Think I'm holding onto a lot of anger….I had to have a c-section rather than a natural birth as I expected…(need to let go of a lot of expectations, I'm learning!) Really angry that even though I had a c-section (and thank God it all went well and we were all healthy), they still could have followed some of my birth plan wishes, to have him breastfeed with me right away and still do skin to skin, but NO….they ripped him out of me in about 5 minutes, held him up and said "here's your baby" then whisked him off to clean him, cut the cord, etc…..all the things I didn't want them to do to my precious baby when he was born!! I was so out of it and in shock that he was here (2 weeks before his dues date) and that I just had major surgery so I didn't advocate for him or myself. My anger goes all around to the hospital and back to myself, not too healthy I know!
Also so angry and frustrated that the nurses and lactation consultants didn't catch my son's tongue-tie in the hospital!! So focused on flushing out his jaundice with the little breast milk I could pump out (they thought my supply was low, that it was an issue with me, but turned out later he wasn't able to get enough milk out with his tongue tie!!) and they started giving him formula too (which I REALLY did not want but they said was the only choice) so he wouldn't have to stay in the hospital on his own. I couldn't bear the thought of going home without him so we went along with all these undesirable options. And our DS did too, he was a great trooper, always did what was needed and he was just barely able to come home with us!!!!
They found his tongue-tie at a month old when his weight was pretty low. I had put off seeing a lactation nurse so that delayed things so I'm a bit angey at myself for that. And with insurance approvals and such, didn't get to have the procedure to fix his tongue until he was 2 months old!! I will never forget his innocent little eyes looking around at the harsh tools the nurse placed on the table beside him. He laid down without a fuss, had been good at dr. appointments until then. (and hard to forgive) myself and my husband for having to hold him down while the doctor took way longer to cut the tissue under his tongue, several minutes (we thought it would be one quick snip!) . And that cry will haunt me, though it did solve the feeding issues, it was still traumatizing for all of us.
SO…I just recently realized that this could be at the root of why I freak out when my son cries a lot, especially waking several times at night. I have all this anger and it transfers back to all those events. ESPECIALLY when he was first home and cried way too much and hard, most people and doctors said "oh, he's a newborn and they just do that". NO, he was so hungry poor guy, not getting enough milk from his mommy!!! SO now his cries are attached to that in my mind and heart. BReaks my heart!|
Also so angry and frustrated that the nurses and lactation consultants didn't catch my son's tongue-tie in the hospital!! So focused on flushing out his jaundice with the little breast milk I could pump out (they thought my supply was low, that it was an issue with me, but turned out later he wasn't able to get enough milk out with his tongue tie!!) and they started giving him formula too (which I REALLY did not want but they said was the only choice) so he wouldn't have to stay in the hospital on his own. I couldn't bear the thought of going home without him so we went along with all these undesirable options. And our DS did too, he was a great trooper, always did what was needed and he was just barely able to come home with us!!!!
They found his tongue-tie at a month old when his weight was pretty low. I had put off seeing a lactation nurse so that delayed things so I'm a bit angey at myself for that. And with insurance approvals and such, didn't get to have the procedure to fix his tongue until he was 2 months old!! I will never forget his innocent little eyes looking around at the harsh tools the nurse placed on the table beside him. He laid down without a fuss, had been good at dr. appointments until then. (and hard to forgive) myself and my husband for having to hold him down while the doctor took way longer to cut the tissue under his tongue, several minutes (we thought it would be one quick snip!) . And that cry will haunt me, though it did solve the feeding issues, it was still traumatizing for all of us.
SO…I just recently realized that this could be at the root of why I freak out when my son cries a lot, especially waking several times at night. I have all this anger and it transfers back to all those events. ESPECIALLY when he was first home and cried way too much and hard, most people and doctors said "oh, he's a newborn and they just do that". NO, he was so hungry poor guy, not getting enough milk from his mommy!!! SO now his cries are attached to that in my mind and heart. BReaks my heart!|