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Planning a play date with the dad instead of the mom? - Page 2

post #21 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyms View Post I don't like my kids in anyone's house that I don't know first or around kids I don't know that much either.

They know each other well enough to want a playdate. What do you want, a background check? Credit history perhaps?

 

(some people require that before they begin dating nowadays)

post #22 of 81

Sorry to say but all children aren't good. My kindy son has a "friend" at his school that he came home talking about in the beginning of the school year. Turns out now that child is very aggressive with the other kids and has now been known to beat up on other kids. He was in trouble yesterday at school for punching my son and this has happened with other kids. My son was hit by this boy earlier this year and was "not friends with him anymore" then turned around and was friends with him again because "he's being nice to me now mommy." I want to know that the child my kid is playing with is not going to be a danger or ill influence on them in some way. Maybe I'm wrong for that? Should I assume if someone is under the age of 10 they can't be bad in some way? Sorry but in this society that isn't always the case. I think implying I want a background check on a child is a little harsh. Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough to begin with but like I said before I was merely offering my opinion in response to the op's question. If it is different in some way to yours or someone else's that's fine and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your opinion or mine. 

post #23 of 81

I work outside the home and my husband stays home with our two children.  I'm not jealous that other mothers see my husband when the kids play together, and I think it does women a huge disservice to immediately assume that this would the case.  Who knows why the dad suggested meeting at their house.  If it were our family, it would be because the go-to playdate park of choice has super crappy sight lines and its impossible to keep track of more than one child because the play structure is very spread out.  We have a fully contained backyard with trees, pets, and chickens, and a ton of toys/swings/bikes so it just easier to meet there. 

 

That said, I wouldn't allow my child to go alone to the house of someone I didn't know well.  They're a little young for that at this point anyway, but I'd need to be reassured that the home is safe (e.g. drugs, firearms, other family members).

post #24 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyms View Post
 

I'm guessing the last few posts were directed at me? If someone feels comfortable going to other people's houses at random that's up to them. I don't think of it in terms of losing a womanhood bond by thinking another woman may be jealous instead I view as a respect for her feelings either way but that's just me. 

Mine wasn't directed at you -- but more to anyone who mentioned wife-jealousy as a reason to avoid a playdate at the home of a family where the father would be the host. Yes, sure, there are many reasons that a person may not want to attend a home playdate. If fear of the other parent being jealous is one of them...that just seems unfortunate to me. I don't know why. I think it has to do mainly with an unwelcome assumption - one that I would not want to be made about me.  

 

I wanted to point out that what feels like the safe assumption in terms of being respectful of another woman, may not actually be the case.  

 

That likely comes down to something like "do unto others". That, I think we can all probably agree on.  And, I do think we rarely go wrong with that. 

 

I have an amusing anecdote for this thread... 

 

My DC is doing a project with a friend at a farm about 40 minutes from our city this coming weekend. The friend is getting a ride from either her bisexual mom or her hetero step-father. I told them that whoever was giving the ride was (I kid you not!) welcome to stay and have a drink and a dip in the hot tub with me while the kids work. I imagine that wouldn't fly for some on this thread. :rotflmao 

post #25 of 81

All I'm saying is that you should probably check with the wife to see if she's fine with her husband spending time with another woman. How is that "unfeminist" of me? Rather, it is a bit presumptuous to assume the wife will be totally cool with the situation, isn't it?  I'm not saying all women are jealous creatures and all men are horny toads, but in some cases, women are not ok with their husbands inviting and entertaining another women. Some men are uncomfortable with their wives spending time with other men. This is a reality. Some people are different than you, and have different opinions and hangups. Since this is another couple's marriage we're talking about here, maybe it would be best to make sure everyone in that marriage is alright with the situation  (rather than just assume).

That's just my opinion.

post #26 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post
 

All I'm saying is that you should probably check with the wife to see if she's fine with her husband spending time with another woman. How is that "unfeminist" of me? Rather, it is a bit presumptuous to assume the wife will be totally cool with the situation, isn't it?  I'm not saying all women are jealous creatures and all men are horny toads, but in some cases, women are not ok with their husbands inviting and entertaining another women. Some men are uncomfortable with their wives spending time with other men. This is a reality. Some people are different than you, and have different opinions and hangups. Since this is another couple's marriage we're talking about here, maybe it would be best to make sure everyone in that marriage is alright with the situation  (rather than just assume).

