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Some intimacy issues I've been having...

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 

I am not sure if there's a better place for this, if so, I apologize in advance.


I have two separate issues here that I could just use some support with.  Just FYI, it's a little graphic.


Issue 1: I don't like being fingered by my s.o. much at all anymore.  I feel like about a year ago, my sex drive and sexual preferences changed or shifted a little.  On the one hand, my drive went WAY up.  It was like my libido took off.  On the other hand, I have become really sensitive down there.  His fingers just feel too poky for me, for lack of a better description.  He keeps his nails nice and short so that's not the problem.  It almost gives me a creepy-crawly feeling when he does it sometimes, like I just can't stand it.  The issue here is I am wondering how to bring it up without making it sound like I'm telling he's bad at it.  I do still like it sometimes, but I have to be really aroused to enjoy it.  I dislike it often enough that I feel like I should talk to him and tell him he should only do it if I say to, rather than just doing it by default, because telling him to stop sort of is a mood killer.  I just don't know how to bring it up.  We're very open about this sort of thing so that's not the problem, I just don't know how to not hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate.


Issue 2: This is sort of related.  I made the mistake of posting about this problem on a certain online forum, asking for advice.  I got some good responses, and then I got a slough of people telling me, "OMG it's probably an infection, go see a gyno" and "you should be seeing one yearly anyway so bring it up next time", blah blah blah.


Honestly I have never seen a gyno and I never plan to.  I am just not comfortable enough with it for it to be worth it.  Any problem that I could have, I have such a low chance of it that I feel it is worth the low risk in exchange for not having a stranger grope my privates.  It would just feel like sexual abuse to me.  I wouldn't let some stranger do that, and I guess I can't justify one doing it simply because they have a medical license.  I just would not handle it well mentally and I feel that the after effects of it all would be way way worse than dealing with extra sensitivity that probably has nothing to do with an infection and more to do with my libido shifting.


Furthermore, if I had an infection for a whole year, I think I would have some sort of idea that there was a problem.  But really, is there such a thing as an infection that the only symptom is increased sensitivity?  I would be really surprised if there was.  I am in a completely monogamous relationship and any infection I can think of that I could just "get" would be like a yeast infection or something similar and I definitely don't have that.


It just upset me because some of the people who replied acted like I was crazy for not wanting to see a dr.  I replied that I am really in tune with my body and I prefer non-traditional methods of healing.  Might as well have gone running naked across the park for the way they replied to that.  They really thought I was nuts.  It's like to them, I'm a bad human being and a bad woman for not doing my duty to my body and going for an annual exam.  I have always listened to my body and frankly, it responds better to holistic approaches.  No, I don't go to the dr. like some people do.  Why does that have to make me a loon?


Sorry for the rant.  And I understand that not everyone here feels the same way, I just figured you all would be more understanding than the sheep I chose to confide in.  Thanks for listening.

post #2 of 17

I would go to a gyn. Go to female one and explain that you are sensitive.

I do not know how old you are but it could be thinning and drying of the tissues rather than an infection. Doctor can help you with it.


I would talk to your DH in very polite and sincere  tone. People's sexual preferences change .

post #3 of 17
Thread Starter 

I am not comfortable with going to a gyno.  That was half of the point of this post :/


As for the talking part, I will definitely be as tactful as possible.  I want him to understand this didn't come as a result of him doing something wrong.

post #4 of 17
Not my favorite act either. smile.gif I usually just tell him in as suggestive a way as possible to do something else. Not the most direct way, but yeah..don't want hurt feelings either.
post #5 of 17
I'm sorry bunny. None of that sounds fun to me. Not the tactful talking to SO, not the fingering, not the gyno, not the being told to go to the gyno. I just don't know...at least you have libido. Hugs.

Sort of strange to write hugs after libido.
post #6 of 17
Thread Starter 
 Sort of strange to write hugs after libido.

