want to have a good time with someone from the opposite sex, a little bit of attention, some companionship, etc. I like being on my own with ds and I am in no hurry to give that up yet.

Last night was a very rough night for me (still have those, unfortunately ) and we were suppose to "chat", but I im'ed saying I was having a rough time and that I would not be the best person to chat with. I turned off my computer, curled up on the couch and had my "moment".

About 30 minutes later, my phone rings...guess who? It was so sweet, he was worried about me and wanted to see if I needed to talk. We talked for 1.5 hours! It was great...he was great. We talked about everthing...my ex, my broken heart, single mommyhood, my problems with believing a man when they say something nice to me, etc. It was such an incredible conversation!

I think we will probably end up being better friends than lovers, but you never know and to be honest, I am pretty open to anything!

So, we decided that on Sunday he will be coming over to my house for dinner. I am cooking! L.J.: any suggestions???

[wemoon]

How sweet of him!

[L.J.]

What a thoughtful guy.

I have 2 little ones, so I did some prep work the day before.....I knew if I tried to clean the house, cook & get myself ready all in the same day my kids (and I) would be headed for a melt down!

Enjoy your dinner!

[brusselsprout]

He sounds really sweet and thoughtful. You know I have always thought that being best friends made the best relationships. It just takes a little longer for things to heat up so to speak (and in the mean time you are building an awesome foundation)

And Holland, you are so much braver than me....At this point I would be way too scared to have someone to my home, but I think that has alot to do with the way my boys try to engage every male that enters the house in some sort of wrestling game (I think that is one of the things they miss most about thier dad, he used to be so good at playing with them).

[magnoliablue]

Just wanted to share this... a sure sign a guy is a good one.. he survives the day with a puking toddler..lol
Yesterday my bf came over and Rick had a stomach virus. He put off puking until, you guessed it.. the bf came in the door. The bf cleaned him up, and took him repeatedly to the bathroom and managed to make him laugh in spite of feeling bad.

We even ran to the store and he had to pull over a couple times.. and when he left last night he felt bad because he wanted to stay to help me take care of him. He has already called several times this morning to check on the little guy. Sigh.. makes me very happy.

[Holland73]

Magnoliablue...You give all of us girls hope that there is such a man out there for us!!!! You, and your children, so deserve this wonderful man in your lives! You go girl!!!!

Brussel...I agree with you 100%. My stbx and I were best friends before we "hooked up", which is probably why we are able to still get along so well through all of this chaos and drama with our relationship. Personally, for myself, this "friends with potential" thing works out really nice. It moves slow, which I so desperately need, and if nothing develops, we have still gained...a great friendship!

In regards to being brave about bringing a man into my house, my ds is only 9.5 months old and will be in bed when he comes over. One of the nice things about dating with an infant!

[whateverdidiwants]

Originally Posted by ethan'smamaCT

I hope you all don't mind my sneaking in here. I am considering divorce right now and reading all of what you guys are enjoying makes me feel like there is hope for after all this is over. Hopefully you will enjoy knowing that you have brought a certain sense of relief to a very angsty Mommy. Have fun, all of you!!!

I second that!