That's just my opinion.


Are you kidding??  Check with the wife to make sure it's okay for her husband to host a playdate where a mother accompanies the child?  That is beyond ridiculous and insulting to both the husband and the wife.

post #27 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post
 

 Some people are different than you, and have different opinions and hangups. Since this is another couple's marriage we're talking about here, maybe it would be best to make sure everyone in that marriage is alright with the situation  (rather than just assume).

That's just my opinion.

 

Crayfishgirl, do you really think everyone has the same beliefs and opinions as you? People are different, you know.

post #28 of 81

I, too, am saddened that mothers on here would assume that the wives of SAHDs would expect to give "permission" for playdates.  Seriously?  My partner stays home with our kids and if another woman phoned me to ask if it would be ok to be hanging out with him while the kids played would be disturbing - not from a jealousy perspective but from a WTF perspective! 

post #29 of 81

Identitycrisis - I understand what you were saying and no you're right that playdate wouldn't fly for me LOL. I know some don't agree with me (obviously no one but Becky I think) but it's just my opinion. It is a do unto others thing and I see it as respectful. I have a marriage and a family. I wouldn't want to do anything that would cause harm to someone else's marriage or family so I feel better about getting to know the family before making assumptions that she would be okay with. I'd feel bad if she wasn't and my assumption caused marital grief and possibly family issues for the child as well. Just my opinion.

post #30 of 81
What occurred to me (other than the fact that there are obviously differences of opinions on what sort of assumption or lack of assumption a person should make about how another woman may feel about her partner spending hosting a playdate) is that SAHDs in all the areas where I have lived are still in the minority. So, if they're doing all the regular parenting things that other caregivers do they will often be with other women.  
 
If I can ask (because I'm kind of surprised by the difference of opinion here) to BB and Cms, are you friends with any SAHDs?  See, I think the assumption that the female partner is "ok" with this is built into the childcare arrangement. 
 
Another reason I ask is because I think that being a SAHD is pretty tough. A lot of what they do with their kids is still dominated by women. I'm sure it's REALLY hard to break into that. To strike up a conversation, to get into the group, to plan a play date. It's hard for women to meet other moms!  We have countless threads about that. SHADs and WOHMs don't need us worrying about some imagined jealousy issue. Most likely they just want their kids to have a nice group of friends and parents who like to hang out with each other. Just like the rest of us. 
 
Believe me I KNOW darned well that people have different beliefs than me. Oh, my gosh!!  And I think a pretty good case can be made for the fact that we make assumptions about what people may or may not be ok with all day.  It just seems infinitely less complicated to me to just leave the decision about this up to the two people in the marriage. 
post #31 of 81

I've always really enjoyed playdates or park meet-ups with dads... I know it's partially because I have a son and dads have usually related better with him than moms. And I'm comfortable around men, having grown up with 5 brothers. They seem to be more willing to play actively with the kids whereas the moms would try to get the kids to go off and play with each other so they could sit and chat. While I would have been happy to sit and chat sometimes, the dad dynamic really added something positive to the playdates.

 

The jealousy issue never would have occurred to me. The focus has always been on the kids and I assume the working moms must be downright happy that their kids are getting out and playing with others without their having to organize it and have it taking away from their limited family time. It also seems egotistical to think I'm every SAHD's "type" even if I thought they were attractive. Most guys aren't my type and I'm not theirs, even though I'm attractive by society's standards. 

post #32 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post
 

All I'm saying is that you should probably check with the wife to see if she's fine with her husband spending time with another woman. How is that "unfeminist" of me? Rather, it is a bit presumptuous to assume the wife will be totally cool with the situation, isn't it?  I'm not saying all women are jealous creatures and all men are horny toads, but in some cases, women are not ok with their husbands inviting and entertaining another women. Some men are uncomfortable with their wives spending time with other men. This is a reality. Some people are different than you, and have different opinions and hangups. Since this is another couple's marriage we're talking about here, maybe it would be best to make sure everyone in that marriage is alright with the situation  (rather than just assume).

That's just my opinion.