Lol'd at that, thank you :)


It's true that I don't have much to complain about in the libido department.  If hypersensitivity is the price I pay, I suppose I can learn to live with that.

post #7 of 17
Thread Starter 

stormborn, I am glad to hear I am not the only one!  It's weird because I used to like it and occasionally I still do.  I guess everyone changes some!

post #8 of 17
I totally get it. I'm pretty much done with vaginal exams. It sounds like it might be from dryness, or maybe just some change in your chemistry. If you have good communication with your man then just tell him like you told us. I know it's hard but it sounds like he would understand and I'm sure he would not want to continue hurting you!
post #9 of 17
Thread Starter 

You might be onto something with the dryness issue.  I think I remember this starting around the time I noticed I was going through a lot more lube :P

post #10 of 17

Can I just very gently and with the greatest respect suggest you consider a gyn exam?  You don't have to go yearly if you don't want but, I've personally known young women with no symptoms who ended up with cervical and ovarian cancer.  One very advanced stage because she did not get regular paps.  I'm not saying that's what's going on but, I do think it's dangerous to skip a very easy screening exam that could save your life.  


As far as what to say to your partner, I'm at a loss on that one.  There are so many things I wish I could say to mine but he is so overwhelmingly sensitive to any discussion like that.  If you have a partner who is open to it, I think you have a prize there and I'd just maybe mention something while it's happening - just say that your really sensitive tonight and could he maybe change position and then after, I'd probably bring it up and say that's been happening more and more lately so maybe he could not do that for a while. 

post #11 of 17
Maybe get some bedroom foreplay card games that give different ideas and tell him you want to experiment with different ways of being turned on. This worked well when I was married and we both got out of the box ideas that made sex fun.

I'd go in for a thyroid test because I was having incredibly strange symptoms and it turned out to be my thyroid. I also went for a pap smear and they found some abnormal cells that they are watching at this point. I was at very low risk and shocked because I'd been abstinent most of the seven years before that so I do think an exam can be a good idea when combined with other symptoms. I get that you hate them, I cry afterwards and spend the day in bed, but they can catch things that would otherwise kill you so I personally do them even though they are traumatic.
post #12 of 17

Would you be comfortable consulting a midwife who does a home visit?? I'm not comfy with gyn exams either (although I go because I definitely had some issues postpartum i NEEDED to see one for)-- but my midwife's exams at home were far more comfortable emotionally and physically.

post #13 of 17
I know that having a baby changed me in so many ways, almost 5 years on I'm still trying to come to terms with my sexual needs. Between hormones, body changes, and psychological baggage, its been a struggle at times to feel comfortable with sex. Having a caring partner is very helpful, but I understand the guilt attached to making that kind of admission to your loved one. On the other hand, its a lesser evil than lying about something so intimate. And its only big deal if you make it a big deal, you know?
I didn't see a gyno until I was almost 21, b/c like you, I had no need to. I have a history of sexual abuse, and while I've never felt abused by the medical community, I have always sought out maternal figures to perform exams, etc. With all due respect, some of the phrasing in your post makes me wonder if there are past sexual traumas you're dealing with?
post #14 of 17

:(  I know going to a gyn. is not something we look forward to.  That being said, my gyn. found an ovarian cyst that I had to have surgery for.  My gyn. is also the one that insisted I start getting mammograms....and I have been recalled twice now to have further testing to make sure everything was ok on my left side -- and performing self exams were not enough.  Do I like these visits?  Absolutely not.  I cringe.  But, I do them because I am unable to accurately know what is going on inside of me.  I had no idea that I had an ovarian cyst.  No symptoms.  It was the size of a grapefruit by the time it was removed.


For the record.....yes, stuff changed for me too after having kids.  I nursed both my kids.....and now I don't like DH touching my boobs anymore.  At all.  My poor husband.  :(

post #15 of 17

I had to have cells removed from my cervix at age 19, and again at 29.  Thank god for pap smears, and how effective early detection is against cervical cancer.

post #16 of 17

I have long time sexual issues arising from trauma which in the past have interfered with my ability to access health care.  It sucks.  You deserve to get health care and to be able to address whatever issues you have with expert help.  I currently see a midwife for my gyn care and it has helped me feel much more relaxed.  Talked at first appt about my boundaries and at first we didn't even do a pelvic exam ever.  Over time have we have developed trust and now I can have a pelvic exam without panicking or pain - total autonomy, my choice, my request.  (Although I'm requesting anti anxiety meds for my IUD insertion.)

post #17 of 17

It might be a hormonal issue which is changing the sensitivity of the tissue. Maybe do some research into Maca Root? 

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