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Mothering › Groups › August 2014 Due Date Club › Discussions › I am 13 weeks and have not told my family

I am 13 weeks and have not told my family

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 

I am in a hurtful situation. I am 13 weeks pregnant..happily married to hubby for 17 years. on our 4th child. But I can't tell my family, they won't approve. Do you think it's terrible of me to not tell them at all ?? or to wait till I am 36 weeks or so?? what would you do?? they've been really hurtful in the past when I've gotten pregnant or miscarried.. 

post #2 of 17

This is my 9th baby which already gets people all in a fuss. To top it off, I had a horrible miscarriage a couple years ago and almost died. 2 blood transfusions and a massive seizure. Needless to say, when I told my Mom she was less than excited. Even sent me the numbers to some abortion clinics. I told her to go stick it where the sun doesn't shine and that this is my life. I won't tolerate any negativity about the pregnancy and if she starts going there, I cut her off, wish her well and go on about my business. I told them mostly because I figured they would find out. Facebook, my kids, my brother or cousins.. etc. I don't regret telling her. it's her problem not mine. Like you, I have been married for over 20 years. I'm no sprung chicken, but I had all the testing done and everything looks great. I am 14 weeks today. I support whatever decision you make and share this only to let you know what my situation was. We have yet to tell Mark's parents. As far as I'm concerned, that's his problem. They will think we're nuts and talk about us negatively behind our backs, but so be it. Do what you need to do.

post #3 of 17

I see nothing wrong with waiting to tell for awhile.  Just do what you feel comfortable with.  If I had family acting negatively like that I wouldn't tell them either until I absolutely had to.  

post #4 of 17

Go with whatever reduces your stress.  I just told our families because I was starting to stress over having not told them.  I sent cards in the mail.  Call me a chicken.  I figured it would give them time to get over their initial shock.  It worked with some, not so much with others.

post #5 of 17
Thread Starter 

yes, i am chicken too!!!  I just can't go through all that again. my mom was terrible to me.. telling me she didnt' want a grandbaby, etc.. I just can't :(    and then when I miscarried she was just as terrible. I am just not ready for this. I thought about telling them all after the baby was born..

post #6 of 17
I'm almost 16 weeks and haven't told most of my side of the family.

They are out of town and I don't really care if/when/how they find out. It's not like they're going to help me in any way or even make any effort to come and see the baby.

Heck- I'll tell them when they pick up the phone and call me. Baby will be in kindergarten by then and he can tell them himself wink1.gif

Am I bitter-yes! But if they aren't going to be a positive force then I don't see why it's your responsibility to inform them. Certainly not if they are going to give you a hard time.
post #7 of 17

I am 13-ish weeks with #7. We have told my parents but not mil. She happens to live next door so she is going to figure it out sooner or later. Not sure why my hubby hasn't told her but I doubt she will be too thrilled. She thought we should have stopped after the first two. But thankfully by the time the baby gets here she always gets over it.

post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 

I am the opposite LOL..we've told hubby's parents but not mine. I don't think they were thrilled..but they love our children and that's all that matters. I am not saying my family doesnt' love my children..they eventually get used to the idea. I want to tell my dad, but I don't want him telling my sister, who might tell my mom :(

post #9 of 17

i wait a bit, but it often comes up... when you're doing NFP and already have 5 kids, it's less traumatic b/c people have QUIT thinking i'm going to do something 'reasonable' or 'normal'.  my sister calls my 'pregnito' and means it in love.  my grandmother had 6 and my mother had 5 so people in my family are less negative than many.  and my husband's cousin is expecting her 8th (single, twins, single, triplets, expecting single :kid soon).  and people on both sides are supportive of it even if a little :flipped

 

i also share w/ people who will pray for me, not those who will 'worry' and tell me bad things.  even my MIL brought up hoping for a m/c and i was like 'unlikely and undesired'.....

 

so give yourself space.  you don't have to tell them now and have to deal w/ it.  you can deal w/ it when you're ready.  hopefully before birth, but whatever works for you!!!

post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 

 

omg!! she said she was hoping for a miscarriage! how very full of hatred :(  I do only tell people that will pray for us :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by HouseofPeace View Post
 

i wait a bit, but it often comes up... when you're doing NFP and already have 5 kids, it's less traumatic b/c people have QUIT thinking i'm going to do something 'reasonable' or 'normal'.  my sister calls my 'pregnito' and means it in love.  my grandmother had 6 and my mother had 5 so people in my family are less negative than many.  and my husband's cousin is expecting her 8th (single, twins, single, triplets, expecting single :kid soon).  and people on both sides are supportive of it even if a little :flipped

 

i also share w/ people who will pray for me, not those who will 'worry' and tell me bad things.  even my MIL brought up hoping for a m/c and i was like 'unlikely and undesired'.....