I would assume that a guy with a controlling, jealous wife would either a. opt out of social interactions with other women on his own or b. not, in which case their marriage is on a collision course with divorce court, but that has nothing to do with me or some other unconnected woman. It's not my responsibility to police other people's marital boundaries. As long as I'm not doing something inappropriate with somebody else's husband, it's up to him rather than me to navigate whatever boundaries regarding socialization he and his wife might have in place. And it's not inappropriate to invite a married man and his child over to my house to see my own child and me. I don't even think it's inappropriate for a married woman to spend time with a married man one-on-one, although just because of the way things naturally tend to shape up, this is not something I'd typically do unless it was a man/couple that I already knew fairly well. I can't think of any married man I consider a friend whose wife I'm not also friends with, and if I found myself one-on-one with the husband, I can't see any of these women getting upset. 

 

And if it were turned around--if I met the father of a child in my kid's preschool, and invited him and his child for a play date, and he or his wife called my husband to make sure it was okay with him for me to be spending time around another man, I'd be pretty :irked ... my marriage is my business, not theirs. 

post #33 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post
 

 

Crayfishgirl, do you really think everyone has the same beliefs and opinions as you? People are different, you know.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyms View Post
 

Identitycrisis - I understand what you were saying and no you're right that playdate wouldn't fly for me LOL. I know some don't agree with me (obviously no one but Becky I think) but it's just my opinion. It is a do unto others thing and I see it as respectful. I have a marriage and a family. I wouldn't want to do anything that would cause harm to someone else's marriage or family so I feel better about getting to know the family before making assumptions that she would be okay with. I'd feel bad if she wasn't and my assumption caused marital grief and possibly family issues for the child as well. Just my opinion.

 

I don't think that everyone has the same beliefs that I do, but honestly, its shocking to me that your assumptions about my marriage (or that of everyone else) is that (A) the people in that partnership don't trust each other, (B) that interactions of the male partner with other women are him seeking an inappropriate relationship outside his marriage, (C) that the female partner is a jealous shrew, and (D) that their marital relationship is any of your business.  When I interact with parents, male or female, it would never cross my mind to question whether their respective spouse is "okay" with something that they're doing because my assumption is that they trust and make decisions with their partner in mind, and if they don't its none of my business.   

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post
 
Another reason I ask is because I think that being a SAHD is pretty tough. A lot of what they do with their kids is still dominated by women. I'm sure it's REALLY hard to break into that. To strike up a conversation, to get into the group, to plan a play date. It's hard for women to meet other moms!  We have countless threads about that. SHADs and WOHMs don't need us worrying about some imagined jealousy issue. Most likely they just want their kids to have a nice group of friends and parents who like to hang out with each other. Just like the rest of us. 

This.  My at-home husband had a hard time "breaking into" the existing local mom circle.  I'm pretty sure it was because he's somewhat introverted and not because they assumed he was seeking sexual gratification outside of our marriage or that they were concerned that they'd make me jealous.

post #34 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by erigeron View Post
 

I would assume that a guy with a controlling, jealous wife would either a. opt out of social interactions with other women on his own or b. not, in which case their marriage is on a collision course with divorce court, but that has nothing to do with me or some other unconnected woman. It's not my responsibility to police other people's marital boundaries. As long as I'm not doing something inappropriate with somebody else's husband, it's up to him rather than me to navigate whatever boundaries regarding socialization he and his wife might have in place. And it's not inappropriate to invite a married man and his child over to my house to see my own child and me. I don't even think it's inappropriate for a married woman to spend time with a married man one-on-one, although just because of the way things naturally tend to shape up, this is not something I'd typically do unless it was a man/couple that I already knew fairly well. I can't think of any married man I consider a friend whose wife I'm not also friends with, and if I found myself one-on-one with the husband, I can't see any of these women getting upset. 

 

And if it were turned around--if I met the father of a child in my kid's preschool, and invited him and his child for a play date, and he or his wife called my husband to make sure it was okay with him for me to be spending time around another man, I'd be pretty :irked ... my marriage is my business, not theirs. 

 

My response was interrupted due to dog vomit (gag), but you articulated this much more eloquently than I did, Eri.  

post #35 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by crayfishgirl View Post
 


Are you kidding??  Check with the wife to make sure it's okay for her husband to host a playdate where a mother accompanies the child?  That is beyond ridiculous and insulting to both the husband and the wife.

