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Handling Resentment

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

I have a son who will be two in May.  His father is not involved, even though I encourage him to visit.  We are in different states. There is a court order for support, and we just had an enforcement hearing last week because he isn't paying what he is ordered. In the few recent, civil conversations we've had over the last year, we both "agreed" that our differences in "opinion" regarding his child support obligation would not interfere with his spending time with our son.  

 

He still never comes to visit, never calls, never even texts to see how his son is doing.  I don't talk about this much with my family or friends, and when I do it turns into a rant.  I feel so much negativity inside of me and I am unsure of how to channel it.  I don't drink anymore, and I've had health issues that prevent me from participating in my old stress-relievers, like biking or running.

 

Aside from feeling as if I have unresolved anger and resentment, I also have major anxiety over the fact that this "man" is going to be in our lives forever, if only on the periphery.  I worry what my son will think if he ever feels that his dad doesn't love him.  My blood pressure surges just thinking about someone being inhumane enough to not even make a phone call. or ask to see a picture of him.  I think for me, I struggle most with not being able to wrap my mind around the fact that he doesn't care about this precious child.  If there were a logical answer, I could move forward intelligently.  But anytime I think about his dad, I get angry and feel like he has no soul.  

 

I thought that regardless of child support issues, he would still want to see his son.  But we are approaching two years, and he has seen him twice, both times before he was 6 months old.  

 

How do you keep all your marbles?

 

How do you remain spiritually and physically healthy with anger that churns and creates sludge in the heart?

 

How do you ensure that your little one comes out "whole" in the grand scheme?  

 

Will it really all be okay?  Flu Prevention

post #2 of 6

I honestly don't know why some men can walk from their children.  I really don't.  My friends' husbands are appalled that my XH has no relationship with his child.  It's quite unbelievable to me.

 

In my case, I filed for divorce when DS was 3.  When I filed, XH moved out of state to live with his family and then moved to another state for a "job."  He never responded to any divorce paperwork so I was awarded sole custody and (minimal) child support.  He paid it for a while (maybe a year altogether).  He spoke to my son sporadically and saw him a few times a year.

 

Suddenly, it all stopped.  He hasn't paid child support in 2.5 years (the last payment came the month he saw him for the last time) and hasn't spoken to DS in 2 years.

 

This is entirely on my XH.  I have NEVER withheld visitation.  I have NEVER prevented them from skyping or talking on the phone.  I told him I would even fly to his city with DS to enable more frequent visitation (if XH paid for DS' plane ticket).  Nothing..nah dah.

 

I used to get all ranty to my friends / family / husband, but I guess I'm over it now.  It probably helps that I'm remarried and DS adores my DH.  He very rarely mentions his "other dad."  

 

However, I also worry that XH will come waltzing back into DS' life like nothing has ever happened.  Probably with some convenient excuse.  I speak to my former ILs a few times a year and they are disgusted with him as well.  They rarely speak to him either and cannot believe he thinks he can "fix" things somehow in the future.  

 

I also get the "he has no soul" feeling.  I do think XH is a sociopath.  So in his mind, he does nothing wrong.  It's "everyone else" who is the problem.  Roll eyes....

 

I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone (maybe living with her) and that I just don't get.  She's divorced and has a child.  What kind of nonsense is my XH feeding her that she thinks it's OK that he NEVER sees or speak with his only child ???  On what planet is that acceptable ???

 

Ugh.  I feel for you.  I guess my only thought is it gets better with time.  And I know that DS is better off without him.  If he decides to try and have a relationship in the future, we will just deal with it when the time comes.

 

But DS is a happy, well-adjusted second grader.  Super duper smart.  Well liked by his teachers and friends.  All in all, a joy to be around.  We know what XH is missing out on...even if he doesn't.

post #3 of 6

Honestly, you reach a point where you just let go of being angry or it consumes you.  It's nearing 10 years here.  All I can tell my daughter is that I don't know why he makes the decisions he does, but they are a reflection of who he is, and not who she is.  She's ok with that. She has a great family, a stepdad she sometimes (though not always) gets along with, and little brothers she adores. 

Life goes on- dwelling won't  help. 

post #4 of 6

Gratitude.

Embrace the life I have, the people I have in it, rather than seeing a gaping hole.

post #5 of 6

This is your logical answer- don't force it.  If you try to force a relationship between your child and his father, it will hurt your child more than if his father just phases out.  It sucks, yeah, but I speak from experience, as a child as well as a parent.

post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 

Thanks, everyone.  It really helped me just to write that post.  It sorted out my feelings in a constructive way, and having this dialogue helps, too.  I appreciate the comments, and I'm glad there are those of you who understand and relate.  Letting it go is a challenge, but I do try and focus on all the beauty I've found in my son. Unfortunately, his dad is missing all of it.

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