or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Living where I don't want to be, far away from family,
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Living where I don't want to be, far away from family,

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
When I moved to the opposite end of the country from my family 9 years ago (Ontario to Yukon) I loved it. I didn't have kids or a partner then, and I quite enjoyed the physical distance. I loved the isolated little community I chose to make my home, and didn't mind only seeing family once a year. I thought the distance and isolation was a novelty. I thought it made me unique, and set me apart from the rest of my family (literally and figuratively!)

Fast forward 9 years. I've got two little ones, and my sister has a baby now, too. The glamour of my northern lifestyle has faded. I want nothing more than to move back to Ontario to be closer to my family. Unfortunately, we're not able to make such a move for at least another 3, more likely 5, years. We've just returned from a 2 month stay with my parents and I feel such a deep sadness and homesickness. I miss my sister, I miss my mom. I want Sunday dinners with everyone all together. I want my kids to grow up playing with their cousins. I want to be there for holidays and birthdays. My husband suggested me and our boys stay with my parents indefinitely, and he would come every 2 weeks or once a month (he runs a hotel/bar, and the business is still fairly new to him). When he suggested it, we were still at my parents and I hated the thought. Now that we're back here, so far away, I'm reconsidering. I feel like I'm in exile. The sadness makes it hard to function some days, and I know that's why DH suggested it. He's worried about me.

I'm not sure what my point is in posting this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you make it work? How do you survive living somewhere you don't want to be anymore? Anyone living apart from their partner? How does that work for you?
post #2 of 13

When we were in a similar situation, it helped me to have a time frame and regular visits scheduled.  I knew from the beginning that I didn't want my new, far-away home to be HOME and my husband was ok with that.  If you both have a goal of moving, start working on that now.  Save money, build job skills, do what you need to do to make a move possible in three years.  The time will go by anyway, it will go faster if you're working towards something you really want.

 

I would not have moved myself or my child away from my husband.  I am pretty sure that would've been bad for u as a couple, as parents, and as a family.

post #3 of 13
I am in kind of a similar situation. I moved from Ohio to California 14 years ago. I was fresh out of grad school and single. Now I am married to someone who is also from Ohio and we have a baby boy. Being away from our families was very good for us for various reasons, but now that we have the baby we struggle with some of the same things. We want our son to grow up around his grandparents and cousins. I had a big family and have so many wonderful families of being with them when I was a kid. I don't want my son to miss that. My wife is an only child and our son is the only grandchild on her side so she feels especially like her parents are missing out on the grandchild special times. We talk about moving closer to our families, but it will also be very hard to leave our family here. We have great friends who are aunties for our son and they see him all the time. I would be sad too if they were not in our lives. We have really good jobs here, and we love the political climate and the actual climate. The weather back East sucks frankly and the politics are not as great for us as a 2-mom family. If my wife can get her dream job in Pennsylvania, we will move, but it will probably be a few years. We go back home to visit when we can but it is expensive and more difficult now that we have a baby. We were just there for Christmas and it was exhausting.
post #4 of 13

@BushMama83 my heart goes out to you! I'm in an extremely similar circumstance. All my life, I thought I'd be 100% fine with living anywhere but my hometown. I went away for college, then moved to my husband's college town when we married (1900 miles away from our hometown!), then moved to Philadelphia for his medical schooling. Now we're in the middle of rural Pennsylvania for his clinical years, and we're facing being here another 5-7 years. It's honestly not the worst place in the world, but now that we have a daughter, everything's changed. I miss my mother with this desperate ache, I miss my family and friends, my in-laws. I find myself missing experiences my daughter isn't having- things my husband and I did at her age, that due to where we live, she will miss out on. I also find that travel to and from here is very expensive and difficult with a child, much less more children. I get depressed thinking that it could be ages before we're in San Diego again.

 

My husband suggested something similar to yours, and I've yet to take him up on it because I just can't break up my family like that. My daughter needs her dad. I will just have to make do somehow, someway. "It's only temporary... this too shall pass... I can do hard things!" is my mantra these days. And I've been wanting to get "it is what it is" tattooed onto my forehead. ha! Hugs to you. I could have written your post.

post #5 of 13

hi Bushmama

 

I know the feeling of missing your family so much once you have a family of your own! I only live about 6-7 hours drive from my family but that is still a lot. We now visit about 4 times a year for a week and I generally feel sad when I leave too. My son is almost 4 and it was only since he was born that I had any desire to go spend a lot of time with my parents and sister! That's what having kids does to you.

