It's been awhile since I posted here, but I've returned because I don't know what else to do and maybe it's me that's doing something wrong.
I should start by saying that I love my daughter, she's funny, very smart and has a very vivid imagination. She has been ultra high needs forever, every stage has had it's difficulty and she's very very attached to me. There are a few things right now that I'm not sure how to handle and if I should be concerned.
My daughter won't listen to me and is extremely defiant. I have to say something 20 times and she can see that the behaviour is clearly bothering me, but she won't stop until I lose it and scream. It can be things like climbing all over me, grabbing something she's not supposed to, like the egg I needed for dinner and kept asking her to leave it where it was until we needed to use it, it ended being dropped onto e floor, or things like pulling my hair, kicking me.
When I end up getting mad because I've repeated something so many times and raise my voice. She will start saying "you hate me? You hate me! You really hate me". I repeat about 20 times that I don't hate her, but she will continue to say it. We never use the word hate towards anybody so I don't know why she says this. I've talked about not using such a strong word and how it makes me feel when she says I hate her or she hates me and she's promised not to, but the promise doesn't last a day. It's something I hear every time im explaining we can't do something or why something is not ok or if I lose my temper and yell. And I hate yelling! Haha
She gets really really upset when things don't go her way or we tell her something she doesn't like. She'll run upstairs to her room crying snd you'll find her saying things like "I will never love you again mama and I Willi run away and kill myself". I mean is it normal for a child that's not even 5 to say things like these? I always feel like the whole dramatic spectacle is extremely manipulative, but I'm also concerned. She seems to obsessed with death, when I say no to something, it always goes to, but if I don't X, I'll die.
I feel like I've tried the gentle, let's talk and hug and reassure and understand and also the more authoritative approach, but there's been no progress. I know she understands and she's said that she just gets so mad that she says things like that and can't help herself to say she'll kill herself and run away of hates me or say things like you're stupid and I don't like you. I try to get her to use other ways to express her anger and make her understand that I know how she feels, but that those things hurt me a lot. I've tried books, I've tried letting her know she can go and take a moment to herself. She definitely has a very strong temper and me and DH are just so mellow, it's hard for us to balance the responding in a kind loving way and feeling like she's walking all over us.
End rant. Thanks in advance for any input.