When I other homeschooling parents say "We would unschool, but my children do better with structure" I confess that my first reaction is to think quietly to myself "and by 'better,' you mean they do more of the stuff that fits your narrow definition of education."
But my second, more charitable reaction is to think quietly to myself "If my children did better with structure how would I know?" I mean, our family life and my temperament, they're just not conducive to consistency of structure. Dh's sleep/wake/home/meal hours depend on whether it's an A-week or a B-week, and when he's on call (one in two) anything goes, he could be gone all day or all night, or in and out, or noodling around on his guitar all day while the phone doesn't ring. And I'm sort of conflict-phobic, so if I suggest something and it goes over well for 24 hours and then someone decides it's not a good idea, I will almost always find a work-around, or reframe my expectations, or decide not to sweat the small stuff, and define almost everything as small stuff. And then, well, my older three kids were always sooooo stubborn. If there was a bit of resistance to something, we couldn't simply get past that resistance with consistent low-key expectations. Consistent low-key expectations could easily result in years of irrational refusal to do anything that even had a whiff of that expectation about it. (Like when my mom tried to gently remind eldest dd to call her "grandma" when trying to get her attention, and the result was that for five long years she would not use the word 'grandma' to my mom's face, and would only call her "hey!" or "hey you!"... it was just crazy how that backfired!)
So anyway ... it turns out that my older kids actually do pretty well with structure provided that structure is willingly undertaken and comes from a source that is emotionally detached. Once they entered high school, they just fell into the business of schedules and deadlines beautifully. They do all procrastinate a bit, especially the older two, but when they buckle down their efficiency is good they get things done on time without any drama. They don't necessarily love structure in and of itself: they're not people who enjoy mapping out their lives in agendas and timetables. But they do appreciate the way in which clear expectations create conditions that are conducive to productivity.
So why, oh why, did we struggle so much find the right amount of structure at home? Why was it so important that they get the structure elsewhere in order to happily abide by it? Why were the little bits of structure we tried over and over again at their request so impossible to stick to, so vehemently resisted? For years I had this idea that my kids would eventually learn to create their own structure to whatever extent was optimal for them if I just gave them autonomy and support. It didn't really happen like I thought.
Fiona is my last unschooler at home. Today she wrote a final exam in math at the local school. She enjoyed the whole course, but especially the business of reviewing and studying for the exam. She's also just resumed violin lessons, by her own choice and actually somewhat contrary to my expectations, and she's enjoying the structure now that she feels it's coming solely from her teacher and not as a result of family and parental expectations. Her enjoyment of this external structure got me thinking about all of this again. She's more resilient and less stubborn than her older siblings, but regardless I hope I can do a better job of helping her find appropriate amounts of structure -- without necessarily having to enrol in school.
At this point she's planning to continue as an unschooler, provided she can get small doses of outside structure in areas academic, athletic and artistic (my 3As, rather than the 3Rs). And we're lucky that the school has been willing to let her access tiny bits of their structure whilst remaining designated as a homeschooler.
Anyone want to navel-gaze along with me? Offer advice or reflections? Critiques?
Miranda
But my second, more charitable reaction is to think quietly to myself "If my children did better with structure how would I know?" I mean, our family life and my temperament, they're just not conducive to consistency of structure. Dh's sleep/wake/home/meal hours depend on whether it's an A-week or a B-week, and when he's on call (one in two) anything goes, he could be gone all day or all night, or in and out, or noodling around on his guitar all day while the phone doesn't ring. And I'm sort of conflict-phobic, so if I suggest something and it goes over well for 24 hours and then someone decides it's not a good idea, I will almost always find a work-around, or reframe my expectations, or decide not to sweat the small stuff, and define almost everything as small stuff. And then, well, my older three kids were always sooooo stubborn. If there was a bit of resistance to something, we couldn't simply get past that resistance with consistent low-key expectations. Consistent low-key expectations could easily result in years of irrational refusal to do anything that even had a whiff of that expectation about it. (Like when my mom tried to gently remind eldest dd to call her "grandma" when trying to get her attention, and the result was that for five long years she would not use the word 'grandma' to my mom's face, and would only call her "hey!" or "hey you!"... it was just crazy how that backfired!)
So anyway ... it turns out that my older kids actually do pretty well with structure provided that structure is willingly undertaken and comes from a source that is emotionally detached. Once they entered high school, they just fell into the business of schedules and deadlines beautifully. They do all procrastinate a bit, especially the older two, but when they buckle down their efficiency is good they get things done on time without any drama. They don't necessarily love structure in and of itself: they're not people who enjoy mapping out their lives in agendas and timetables. But they do appreciate the way in which clear expectations create conditions that are conducive to productivity.
So why, oh why, did we struggle so much find the right amount of structure at home? Why was it so important that they get the structure elsewhere in order to happily abide by it? Why were the little bits of structure we tried over and over again at their request so impossible to stick to, so vehemently resisted? For years I had this idea that my kids would eventually learn to create their own structure to whatever extent was optimal for them if I just gave them autonomy and support. It didn't really happen like I thought.
Fiona is my last unschooler at home. Today she wrote a final exam in math at the local school. She enjoyed the whole course, but especially the business of reviewing and studying for the exam. She's also just resumed violin lessons, by her own choice and actually somewhat contrary to my expectations, and she's enjoying the structure now that she feels it's coming solely from her teacher and not as a result of family and parental expectations. Her enjoyment of this external structure got me thinking about all of this again. She's more resilient and less stubborn than her older siblings, but regardless I hope I can do a better job of helping her find appropriate amounts of structure -- without necessarily having to enrol in school.
At this point she's planning to continue as an unschooler, provided she can get small doses of outside structure in areas academic, athletic and artistic (my 3As, rather than the 3Rs). And we're lucky that the school has been willing to let her access tiny bits of their structure whilst remaining designated as a homeschooler.
Anyone want to navel-gaze along with me? Offer advice or reflections? Critiques?
Miranda