 

We live near my dh's family ( but none of them have other young kids) so at least ds gets his grandparents form dh's side about once a week.

 

But I miss my parents a lot. And my sistr has some little kids same age range as my only child, and I often wish ds could grow up with his cousins. I have thought many times about moving back there but for me I don't think I would really like it-- it is much more busy and crowded than where I live now and I actually like a lot about where I live now.

 

But I do miss my family a lot. Ilove going to see them and having my son play with my parents- they connect really well.

 

As for your situation, it is a tough call to decide between either being apart from the rest of your family or your husband. Can your husband just totally change his whole path and move with you and start a new job in Ontario?

The older I get the more I see how time and life passes and the most important thing is to spend time with the ones we love. I wish so much  I could live where I live but see my parents twice a week.

post #6 of 13

Same here.  I live on the opposite side of the country of where I grew up -- and I miss my siblings very much.

 

I was the same as you -- left home to figure out my life.  DH and I had no children for 6 years before we moved to where we are now.  We live where he grew up.  At first I was ok with it but as the years have ticked by, I have become sadder and sadder.  There isn't anything here for me.  My husband has roots....and now my kids have roots....but I have no roots.

 

At times it has been excruciatingly lonely.  DH would work out of State every other week while I stayed home with a baby and a toddler.  I have learned to enjoy my "me" time now.  Nobody else can make me happy.

 

His family has been ok, but not really.  They don't speak English very well, which in itself has furthered my isolation from them.  I figured that after living in the US for 50 years that they would have mastered the language but I guess not.  I have been a part of their lives for almost 20 years....and it makes me sad that they are unable to make the effort to learn for the sake of my kids and even myself.  It isn't like they never had the time...it's just another excuse to be excluding and it has been rather awkward for me.

 

I miss my siblings dearly.  I could have used their help so much when my kids were younger.  Because of the language barrier with DH's family, I could never have relied on them for anything when DH traveled or if I needed a break. 

 

The only reason we live where we live is because of DH's parents. 

 

If we could have done things differently, I would have insisted that we live somewhere in the middle of our two families.  It would have been the fair thing to do. 

 

I feel trapped and isolated.  What I would give to move...

post #7 of 13

No real advice, just commiseration here.  Having children sure does change things.  I am sad for our children to not have the same experiences I had growing up (big family get togethers very regularly, lots of cousins to play with, a community of family supporters, etc).  And it was always with a heavy heart that I stepped onto that airplane to return 'home' after our visits back east.  

 

I guess if I did have advice, it would be to push for dh to relocate to be closer to your family sooner than 3-5 years and look for new work there.  It sounds like the finances are healthy enough that he can afford a cross-country trip every couple of weeks or month....so why not just put the business up for sale and pack up and leave?  Looking back, if I could do it all over again, I would have not been afraid to ask for such a thing and realized that my needs were just as important as dh's.  How do I cope?  Honestly, some days I don't know.....but I am mostly just too busy to think about it, and I try to look for the things I appreciate about where I am.  But I am still sad to be away from them all, especially around holidays.  Once the children start school it is even harder to travel (and the costs are prohibitive during school holidays/peak season).

post #8 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
 

I would not have moved myself or my child away from my husband.  I am pretty sure that would've been bad for u as a couple, as parents, and as a family.

Especially this!  

 

There are many ways to go, but don't move away without your dh.  You said that a move wouldn't be possible for 3-5 years and that is too long to have a long distance relationship with your husband.  However, if it is feasible for him to visit on weekends, then why don't you and the kids plan a monthly trip to grandmas and stay 3-4 days each time.  That way, you still live with your dh & kids.  You still get a lot of family time and the kids still get to play with their cousins.  

 

FWIW, we live close to family now and my kids don't play a ton with their cousins.  They did when they were little, but the don't have much in common now. There is an annual family gathering and everyone plays then, and then there are the holidays and spring break.  All those times are when the two families who live out of town come into town.  Everyone plays and gathers at those times.  We sometimes gather for a bbq in the summer without the out of towners.  However, in our case, those that live out of town play with us just about as often as those that live near.  