 

so give yourself space.  you don't have to tell them now and have to deal w/ it.  you can deal w/ it when you're ready.  hopefully before birth, but whatever works for you!!!

post #11 of 17

i was not surprised- as my initial response was 'maybe it won't stick' (there's an HONEST response that i won't say is even mildly true anymore, but it was an early thought as i knew the day of conceiving/possible ovulation that i would be pregnant that cycle) and my MIL is very direct, i told her it was too late at that point- i tend to be quite sticky!!!  she also had 3 m/c and i think at some level thought that would be easier for us than another child and also was sincerely worried that the flu might have be damaging.  i vented earlier on this forum b/c it was when we were out buying prenatals together!  she wasn't mean, but did say it.  i got grumpy.  but all is well.  i don't expect enthusiastic support from most people but have been pleasantly surprised by the majority!

post #12 of 17
Thread Starter 

well that's just tacky of her ... but I am glad you are able to stand on your own and get past it. all babies are precious and gifts 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by HouseofPeace View Post
 

i was not surprised- as my initial response was 'maybe it won't stick' (there's an HONEST response that i won't say is even mildly true anymore, but it was an early thought as i knew the day of conceiving/possible ovulation that i would be pregnant that cycle) and my MIL is very direct, i told her it was too late at that point- i tend to be quite sticky!!!  she also had 3 m/c and i think at some level thought that would be easier for us than another child and also was sincerely worried that the flu might have be damaging.  i vented earlier on this forum b/c it was when we were out buying prenatals together!  she wasn't mean, but did say it.  i got grumpy.  but all is well.  i don't expect enthusiastic support from most people but have been pleasantly surprised by the majority!

post #13 of 17

I am 13 weeks as well and have only told my dad, not my mom or my boyfriend's parents, extended family, etc.  I am a full-time law student and also care for my 18month old son almost full time (except when in class), and we are not married, etc.  Plus my mom doesn't really approve of our relationship, so although she loves her grandson, I think she would be bothered by me being more anchored to my boyfriend (instead of a taller, richer man she would desire for me).  

 

My mom lives out of state, so I have been able to get away with it.  She is back in town when I am 15 weeks, so I will have to tell everyone then.  She is too observant of my body!!

 

But do what you're comfortable with!!  You don't need to feel obligated.  Text them after you give birth! lol

post #14 of 17

I'll be 17w this week and we haven't told either of our families.  We've just made limited contact with my parents after almost 3 years of no contact, during which I had a baby they didn't know about.  My dh is unhappy with his family and their lack of interest and general selfishness.  We're not planning on telling either side until baby is born.  If you want to keep it to yourself, then do exactly that.  The only time I would think it's better to tell, is if not telling is causing you too much stress.

post #15 of 17

I also agree that you should only tell when it feels right, or if keeping it a secret is stressing you out too much.

 

I feel like I can relate to how a lot of you feel. I haven't told my family, which has been easy to do since we live far away from them. I had a bit of a silent falling out with them recently, and they haven't addressed the issues I raised, or even tried to contact me at all. So I basically decided if they can't be bothered to be in my life, then I can't be bothered to tell them I'm pregnant. I'm sure they will find out about the baby eventually, but unless they work up the courage to talk to me, they will have to learn about this baby through the grapevine.

post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 

we are 21 weeks now..and everyone knows. I emailed my mom so I didn't have to listen to her rant. She's not happy. She was griping about me behind my back :( but oh well..

we are doing great!!!

post #17 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by camerahappymom View Post
 

we are 21 weeks now..and everyone knows. I emailed my mom so I didn't have to listen to her rant. She's not happy. She was griping about me behind my back :( but oh well..

we are doing great!!!

 

Glad you got it out there and relieved yourself of the worry about telling them! Remember, we can't force other people to be happy for us or support our decisions. As long as you and your family is happy, that's all that matters. Congratulations mama!

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