Thank you Olive and Josie. I saw my midwife today. I think I was able to communicate how I have been feeling for the first time even for myself. I have a lot of stuff floating around in that head of mine. I have been feeling very pressured to preform. Like if anything goes wrong with this birth everything we have worked so hard for financially will be down the tubes and it will be all my fault. Hubby and I lost everything when the market crashed. I was in real estate and he was in construction. We have spent the last 5 years rebuilding and digging and clawing our way out of a very large hole. Only in the last 6 months have we started to feel like we could breathe and I end up pregnant. After 9 years of successful family planning, something goes wrong.
Facing financial ruin again, because of medical bills, is terrifying for me. So I feel this enormous pressure to have the perfect birth again. #1 & 2 were perfect...I think to myself, is my luck gonna run out?
I guess I was hoping the US would say to me, no worries!...green light, all systems go, or something like that...but I know it doesn't work like that.
My mother is also living close by for the first time since I left home at 18. And she is very against my birth choices. I feel like she would just love for me to end up in the hospital so she could say I told you so. So it's just more pressure. I have always had a very strained relationship with her because my father was so abusive...but now for the first time I'm trying to build something with her..so just telling her to buzz off isn't really an option. I need to handle this gently. It was easy when she was 100's of miles away and showed up after baby came. It's gonna be a little trickier this time....
Josie...I am sorry for your abusive relationship and your regrets. I wish you healing and peace.
One good thing the midwife said was that she may have found a solution for the US dilema.
something affordable. We shall see. I'm hopeful.