Exactly. And besides, i dont have time to pander to this kind of mentality. Ie, its time consuming enough to manage 3-5parties, myself,  other parent, my child, other child, my childs siblings, etc etc, alot of moving parts there.  Potential jealous spouse? Potential jealous ex girlfriend, crazy MIL, nope, no time for that. No time to think about it, not time to dig up her cell phone, no time to worry about unanswered phone calls. It took me all morning yesterday to manage  a couple of playdates for my couple of kids, all morning.... and thats with the mothers of the kids.

 

A jealous possessive spouse, i just dont have the time. Let them pay for their marriage counsellors time, and leave me out of it.

post #36 of 81
Following along here, and don't really have "side." I can definitely see if from both sides. I don't see a "jealous, controlling wife" in the scenario. I see an woman transitioning from "woman" to "mom" and all the insecurity about our looks, our connection to our spouses, etc. that comes with that transition. Becoming parents is very rough on relationships, and I can definitely understand a woman feeling weird about her husband connecting to another woman when your son connection with him is strained.

P. S. Trying to type on phone....sorry for the errors
post #37 of 81

^^^Well, okay, but if a wife/mom doesn't want her husband hanging out with other women, for whatever reason, I think it's his responsibility to navigate that with her, not mine as an outsider to the marriage to consult with her. If I invite him for a play date, and he knows his wife doesn't want him hanging around with other women, he can decline. No big deal. 

post #38 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post

I'd invite them to the park or another indoor play area with a specific day and time a few times then consider playdates if they still get along. Having the first few at your house may also work and you can offer him a beverage if he wants to stay. I wouldn't expect to be invited to stay for a kindergarten playdate whether it was mom or dad at this age. After preschool it is very rare for a parent to stick around whether a mom is hosting or not. I think having to host kills the joy of having another child around for your kid to play with so I tended not to invite the parents who couldn't detach from their kids after the first couple playdates. Not allowing the other family to host also comes with a cost and I wouldn't go that route if I had it to do over again.

I always stayed for playdates when my son was that age. My son was still a bit of a handful at 5. Maybe my daughter I would drop off for a playdate at that age, if I knew the parents for a while through school, etc. I wouldn't just drop off a young child for a playdate if I didn't know the parents that well yet. 

post #39 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by erigeron View Post
 

^^^Well, okay, but if a wife/mom doesn't want her husband hanging out with other women, for whatever reason, I think it's his responsibility to navigate that with her, not mine as an outsider to the marriage to consult with her. If I invite him for a play date, and he knows his wife doesn't want him hanging around with other women, he can decline. No big deal. 

Agreed. 

 

If an assumption about someone else's marriage needs to be made, I'd rather the assumption be that the relationship is respectful and has good communication. This is very much how I would want to be treated. 

post #40 of 81
Thread Starter 
OP here. Interesting discussion! I hadn't considered the jealous wife angle. That's not really a concern for me since, as some of you mentioned, if his wife isn't okay with stuff like this then it's really up to him to decline invitations.

I just wanted to provide an update with how things went. It ended up being too hot/windy to go to the park last week (in January -- ugh, I wish it would rain!!), so, taking the advice here, I swept aside my hesitation and invited the girl and her dad to our house.

At school pick-up, however, he just gave me his DD's booster seat and let me take her home. I was surprised, since he and I have literally spoken to each other for about 90 seconds in our lives, but I went with it. The girls had a nice time, and then I took DD's friend home. The dad was very nice (as usual) when I dropped her off, and said a couple of times that my DD is welcome at their house anytime.

Now, it's nice of him to offer to reciprocate, but now I feel like the parentless play date has been established and he'll expect me to follow that precedent. I know some parents are more loose with this kind of stuff (clearly, since he sent his DD home with me, a virtual stranger), but there's just no way I'm doing that.

A couple of you have mentioned that it's annoying when parents tag along on play dates because then you have to visit with them instead of being free to get stuff done around the house, and I agree for the most part, but for me that's after the initial getting-to-know-you phase, which I feel is just a necessary time/energy investment in my kids' social relationships. I'm not willing to skip that part.

Anyway, gender aside, any advice for declining the dad's offers for my DD to go home with them after school? Do I just come along as though I'm invited? Do I go back to suggesting park days? Do I just keep offering to host and hope that the appeal of an afternoon off will outweigh the desire to reciprocate for him? Do I just flat out tell him that I need to get to know him better before DD can come over without me?
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