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TODDLER BEHAVIOR, what is normal and how best to respond???

1K views 7 replies 8 participants last post by  ajcard 
#1 ·
So, I've been a bit o ut of the loop getting in touch with other moms and kids my son's age since we moved. He's now 13 months. He's been out playing with other kids for months here but I'm not just joining a playgroup for us both.

Wondering is this behavior normal for his age?? :

Lately, kids have been taking toys away from my DS. Usually the're just shared toys at the library, etc.

Recently my DS started playing with a slightly older boy's easter eggs, there were plenty and the mom gave us the green light to play with some. The boy disagreed…he got quite flustered and grabbed the eggs from my guy. Well, lots of tears, and suddenly my DS had a mad look on his face and he reached out and hit the boy on the arm! I can totally understand his frustration poor little guy. Is this normal behavior for his age?

Any guidance as to how to go about gently guiding this sort of thing at his age? Wondering about disciplining and setting limits as an AP parent. I need to join a group of moms here that are of that parenting mindframe. And need to read a bit more on this topic with AP….haven't really been following any literature per se all this time, I have read a bit and knew it was the parenting mode for me and really have just been going along with my intuition which is along the lines of AP.

Any advice, input greatly appreciated!! ;0)
 
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#2 ·
Totally normal :) At that age I would just say in a shocked but not too over-the-top voice "oh no! We mustn't hit!" And pick him up for a cuddle.

Then, because I don't think it's ever too early to start, I would say "you were really cross when X took the eggs. It's ok to be cross." If he didn't want to be cuddled I'd skip the talk and just put him down somewhere away from other kids but near something interesting he could play with.
 
#4 ·
I want to add that thirteen months is on the young side of toddlerhood, and that the first time a baby hits is the right time to respond with the gentlest of firm guidance.
I always take the chance to explain to the other children about why my son hit; " L. is a baby and he is just starting to learn about sharing" or " L. hasn't learned not to hit yet like you have."
I phrase it differently depending on the age of the children involved. They are usually more receptive and learn more about the experience if we talk about it. They get the chance to empathize too.
Depending on the dynamic, I either redirect my son, or get involved in the play with them, to encourage more sharing/ fun play to unite them.
For example, I might ask to see an egg myself, and spin the eggs on the table for them both to watch.
 
#5 ·
I don't have kids of my own yet but I'm an RN (lots of child development coursework) and did nanny work for over a decade, mostly w babies and toddlers. That behavior is totally normal. I always respond with a kind/sympathetic tone "no hitting, please." And perhaps mime gentle touching saying 'gentle'. Sometimes they'll hit again and you have to repeat. I find if they seem fixated on it, its best to repeat 'no, hitting, please' once more and then enthusiastically re-direct. That usually works brilliantly. If they continue hitting or are just jealous of another child w another toy etc, you may eventually have remove your little one from the location. But I always do so calmly and lovingly. This again, works better with enthusiastic redirection. (Let's go get your firetruck! Let's race! Where did the kitty go? How about we color?!). If its about a specific toy at the library for example, I might pick up another toy and demonstrate enthusiastically playing with it - this often shifts their attention to the new toy (this is of course, after gently saying 'no hitting, please.')

When they get closer to two you can easily get into a 'no.' 'yes!' battle w them because they will go on forever. Ive seen parents carting away kids screaming 'yees!!' to something they wanted and them going back and forth 'yes!' 'no!'. Sometimes tantrums can't be avoided if they're particularly tired, hungry, upset by something - this is normal too. But its important to not argue over it. Reiterate your reasoning once or twice calmly and kindly and do your best to re-direct and/or re-locate. And try to be patient. It can be hard, but I discovered even speaking calmly isn't as effective as if you actually feel calm. Once I had a two year boy go into a tantrum fit over something silly - underlying problem was that he was groggy and didn't get a long enough nap. Everything I was saying to him, he was shouting 'NO!' back at me. Want a snack? No! Want to read your car book? No! Let's play w your puzzle. No! Want me to sit w you? No! I tried not asking him anything but he kept shouting 'no!' I felt myself getting really frustrated..and I realized, I wasn't really feeling calm. I was asking him questions calmly but I was annoyed. Frustrated. Burnt out. I stepped aside and did some deep breathing. I reminded myself how upset he must be since this wasn't typical behavior. I managed to totally let it go and walked out again. "Lets read your car book.' This time, 'ok'. I was amazed. He responded immediately to my actually calm state. I'm not saying this is easy (at all), but it was a powerful observation for me.