 

Amy

post #9 of 13

similar situation here too. many miles. 

 

either which way you go - it is a 'lose' situation. moving in with your parents, or staying where you are now - there is mourning involved. unless you get your dream job and can move completely. 

 

finding the mid point is the solution. whenever you can afford travel. or have family visit you if you have a large enough space. i think if you saw family about once every 3 months or so it wouldnt feel that bad. 

 

pepin i am curious. have you tried to learn the language? do your kids speak the language. since most immigrants lose their language by the 3rd generation born here, i can see why some keep to their language here. i guess its a two way street. i am sad to see so many of them lose their language and many mourn they dont know anything about their culture anymore. 

post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Having little ones really does change priorities. I think for now I will try to visit every 3 or 4 months. It helps to have that visit to look forward to, and makes the time go by. I know in my heart that moving in with my parents without my husband would be the beginning of the end, and that's not what I want. It's silly to take the boys away from their father to be closer to their grandparents.

AAK, you make a good point that living close to family doesn't always mean seeing them often. One positive to the distance is that our visits are always high quality.

Alpenglow, unfortunately we live in such an isolated spot, it will take years to find a buyer. We travel on the airmiles my husband accumulates, and I'm so grateful for that. Like you, I try hard to keep busy and focus on the positives about where I live now. There was a reason I chose to live here, afterall!

Pepin, I'm so sorry it's been so hard for you. I know just what you mean about feeling trapped and isolated. Are you able to visit your family often?

PokeyAC, it is so exhausting travelling with a little one! Definitely makes visits home a challenge.

NiteNicole, we are starting to flesh out a future plan, and to talk about ways to accelerate the move. It really helps.
post #11 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
 

pepin i am curious. have you tried to learn the language? do your kids speak the language. since most immigrants lose their language by the 3rd generation born here, i can see why some keep to their language here. i guess its a two way street. i am sad to see so many of them lose their language and many mourn they dont know anything about their culture anymore. 

Nope.  They speak Cantonese.  French and Italian were all I could handle -- I just don't have the ear.  Everything sounds the same to me.  :(

 

Believe me when I say that they are happy to be here in the US -- their culture is very much alive in their home and just about anywhere they go -- shopping, restaurants, etc.  So, it has been easy to keep functioning in their native tongue.  This was something I didn't think hard enough about prior to marrying my husband.  I was just happy to be with him and should have thought about the impact of his situation.  Oops.  *sigh*  Both our families were actually against us marrying each other.

post #12 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by BushMama83 View Post


Pepin, I'm so sorry it's been so hard for you. I know just what you mean about feeling trapped and isolated. Are you able to visit your family often?

 

I visited them 2 years ago.  When the plane took off from the airport after my visit, I burst into tears.  My familiar New England landscape was disappearing and becoming smaller and smaller.  My siblings have each other and I am happy for them.  I just wish we weren't so far apart.  My sister visited a year and a half ago...it was short.

 

Many years ago we asked my brother to visit us.  He declined because he was afraid that he would be upset over seeing what we had -- a house, our kids, etc....the American dream.  He has been struggling for many years to find employment and is in debt.  He would be depressed to see what we have.  When we visit, he is ok with us.  But, I sense tension.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to visit my siblings at the moment....same kind of mentality as my brother.  I know they spend time together -- dinners, day trips, BBQs, Holidays....they are there for each other.  I fear that I will become more depressed.

 

I want what they have. 

 

Yes, I have made friends here.....and I have DH....and my adorable dog.  But, something has been missing for years.....and it is that: my siblings.

post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepin View Post

 

Yes, I have made friends here.....and I have DH....and my adorable dog.  But, something has been missing for years.....and it is that: my siblings.

(((HUGS))) i feel the same way as you. we are a close knit family. and its hard to not have them around. 

 

i lost my dad 14 years ago. i have never recovered from his loss. no one ever tells you how devastating it is to lose a parent. i discovered it the hard way. 

 

i have friends and have made a life for myself here - but its not the same. i have not been able to recreate that closeness.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Talk Amongst Ourselves
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Living where I don't want to be, far away from family,