I had a question about your last point. Do you think that if society hadn't burdened us with brittle notions of gender that making that point would still carry a sting? I ask because when it comes down to it (and I want to point out that I wouldn't make a point of it unless asked) I would probably mention that there is such a thing as basic biological maleness. Society has decided--and I reject it-- that this carries with it other identifying markers.
Before I start: I don't think I made it clear that the issue is with forcing labels, not with acknowledging differences. Some trans people embrace "I have a female body, I'm working to make it male" and find that empowering, while others find that deeply hurtful.
Now, to your question:
Frankly, yes. The biggest problem with "biological maleness/femaleness" is used to oppress transgender people. If a person could say "I'm a woman and I'm male" and be fully respected as a woman- it wouldn't be an issue.
Something like 90% of the time a trans man is told "You're female", the person is not saying "this is a biologic reality that I think you're unaware of, but has no impact on your gender identity and in no way makes you less worthy of respect". Some 90% of the time, the person is saying "So you're really a woman" "So you're a freak" "There's something wrong with you" "You'll never be a REAL man". If it were the other way around, these words wouldn't matter, but it's not.
It's actually incredibly hard to have a damn conversation about gender while being totally trans-sensitive. I had a moderately popular blog about it and wanted to tear my hair out a lot with the verbal backflips I had to make. I hate that this is the case, I wish it weren't, I wish that we lived in a world where male women could be accepted as easily as female women, but we
don't we live in a world where "male women" are brutally attacked and killed at a higher rate than any other group, no wonder those women don't want to be called "male"!
So I'm afraid I might be one of those well-meaning parents, though I don't think I would want to drive home the point of "I accept you but.....". What would I say? That one part of their biology has determined that their bodies will look and function as male, defined as fulfilling the male role in reproduction. But that our sense of "maleness" is based on much more than that, and either way doesn't functionally dictate what other roles we take on and identify with. Again, no need to make a point unless pulled right into it, but my accepting my son as a girl, or my girls as boys (I have 2 girls, no boys) will not change the reproductive roles their DNA has given them. There are ways to fulfill that desire, but not in the body they were born with.
The problem is not acknowledging the difference between bodies. The problem is the words.
It may help to think of "male" and "female" as a little akin to the word "c*nt" (as in, to refer to female genitalia). There are women, and some non-women trans folk, who use this term as a badge of honor, embracing it. They either embrace it as who they are or embrace it as what their genitals are, reclaiming the word, making it powerful in a positive way. But a lot of people
don't because this word is used as an insult, as an attack, to reduce people to their genitals and say that this makes them bad. Not wanting to be called "c*nt" or having any part of your body referred to as a "c*nt" isn't saying that you ignore the physical and biological realities, it's the
word. "Male" and "female" are both used in very much the same way for trans people. As I mentioned, they are used to attack us and justify hurting us. We're reduced to our genitals when they're a body part that many of us would rather forget we had in the first place. I realize that there's a bit of a difference in that "male" and "female" are common, inoffensive words to the rest of the population- but, when applied to trans people, these words have teeth.
Trans people aren't the only ones that you sometimes need to avoid the clinical terms with. People with a history of rape/sexual abuse, people with a highly sheltered upbringing, I think even some religions and cultures can effect how comfortable people are with the clinical terms. I am well aware that, ideally, you can use the proper words because it encourages acceptance and avoids shame- but sometimes, self-loathing and shame are already there. You'll communicate a lot more effectively if you accept that, use the words the person can handle, and let them accept the clinical terms (or not) in their own time.
To summarize in case I've rambled, is this issue of body acceptance more painful because of other pressures? Is there another way parents can approach this when the conversation turns in this direction?
The words issue is 100% other pressures. Okay, maybe not
100%, but way up there. I can't say with full confidence that if we were at a point of high trans-acceptance, where we didn't equate male=man/female=woman, that trans people wouldn't care about their bodies being called by the clinical terms- but I'm pretty dang sure that a LOT wouldn't mind.
For how to talk about it...
http://ourfeministplayschool.ca/2013/08/25/resources-talking-kids-transissues/ That seems to have good advice.
I think the biggest thing is to point out that penis/male=man and vagina/female=girl isn't accurate all the time and to respect who people say they are. You can use female/male, or even girl/boy, as long as your kid is comfortable with it (and if they aren't, find out why) as more of a shorthand. You don't have to make a huge deal about it, I don't think, just introduce the idea casually. It is a little easier if you have a prominent person in your kids' life who is trans, first to have a reason to bring it up and second to have someone they can talk to, but it's not necessary.
I have no idea how much is "enough", and I'm guessing it varies from child to child. Some kids will understand it and remember it from just one conversation, some won't get it until you bring it up every day for a month. I hope that the kids who are trans won't need much, or who will be more likely to ask about it, but it's hard to know.
Again, I want to emphasize that I see no need to broach the subject unless necessary, but then again, bodies are very much the topic at this age, when kids think that playing cheerleader with their friends will turn them into a girl and growing up to be a dog is still entirely possible.
I don't really think that there's any reason
not to, and there could very well be reason
to without you knowing it. I knew parents who walked in on their then-2 year old taking scissors to her penis because she thought cutting it off would make her a girl. I
really want to be able to say "don't worry about it until they're older", but after seeing that... yeah.
Also, the number of kids who are transitioning younger is increasing, so it's possible that your kids will meet someone in school (or, if you're homeschooling, at the homeschool group) that is trans, and if they know what it is
before meeting the kids, it'll be more likely that they'll react well and have an easier time understanding it.
ETA: I think this is yet one more area when parents want to help change behavior now to avoid more painful lessons down the road. I try my best not to be motivated by that, but the drive is there.
Honestly, I think it's a good thing to be motivated by, within reason. Again- I don't think there's need for more than casually bringing it up occasionally.
It sounds like you thought I was saying to cut 'male' and 'female' out of your vocabulary entirely- yeah, that'd be extreme. I imagine some trans folk who are particularly dysphoric do need that, but most people don't.