Over the years, I found that pretty much all 'bad' behavior that kids do (even up through adolescence), is often just developmentally normal evidence of their maturity limitations and not something to be punished. This is not to say that older children (7+) can't have logical consequences (different than a punishment) but I think having conversations with them about the behavior is more powerful than trying to impose discipline. Responding lovingly and positively (and assuming this is their best attempt at communication/handling their feelings) goes a long a way. I honestly don't think 'discipline' as most people know it is ever effective or helpful. Time outs only ever seem to shame kids and don't really teach them. Plus, in the toddler years they're basically babies, their ability to understand consequences or cause and effect is incredibly limited. They're extremely in the moment and often can only understand their frustration that they cannot articulate/communicate and (if the caregiver responds harshly) feel the anger directed at them. Plus, as I said - it always seems to come down to their limitations in being able to express frustration or exhaustion or hunger, combined with not fully understanding why to do or not do something.

Of course, Its always important to address behavior that it is not good or could be dangerous, but I think its essential to try to never do it angrily. I also think it's essential to give an age-appropriate explanation - "no, hitting please. That hurts the little boy." And to remember that, whatever you're witnessing very well may be the best that they can manage in that moment.

Also, this is a fabulous article: http://www.drmomma.org/2010/02/gentle-discipline-staying-course.html

And I love this website: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/discipline

I've used this 'time-in' method and think its a fabulous way to handle kids that really lose control in the moment: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

I hope this helps!
 
#6 ·
I just wanted to add that it is also really good to tell them what to do to solve their problem. Saying no hitting is fine, but they still got their egg stolen. They need to know how to resolve that.stay right with my toddlers at all times, constantly doing the talking for them, and making the correct outcome occur.

So, I would address both kids in that scenerio. First, I would apologize forbmy son hitting. Then I would say he meant to say x, then ask the boy nicely if ds could have the egg back. If he said no, then i would actually have apologized to him for taking his things without asking HIM. At that point, I would explain to ds that the eggs belonged to the boy, and were special to him. Let's not make him sad. We can do x instead.

Two points, ideally, the snatching or the hitting wouldnt have happened because I would have been watching both boys closely. When I saw the first boy's expression change, I would have intervened on his behalf, apologizing.for using his things without asking him, and then asking if he would mind if we played, too.

Secondly, be sure to apply the same respectful attitudes towards your ds as you do to other children, allowing him to chose to shsre or not, and preventing aggression towards him.
 
#7 ·
I agree with FisherFamily as well that both kids should be addressed for their behaviors. I have a 2 year old son who has a cousin 9 months older than him. Since we live in the same town and grandma watches them both at least three times a week, I have witnessed over time this sort of interaction. My son would very often get his toy taken from him by his cousin and even when he was good at redirecting himself, his cousin would just want the next thing that he was playing with. For a while, I watched his mother and grandmother (husband's mom) either ignore it or instigate it at times saying "Oh look at what he's playing with now". I would grind my teeth knowing what I wanted to say but holding back because it was a very sticky situation. But. . . I wanted to model what was fair so one day when I witnessed it happening, I quickly intervened and told the cousin, "If you want what he has, ask with a trade" and I would help him find another toy to trade with him. He would do it and my son would usually be very receptive. Now the cousin does it on his own and for the most part they share together. It's also encouraging them to problem solve without a parent present at all times.

In general, I think it's hard to watch other children take stuff away from your child when you know from watching that your child "had it first". And at the same time, it's a life skill to learn about sharing and understanding that at times you lose things because of other people/peers. For me, I am always trying to keep my emotions in check and making sure they aren't driving any impulsive responses which can be hard when you are the advocate for someone you love. It's hard but then at the same time all kids are learning so it's not abnormal for either child to have done what they did in your situation so why not respond to both.
 
#8 ·
I haven't read the other comments so please excuse me if this is repetition.
This sounds totally and 100% normal behavior for your little one. We didn't start actual discipline / using our words with DS until he was 2. Our discipline, however, was just talking to him in our serious voice when he did act out and an occasional time out if needed.
I think at 2 is when they start to begin to slowly understand between right and wrong. In your case, the parent of the other child had a good opportunity to teach their kid to not do that, maybe. In your case, your baby is so tiny that maybe just holding him until he got over it would have worked and gently say "we don't hit other people". A 13 month old is just a tiny one but maybe if he keeps hearing that he will learn earlier that hitting is a no-no. Although at this point, they don't know how to communicate how they're feeling so they hit and cry, so totally normal.
 
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